Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 17, 2021 12:00:12 GMT -5
Lobo, while you appear well-intentioned, I don't think it is good to depreciate love so much as immediately renounce any feelings as if they were nothing or not worth remembering. You seem right about the relationship being forever destroyed, but from the perspective of "emotional support", you appear to be pushing some part of the soul into neglect. This is not an advice thread, mind it, and however better 40oz might feel, I wouldn't feel right if people were telling me "go get yourself a younger, tighter, better" while I'm still experiencing blues. It would make me feel isolated. 40oz might not be that way, but one never knows. Also, lunchlunch's perspective of "you're not alone, other people have their problems too" doesn't work for everyone either - I'm not criticising, but informing that some people may also feel devalued when they hear that.
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joe-ilya
Don't quit now! We're still spending your money!
Resurrected
Posts: 2,889
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Post by joe-ilya on Mar 17, 2021 12:27:35 GMT -5
Good to hear you finally feeling well, surprised you managed to open up a brand new DBP and still be productive map-wise, did mapping help you cope?
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Lobo
Doomer
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Post by Lobo on Mar 17, 2021 12:29:05 GMT -5
You cannot spend your time trying to analyse and guess the myriad ways someone might be feeling/react to anything you say. Otherwise the only thing to do is do/say nothing.
Wallowing in the blues has absolutely no positive outcome. Moving on does.
I guess there are 2 kinds of emotional support: mutual commiseration or looking on the good side.
We have different opinions(which is completely normal of course) but I'm the kind of person who feels better being shown the new options being opened up: being told to keep "remembering the feelings" would just make me depressed.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 17, 2021 12:40:23 GMT -5
Lobo, to express my perspective better: it felt as though you are giving advice to become a playboy to someone who prefers a stable relationship (especially when you once posted about the sea of man-hungry females). Hence the kind of disconnect - it is not that my suggestion is that 40oz should wallow in blues, but that I consider an important part of emotional support being respectful to his choice of the type of relationship that best fits him. Also, you don't need to guess a myriad ways, since usually experience that, for example, when a woman tells you she is concerned about her ill relative, it is wrong to criticise the doctors for not doing enough, and it is right to express compassion. You don't need to guess the way everybody else will react - you are conversing or giving support to a specific person, someone you can form some kind a picture of due to knowing them or what they say for some time already.
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xeepeep
Banned
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Post by xeepeep on Mar 17, 2021 13:19:01 GMT -5
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Lobo
Doomer
Posts: 586
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Post by Lobo on Mar 17, 2021 14:49:36 GMT -5
I don't know 40oz from Jack. If you know him well enough to say that he prefers a stable relationship then fair enough.
I did not say to go out and shag anything that moves. I simply pointed out that there are plenty more fish in the sea.
And finally, again you are telling me that your form of communication/emotional support is the correct one: I don't agree.
But I still love you anyway vigilantdoomer! 😘
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40oz
diRTbAg
Posts: 5,937
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Post by 40oz on Mar 22, 2021 10:31:46 GMT -5
Good to hear you finally feeling well, surprised you managed to open up a brand new DBP and still be productive map-wise, did mapping help you cope? no, not really. its tough. :/
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good-old
Doomer
18 year old dumb kid.
Posts: 407
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Post by good-old on Mar 22, 2021 11:01:45 GMT -5
40oz, it's been a long time since you've started this forum, but you never became a person who instantly banned people who disagreed with you, you even tolerated it when someone called you toxic, not imposing any restrictions on them. The main reason people hate you is because you took an extra day to ban SArais, but that isn't too bad. You just gave him a chance. Hopefully the pandemic nearing an end improves your situation, I hope your wife comes back. I feel bad for you.
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40oz
diRTbAg
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Post by 40oz on Mar 22, 2021 12:29:15 GMT -5
Lobo @vigilantdoomer, i like both of you guys, and I know you both mean well and your posts are well-intentioned. Between the 2 kinds of emotional support, it really is both, and so you're both very helpful. I know enough about what I need in a relationship to know pick and choose that advice i think is good for me or not lol edit: and thank you good-old. I don't really want her to come back at this point. I've given up so much of myself, and made huge sacrifices, and worked so hard on myself to be the best husband I could be in her own eyes, and she still picked herself over us when she signed that lease and got her own place. I really can't forgive her for that. I'm not looking forward to being alone or even dating again, but the whole situation is fucked and I don't hate myself enough to chase her after all this.
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good-old
Doomer
18 year old dumb kid.
Posts: 407
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Post by good-old on Mar 22, 2021 13:25:15 GMT -5
Damn that's bad. I do hope you eventually find someone else and things get back to normal. Sorry if the rest of my post was off topic though.
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dn
Body Count: 02
the motherfucking darknation
Posts: 1,758
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Post by dn on Mar 22, 2021 16:14:01 GMT -5
I don't really want her to come back at this point. I've given up so much of myself, and made huge sacrifices, and worked so hard on myself to be the best husband I could be in her own eyes, and she still picked herself over us when she signed that lease and got her own place. I really can't forgive her for that. I'm not looking forward to being alone or even dating again, but the whole situation is fucked and I don't hate myself enough to chase her after all this. Can't speak for anyone else, but I've been significantly happier ever since I saw my own particular millstone detach from around my neck and sink to the bottom of the fucking ocean. You'll be fine bro.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Mar 22, 2021 21:51:34 GMT -5
40oz, I can assure you there was no personal animosity between me and Lobo, I withdrew from the thread because I didn't want to derail the topic (actually, I hesitated to even start this debate because of this), and because Lobo made his intentions clear and was obviously well-intentioned, my main point of concern thus resolved. And dn tops my rating for providing the best kind of emotional support (from the very first reply to this thread), with no close competitors. Not implying we should rate anyone ofc, we all did our best.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 23, 2021 19:24:10 GMT -5
You cannot spend your time trying to analyse and guess the myriad ways someone might be feeling/react to anything you say. Otherwise the only thing to do is do/say nothing. Wallowing in the blues has absolutely no positive outcome. Moving on does. While this is certainly true to a large extent, it might be worthwhile to analyze a failed relationship using an impartial viewpoint. Rather than simply shrugging your shoulders and saying, "Oh what a selfish woman, time to get me another one", perhaps a truly unbiased evaluation of the events might reveal an underlying issue in yourself that was also to blame for the failure of the relationship. Like oh...I don't know...welcoming an unemployed drug addict into your home and not being the least bit considerate when your own wife(you know, that same woman you stood before God with and pledged to cherish above all others) expressed legitimate safety and security issues because some deadbeat junkie was relapsing right under her roof and syphoning part of what little money was available. One thing that some of you guys haven't yet figured out about life is this fact: While there are plenty of fish in the sea, there are only a few that you will be able to develop a deep connection with. So if and when you do find that connection, you might want to try not to fuck it up, even if that means occasionally admitting that you yourself might not be Mr. Perfect. As much as I will inevitably get flamed and called a jerk for this admittedly harsh post, it's worth reading critically because it could lead to shifts in behavior that ends up benefitting you in the long run.
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40oz
diRTbAg
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Post by 40oz on Mar 23, 2021 19:45:15 GMT -5
Like oh...I don't know...welcoming an unemployed drug addict into your home and not being the least bit considerate when your own wife(you know, that same woman you stood before God with and pledged to cherish above all others) expressed legitimate safety and security issues because some deadbeat junkie was relapsing right under her roof and syphoning part of what little money was available. Cool it with the judgment. Check the rules I made in the OP. He's my childhood best friend, still is, and has been clean ever since. You don't know my wife or my relationship with her, and you haven't earned the right with me to know. Especially when i can't trust you not to make these massive reaches about my personal life. Don't push back please, or we are gonna have a serious problem.
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dn
Body Count: 02
the motherfucking darknation
Posts: 1,758
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Post by dn on Mar 23, 2021 20:21:11 GMT -5
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Post by lunchlunch on Mar 30, 2021 15:23:32 GMT -5
Life sucks, why not drink to excess everyday. I'd been sober a couple weeks then went to dinner with some friends and then my ex girlfriend got sat at the table right next to us. It was a pussy move but I got drunk and been drinking ever since. I don't know what to do. What am I, gonna go back to rehab? I already learned all the skills they teach. And I did a fucking year of AA in the past, what am I gonna do, go back to those squalid rooms and pretend to believe in God? Going to meetings and having a sponsor keep track of me and working the steps just feels like being in high school, forced to participate and do gayass homework. I've embraced the pandemic to just stay inside making doom maps but I let it be a bigger part of my life than it should be. Dunno what the next step is other than to finish this bottle of Jim Beam and hope no one at work notices or tattles. This is a gay needy post and it makes me feel even more ashamed. Anyways happy DOOMing.
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xeepeep
Banned
Forever
Posts: 2,338
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Post by xeepeep on Mar 30, 2021 15:56:44 GMT -5
Spill that shit in the sink right now
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40oz
diRTbAg
Posts: 5,937
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Post by 40oz on Mar 30, 2021 16:23:22 GMT -5
lunchlunch, you seem shockingly lucid for a dude with a drinking problem. Your posts are well informed, your maps are fantastic, and you were very present in the testing sessions. Pretty functional! Last time you posted here you had some drinks to finding out your girl had feelings for another dude. Didn't know you've been sobering up since then, and its important not to minimize how much you've been actively working on that. Its a problem most lucky people never have to deal with. Honestly, cheers. have some drinks. polish that thing off if there aint much left. but after that, don't get more. You're gonna bounce back because you always do.
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matador
You're trying to say you like DOS better than me, right?
I feel asleep.
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Post by matador on Mar 30, 2021 17:24:05 GMT -5
lunchlunch Sorry to hear you relapsed. You shouldn't beat yourself up about it, shit happens and what's done is done. You sobered up before so there's nothing to say you can't do that again, even if you slip up here and there. Don't really have any advice or anything, just hope things get better for you soon.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Mar 30, 2021 23:28:29 GMT -5
lunchlunch, I don't know what AA stands for, but your map contribution to the current ongoing DBP is fucking AAA. Ok, I'm joking about AA part, but serious about AAA. As a side remark that may not be quite by the rules: Shaming has no good uses in my view, whether directed at oneself or others. It's a destructive emotion. So drop the "gay needy post", "pussy move" remarks bullshit. It's fine to look for people that support you, especially since, as of recent, you have one less such person in real life. I mean, literally you choose between "finding people who give you compassion" and "alcohol", and you think first one is too pussy for a man and take the second. Because fucking culture says that man should be self-reliant, but also portrays men resorting to alcohol when they have a fucked up life. Shit is fucking backwards. It should have been the other way around. I had no shame asking friend to find a flat to rent (https://doomer.boards.net/thread/1955/small-emergency), by that I mean he made the calls and the shit, I've actually done nothing. Well, perhaps for one single thing: I know who is good at what in my circle of people, that's why I got out of shit fast. A skill of its own, too, and I care little what other people think about it. Also, it looks like you acknowledge your own agency rather than the higher power bullshit, high five dude!
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Post by lunchlunch on Mar 30, 2021 23:59:58 GMT -5
Thanks guys.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2021 1:07:51 GMT -5
lunchlunch, I sincerely wish I could help with your struggles, but I'll have to admit I indeed have no experience with alcoholism, or even with the broader spectrum of alcohol-related problems (I have been a teetotaller until I've turned 24 years, and haven't drunk much outside of social events since then anyway). My father did have a drinking problem when I was a child, but perhaps he didn't develop the dreadful condition you just described. Even though my mother perceived him as alcoholic (and still does), it never stuck to me to see him this way. Sorry that my earlier feedback missed your circumstances by a long shot. I'll correct it by saying that I respect you a lot, and really wish you to overcome your difficult predicament.
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40oz
diRTbAg
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Post by 40oz on Mar 31, 2021 7:41:44 GMT -5
Very nicely put @vigilantdoomer. You're a good dude
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40oz
diRTbAg
Posts: 5,937
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Post by 40oz on Apr 21, 2021 11:16:15 GMT -5
Man i've been really spread thin recently. I've got small home improvement projects that are growing and I'm running out of budget for, I've been getting a lot of small projects at work to oversee at once, and im trying to file some of this paperwork so that this breakup is nice and clean so that I don't have any obligations. It's eating up a lot of my time. It's tough to not get too disconnected with my friends and it sucks because I really need them right now. Just feeling kinda shitty because I'm not available to talk a lot of the time. I need a break but it doesnt feel like im gonna get one anytime soon without hurting some feelings.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2021 12:21:00 GMT -5
40oz, I'm looking for a way out of similar predicament right now - overwhelmed with stuff, help not coming. Say, a person I asked to aid me in translating a movie told me just a few days from deadline that she didn't watch it because of the opening scene, good thing I already did this by myself since I knew I can't count on people, although revision would still help. The broken friendship I've spoken about in a different thread seems beyond recovery, as the prospect of mediation didn't work out (no one with the skill to do it who is not on a side), and that was the closest person to me for a while with whom I had mutual support until the recent conflict that really happened over one day and just torn everything apart. I was on top of it for a while but now I started to feel weary, as other things don't work out like I planned either, and there is a deadline attached to everything and yet it isn't entirely under my control and depends on other people, who can't be trusted more than you can trust a known thief. Wish I could give you better feedback but I'm struggling myself right now.
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