40oz
diRTbAg
Posts: 5,535
|
Post by 40oz on Nov 22, 2020 16:37:36 GMT -5
life fuckin sucks some times right, space marines? If you got some shit you're working through, it's not good to keep that shit all to yourself. You can vent about it here. Maybe your job is brutal, maybe your family/friends are being shitty, whatever it may be. Maybe you'll get some of the support you need to think about how you deal with it. Doomers have to look after one another.
RULES:
1.) Bump this thread any time you want. You can bump any thread on doomer boards, honestly, but especially this one.
2.) No need to compare your struggle to others. Your circumstances, however fortunate they may be don't make your problems any less real.
3.) Give other space marines advice ONLY if requested. There's no shortage of self-help info on the internet, so trust the marines in this thread to have already sought advice elsewhere.
4.) Offer a little support! Sympathy and encouraging words are nice. If you don't have the words atm, at least post an @mention of the user's name to confirm that you read it and you're thinking of them.
5.) Moderator rules are a little more strict here. Be good to each other. I'll be keeping an eye on this thread.
|
|
40oz
diRTbAg
Posts: 5,535
|
Post by 40oz on Nov 22, 2020 18:30:59 GMT -5
Honestly i probably should have made this thread months ago, but I wasn't really in a state where I was ok to hear people's commentary on my situation if it wasn't supportive. But I made this thread now so here's my shit.
The coronavirus pandemic has been especially brutal on me. I didn't even get sick, I didn't lose my job, but it created a wealth of other problems I could not have possibly foreseen.
My wife Julie is an assistant at a local high-end beauty salon. She's training to become a stylist and right before she was on her way to officially get her own chair and start booking clients, the coronavirus pandemic happened and the government started ordering shutdowns. The business was closed for months and my wife unemployed.
Because the way our unemployment benefits system works, you get payment based on your average income during the previous year. In the previous year, I prodded my wife to make a career change because she was so miserable with her job. I told her to quit her job and that I would support her so that she could go to beauty school. She didn't have much of any income last year because she was attending school instead, so the government told her to get fucked -- "you made no money for an entire year before, you can do it again!"
In March, my childhood best friend and recovering drug addict had been living in a state-mandated and severely underfunded recovery home and was evicted following a fight that broke out between he and the other members over a misplaced lighter. He had nowhere else to go, went back to drugs, and was sleeping on the streets during the height of the covid19 pandemic. When I found out about it, I didn't know what to do. People were actually dying and the government was shutting things down. I really believed if he couldn't find a place to go, this virus could kill him. I talked to Julie about it and we decided to let him live with us until he can get back on his feet.
I know what you're thinking. Why would a drug addict ever possibly get back on his feet? Well I may be one of the few people in his life who hasn't lost faith in him. I didn't stay very close to him when he was at his worst, but I've been in the background through most of his struggles and always trusted in him, and he's never wronged me before. Our friendship goes way back and I know the drugs make him into a different person, but he's himself when he's off of them. He's burned a lot of bridges in his life as a result. If you sit down with him and patiently let him talk, which I have, you can learn a lot about what the criminal justice system has put him through. Things that most people never have to experience in their life. The way we trust our police and government to keep us safe from criminals is a total sham. My friend is a good person. He's just been through a lot and doesn't know how else to cope with it.
Over the course of the last 8 months or so, it has had its ups and downs. My friend is a really fun and affable guy. He's great company, and helpful around the house. The downs however, created some serious conflicts between my wife and I. My wife and I were having trouble cooperating on how to deal with financial issues as a result of this. We had three people living under this roof and I was the only one making money to support us. We were practically living paycheck to paycheck. My wife and friend were going through their own crises of feeling worthless because their existence would cost money and they weren't able to make any at this time.
My friend did unfortunately relapse a couple times, which created trust issues between the three of us. My wife was beginning to believe that I was becoming inconsiderate about her safety. As if I only cared about what she says so long as shes bringing in money. We would fight often, and it was especially troubling for me because I work from home. My work requires a lot of attention. I didn't know what else to do when the fights would escalate. I needed peace in order to stay proficient at my job. The stakes were high because the pandemic might provoke them to downsize, and I didn't want to be first in line to be laid off. When the fighting wouldn't end, I eventually told her she needed to leave, which seemed to reinforce her suspicion that I didn't care about her. She packed up her things to go live with her mom and she didnt want to talk to me again.
I was left with just my friend. There was an air of discomfort between us. I was crushed. He was beginning to believe it was his fault that things were getting bad between Julie and I. And I was just not in a position to console him considering that I may have just lost my wife of a 10 year relationship.
I had to have a serious talk with him about an exit plan. I needed him to figure out where he's going next so that I could get my life back in order. I told him I need him to start looking for work, even if it's shitty low paying work. I'll pick up a second job to work over the weekends, and between the two of us, once we save up $2,000, or we hit October 10th, (whichever comes first) then you gotta take the money and find a new place to live. So we did. He found work at this concrete mould construction company, and then again at a party equipment rental company. And I found work in the King of Prussia mall food court at a gentrified mexican restaurant franchise. It was horrible grueling work with shamefully low pay but we pulled it off. We eventually hit the $2,000 mark. There were some challenges finding a place to live because of his criminal record and the circumstances of the pandemic, but he did spend the last several months reconnecting with his mom and she's now allowing him to move back in.
There was a short quiet period where I've been living alone. Recently I've been reconnecting with my wife and there's still some emotional turmoil we have to iron out but things are starting to show some promise of getting better between us. We just have to give ourselves some time to heal from it all.
|
|
dn
Body Count: 02
the motherfucking darknation
Posts: 1,727
|
Post by dn on Nov 22, 2020 21:08:02 GMT -5
Truly, you are a fucking bro. You practice what you preach and I am proud to call you my friend. Get your arse to Scotland next year to get away from all the shit, we shall drink to your health and deathmatch to the death.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 22, 2020 21:25:55 GMT -5
40oz, you've been through a lot of shit! Wish I could find some good words to express sympathy, but dn did it best.
|
|
|
Post by dr_st on Nov 23, 2020 3:36:58 GMT -5
40oz, Looks like all three of you have been through a tough ordeal, that can potentially break people and relationships for good, but it seems you are on the path towards recovery. If you keep it up, things will be fine. I wish you strength, health and good luck.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 23, 2020 4:24:49 GMT -5
I have a lot of respect for you for making a thread like this, 40. Especially for including the rule about not giving advice unless it is asked for. That is a big reason why I hate talking about my issues to people.
I still need to re-read your post and think about it in order to be able to formulate a good response, but know that you and your loved ones have my sympathy, and I wish you all the luck in the world.
With that being said, I'll participate:
TheMagicMushroomMan's Life Story
I've thought about suicide every day since I was about 10 years old. I am 25 now. One day, on the last day of fifth grade, I brought home a report card where I got a 'C' in math. I was normally a straight A student. My grandparents are wonderful people, they raised me and I love them more than anything else in the world. But on that day, I was a complete failure to them. I didn't go anywhere or have any friends outside of school, so they took away all forms of entertainment from me for six months.
Not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but on that day, something in my head snapped. I have never felt the same sense. A bomb had been ticking for a long time, and that random event made it blow up. I sat there every day feeling like I didn't exist. I began developing strange habits like pacing back and forth for hours, counting my steps, having random thoughts repeated in my head that had no meaning.
Eventually I realized that something was wrong with me, I entered middle school and no longer cared about my grades, making me look even worse in front of my family. I was too busy thinking about suicide to care about anything related to my education. I would go in the bathroom at school and bang my head against the wall until I had a massive knot, then I would tell my teacher I fell. They would send me to whatever nurse was working that day, and I'd go home. I kept doing different things to injure myself, and kept making up stories.
My teachers and family believed me, because they didn't have any idea I was purposely injuring myself. I have always been soft-spoken and polite, though not necessarily shy. Just distant. Nobody had any idea that something was wrong with me. For some reason, I had a fetish for turning in kids who brought weed to school. I thought the staff would respect me more. The school police offer told me I would get a $1000 dollar reward for turning people in. After I turned in about six or seven people, I was awarded a plastic token with a picture of a badge on it. The cops informed all of the kids who got in trouble that I was the one who turned them in. I left middle school as a total failure.
In high school, somehow I was suddenly popular, I had a beautiful girlfriend and most people seemed to like me. I was in dual enrolement at an aerospace academy, and was in ROTC. I was supposed to join the air force. I went to the academy for three years and dropped out because I still found little joy in life, and having a good career and money didn't mean much to me. I ended up going to a cheap college for a couple years to get into creative writing, ran out of money, lost interest, and left.
I became so depressed that I hurt myself in any way I could, banging my head on doors, punching walls, punching myself in the head, burning myself with lighters. So I went to a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with OCD and depression. I tried several drugs and therapies that did absolutely nothing. I've always tried to be as kind as I can to people, that's a trait that I will never leave behind. But although almost everyone likes me, they like me in the sense that they realize I'm a good person. I am too distant to actually connect to anyone around here. And considering the way most people around here act, that might be a good thing.
I didn't try to talk about OCD too much, because people think OCD=Howie Mandel. You have tumblr folks claiming that they all have OCD because apparently it makes you an artistic genious. It's try that my OCD and depression has made me more artisticly inclined, but what people fail to realize is that the artistic inclanation is a result of anger, fear, anxiety, aggrivation, frustration, sadness, and intrusive thoughts. Right now, as I am writing this, I am out walking the streets at 4:00AM. I do this every night. It is my ritual. I often count my steps until I go insane. I have random, hurtful thoughts that constantly enter my mind. I use this time to listen to music on my headphones, it provides relief.
After high school, my girlfriend became addicted to meth and cocaine, and I started getting into different drugs. I knew what moderation was, my girlfriend didn't. She smoked meth and crack and popped adderall and drank and smoked cigarettes and weed and snorted pills and coke and constsntly fought with everyone. I left her, and I don't think either one of us cared. She now weighs about 80 pounds and continues her self-destructive behavior. I haven't cared about being in a relationship since. I can't find anyone who doesn't have major issues.
After that, my family lost our house. We've been living in a hotel room for the past six years. I work online and at the hotel. The people who work here are unbearable narcisists, rude drunks, drug addicts, and in general, people who have hit rock bottom. To add salt to the wound, my family owned this hotel 20 years ago. Now we pay $1500 dollars a month to stay in a room. A couple years ago we had to have our dog put down. Our car was broke down, so I had to put my crying, suffering dog in a taxi to have her taken to an emergency vet.
The housekeeper I work with is the most miserable person I have ever met. She complains about everything, she sees no good in anyone. Her husband is psychotic, her daughter is a 40 year old emo "painter" who has a daughter she couldn't care less about. The daughter is 21 and is so immature that I thought she was about 13. All she talks about is K-Pop, she thinks she is going to marry someone in BTS (the K-Pop group, not Back to Saturn). She dropped out of school when she was 12, and her family claims this is legal. I have to deal with them on a daily basis, it's pathetic.
I take care of my grandmother, she has COPD. Recently, she had a flare-up and had to go to the hospital. She is a lot better now, thank God. When she was in the hospital, I had a mental breakdown and made a post on DW stating that I was considering suicide. It got removed, which I can understand, I guess. But I just wanted someone to talk to. I was told that the post might encourage other people to commit suicide. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
I like talking to people about Doom because it's a good way to connect. That's why I was upset when my account got suspended. Suddenly I couldn't talk to people anymore, couldn't vent. I know it's just a forum for a video game, but it felt like I had been violated. I came here because I wanted to find more people to talk to. I didn't understand the etiquette and atmosphere of this forum at the time, so it kind of hurt when people here called me a pussy and an asshole and said that I was oversensitive. Maybe I am, but I have my reasons for that. But now I understand the forum better, so it won't bother me.
And that's about it. I appreciate the fact that I've been given a chance to talk about this. It feels good being able to sum everything up, I don't think I've done that before. I sympathize with everyone who is struggling. Nobody deserves for their own mind to abuse them. I hope that as we evolve, our DNA will fix the mistakes in our mind that we have little control over.
Thank you for allowing me to say all of this, 40oz. You are a good person.
|
|
|
Post by bulletspam on Nov 23, 2020 9:18:23 GMT -5
Reminder to hug your mom, if she's still around. And if she ain't, give another mom a high-five. Mine ain't. And it just makes me want to high-five all the moms in my life who have been a mom to me - and the people I care about. also hang in there 40oz and @themagicmushroomman, good things are coming to you for sure
|
|
40oz
diRTbAg
Posts: 5,535
|
Post by 40oz on Nov 23, 2020 10:09:09 GMT -5
Thanks dn dr_st and @vigilantdoomer that means a lot @themagicmushroomman That's a hell of a story dude. There were many "holy shit moments" one sentence after the other. I know a few people with OCD and they say its a curse. You've got a lot of strength to have endured all of that and still be kind to people! You're a good guy and I'm happy to know you were able to get all of this off your chest. bulletspam I'm sorry man, I bet your mom loved you dearly. It's a good reminder to treat every interaction you have with people (and especially your moms) like it will be your last. We don't always have a lot of time left on this world. I'll give my mom a high five for ya dude
|
|
|
Post by octopusbrains on Dec 8, 2020 13:11:24 GMT -5
im trying to cut out alcohol out of my life. don't infantalize me, im just fuckin bored and i already feel like im dead inside. 8 days in. this is the first time im taking it seriously and it makes me want to kill random people for fun (not really though)
|
|
40oz
diRTbAg
Posts: 5,535
|
Post by 40oz on Dec 9, 2020 9:19:46 GMT -5
octopusbrains that's especially tough this time of the year. It's good to cut out substances when they're not doing you any good. You can do it though, bro. Play some doom instead!
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 10, 2020 13:08:28 GMT -5
Remove net negatives in life and develop net positives in life.
|
|
|
Post by lunchlunch on Jan 1, 2021 16:52:41 GMT -5
Relapsed on Christmas eve because the girlfriend told me she has romantic feelings for her friend. We're broken up. We just moved in together two weeks ago, not sure how to get out of this lease. Had to run away from the cops last night. Still drunk.
|
|
dn
Body Count: 02
the motherfucking darknation
Posts: 1,727
|
Post by dn on Jan 1, 2021 18:14:16 GMT -5
Relapsed on Christmas eve because the girlfriend told me she has romantic feelings for her friend. We're broken up. We just moved in together two weeks ago, not sure how to get out of this lease. Had to run away from the cops last night. Still drunk. Impressive. Life goes from win to shit in less than three weeks. Guinness is the way forward. Drink as much as humanly possible *but* with zero percent chance of hiccups. Nitrogen mix v.s CO2. Has gotten me through all sorts of shit.
|
|
BIG DICK NIGGA
this post is a lie about my bodily proportions
Major Arlene obsessed, 100% verified freakazoid. AKA bzzrak
Posts: 2,295
|
Post by BIG DICK NIGGA on Jan 1, 2021 19:58:06 GMT -5
Relapsed on Christmas eve because the girlfriend told me she has romantic feelings for her friend. We're broken up. We just moved in together two weeks ago, not sure how to get out of this lease. Had to run away from the cops last night. Still drunk. Well that's a roller-coaster. Relapsed on what? Sorry to hear about the gf, if she could do something like that to you, she wasn't the one, and it's for the better that you found out now instead of a few kids or a house in. As for the lease, can't you kick her out instead of getting out yourself? Hang in there man, that's a shitty situation that you've found yourself in, but I think you should be able to get out of it without any lasting consequences
|
|
|
Post by joe-ilya on Jan 1, 2021 20:41:19 GMT -5
I'd drink to that too.
|
|
40oz
diRTbAg
Posts: 5,535
|
Post by 40oz on Jan 2, 2021 8:47:31 GMT -5
|
|
|
Post by lunchlunch on Jan 2, 2021 11:42:13 GMT -5
Relapsed on Christmas eve because the girlfriend told me she has romantic feelings for her friend. We're broken up. We just moved in together two weeks ago, not sure how to get out of this lease. Had to run away from the cops last night. Still drunk. Well that's a roller-coaster. Relapsed on what? Sorry to hear about the gf, if she could do something like that to you, she wasn't the one, and it's for the better that you found out now instead of a few kids or a house in. As for the lease, can't you kick her out instead of getting out yourself? Hang in there man, that's a shitty situation that you've found yourself in, but I think you should be able to get out of it without any lasting consequences Relapsed on alcohol. I can't afford the place on my own unfortunately. Idk, I'm getting sober at my parents right now then I'll figure out the rest.
|
|
|
Post by octopusbrains on Jan 8, 2021 11:15:54 GMT -5
Well that's a roller-coaster. Relapsed on what? Sorry to hear about the gf, if she could do something like that to you, she wasn't the one, and it's for the better that you found out now instead of a few kids or a house in. As for the lease, can't you kick her out instead of getting out yourself? Hang in there man, that's a shitty situation that you've found yourself in, but I think you should be able to get out of it without any lasting consequences Relapsed on alcohol. I can't afford the place on my own unfortunately. Idk, I'm getting sober at my parents right now then I'll figure out the rest. fuckin hell man, I've been there. if there's one thing I can tell you, don't feel guilty about it. it'll just make you feel weak and vulnerable. You can work on fixing it now, but if you dwell on your life choices, that's a very long and bumpy road. LOUD music and journaling works for me, and staying in touch with family is good if they're good to you
|
|
40oz
diRTbAg
Posts: 5,535
|
Post by 40oz on Mar 16, 2021 6:27:49 GMT -5
There was a short quiet period where I've been living alone. Recently I've been reconnecting with my wife and there's still some emotional turmoil we have to iron out but things are starting to show some promise of getting better between us. We just have to give ourselves some time to heal from it all. soo...... this turned out to be some wishful thinking. uh. it's not working out. she packed up her shit and got an apartment abt a month and a half ago. She's pretty emotionally unavailable after all of this. it doesn't look like happily ever after from here.
|
|
|
Post by lunchlunch on Mar 16, 2021 8:23:09 GMT -5
There was a short quiet period where I've been living alone. Recently I've been reconnecting with my wife and there's still some emotional turmoil we have to iron out but things are starting to show some promise of getting better between us. We just have to give ourselves some time to heal from it all. soo...... this turned out to be some wishful thinking. uh. it's not working out. she packed up her shit and got an apartment abt a month and a half ago. She's pretty emotionally unavailable after all of this. it doesn't look like happily ever after from here. That sucks, man. I haven't been married myself so I can express sympathy but really not the empathy that's required here. But I wanted to participate, even if only to offer a simple "that sucks." IRL I know of several couples that have been pushed to divorce/breakup relating to stressors involved with this pandemic so I mean at least in that sense you're not alone.
|
|
BIG DICK NIGGA
this post is a lie about my bodily proportions
Major Arlene obsessed, 100% verified freakazoid. AKA bzzrak
Posts: 2,295
|
Post by BIG DICK NIGGA on Mar 16, 2021 10:13:30 GMT -5
damn man That's half of my entire life. Holy shit dude I can't even begin to imagine how it feels. Hang in there, take your time to recover but don't stew in it for too long.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Mar 16, 2021 11:02:48 GMT -5
There was a short quiet period where I've been living alone. Recently I've been reconnecting with my wife and there's still some emotional turmoil we have to iron out but things are starting to show some promise of getting better between us. We just have to give ourselves some time to heal from it all. soo...... this turned out to be some wishful thinking. uh. it's not working out. she packed up her shit and got an apartment abt a month and a half ago. She's pretty emotionally unavailable after all of this. it doesn't look like happily ever after from here. It is very sad to hear this. The pain you feel must be inexpressible, losing the closest person to yourself you've been with for ten years. Neither of you deserved it to happen, especially considering the sacrifices you both had to make to save your friend. That you keep going and even can take urgently charge of a DBP (when no leader was scheduled and no texture pack or map prepared in advanced) after all this, is astonishing. You deserve much respect. In case you regret helping your friend - at such a high cost - please don't blame yourself. What happened to you in life was like getting hit by a speeding train gone off the rails - an insurmountable bad fortune that you absolutely didn't deserve.
|
|
Lobo
Doomer
Posts: 556
|
Post by Lobo on Mar 16, 2021 12:15:22 GMT -5
She broke up with you?
You mean she released you into a sea of man-hungry females. 😉
|
|
40oz
diRTbAg
Posts: 5,535
|
Post by 40oz on Mar 17, 2021 10:56:58 GMT -5
lunchlunch BIG DICK NIGGA @vigilantdoomer Lobo Thanks guys. Im feeling much better than I did a few months ago. I kept this to myself for a while, but its time to let her go.
|
|
Lobo
Doomer
Posts: 556
|
Post by Lobo on Mar 17, 2021 11:45:54 GMT -5
Her loss. Go get yourself a younger, tighter, better one.
And for the love of god don't even think about getting back with her. It's done. Better to spend your energy on a new relationship instead of trying to fix a broken one: all the old reasons for the split will always be there, like the elephant in the room, otherwise. And they will be raised again and again everytime stuff gets iffy.
|
|