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Post by Deleted on Dec 10, 2017 22:50:37 GMT -5
Usually influenced by all your interactions, experiences and knowledge you tend to pick up throughout your life, you tend to develop a certain way of looking at things, the community of this forum is strangely diverse and I am interested in the views you have developed yourselves as individuals. More specifically I am interested in your perception of your life, what is your life to you? I'll start off with my view: It's quite bleak actually, I see everything I do as nothing but more dust in wind at best (but not just in classic nihilistic relative to universe sense, I'm thinking everything I do is nothing to everyone close to me and I'm nothing to them, if I were to disappear I doubt anyone of them would notice or care, infact I'd see my erasure as a boon to them) and abhorrently destructive at worst (I've been at the centre of so much disaster it goes beyond a joke and a feels more like a punishment for my sins, the worst part is I never try to do these horrible things but I just manage to break everything I touch), I'd say it was bad luck if I didn't know any better.
My biggest fear is being alone and forgotten, yet I also believe I deserve these things and all signs as of now show this as my fate. I'm doomed, I don't want this yet I feel as though I deserve this, people have told this ain't true but I disagree.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2017 1:22:31 GMT -5
Love yourself josh dude, or you will have no love to give others. Try and live in the now instead of thinking about what may happen or worse, legacy. Legacy is a noun and not a verb meaning there is nothing you can actively do to change what others see or think of you. Bad luck is real enough, but self created through your thoughts and actions or inaction. Be prepared for everything in your life that you know to be true to turn out false, and adapt and be happy for the opportunity.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2017 4:25:46 GMT -5
It's a mutual feeling dude. I don't wanna die like this; but my only hope is to have the eternal adoration of the Doom community despite my expulsion. I will claw my way violently into their hearts and not let go until they deem me the best there's ever been. Or demand me. I'm fighting to make my life worth living and not to be simply lost to the midst of time itself. I just don't want my existance to be for nothing, you know? I've angered a lot of the vets and Jimmy&Co. are holding onto the drama so I guess I should just kill myself. They say "It's just a game!" but when you're relatively useless and terrible at everything due to raw incompetence, plus a bevy of mental issues causing you to act like a sperg at the drop of a hat, Games ARE life. Or a Form-Life. S'not a life-form cause it's not alive, but it's certainly more than just "Art" or "A Game" or "Entertainment". It's something more. Something that speaks to one's most basest instincts, and to one's most deepest imaginations and passions. The most direct means of creating the things that plague your mentality. This, and the ability to kill things without repercussion because they're ficticious, virtual monsters who exist for the sole purpose of captivating us, and they're not harmed by it. Videogames don't cause violence if the gamers in question become MORE opposed to such things and even fear committing them themselves.I'm tired of fuckin' things up, y'know? I wanna make something of myself. It's not enough to play DOOM anymore. After playing it for years, I needed to give back. Maybe from there I'll catch my break and be able to fulfill a childhood dream of getting into the industry; but I'll always keep doing passion stuff. Aaand the unfortunacy of clogging my harddrive with gigabytes worth of Trash.
I never asked for this; Getting into Doom modding was supposed to be my escape from that. Kill me.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2017 4:32:28 GMT -5
Damn Josh, don't think that way dude. We only know eachother in the "both in the Doom community" sense and even then I'd be sad as fuck if you passed away. I know that doesn't mean much at all compared to your perception of what those around you in your actual day to day life feel, but to that I just say - read Glen's post. He's right on the money.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2017 5:45:30 GMT -5
Sarais bro just chill and take two Dooms with water after each meal.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2017 5:52:24 GMT -5
I'm taking seven!
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2017 5:53:44 GMT -5
I think you’re already overdosing as it is, just two will be plenty for a while.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2017 6:19:43 GMT -5
Don't look at me, I'm hunting for secrets!
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40oz
diRTbAg
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Post by 40oz on Dec 11, 2017 9:28:08 GMT -5
mrthejoshmon: You've hinted at a pretty self-loathing mode of thinking before, but it's daunting to read it in more detail. I'm always happy to read your posts. I read these forums incessantly and I value everyone's contributions. I don't mean in a customer service style "your input matters to us: please fill out this 10 question survey for a chance to win a prize" sort of way. I mean I hate getting all of my information from a small range of perspectives, so your posts in any thread are always read by me with a reasonable level of credibility.
I too, at times, recognize the insignificance of my life in the giant mass of humans we share this planet with. And it is certainly depressing. There's just too many fucking people who need attention that aren't getting it, and they act out in bizarre ways that they don't realize are really off-putting, which makes the entire world seem like it's booked it's one way ticket descending into crazy town. There's just not enough time and energy and motivation to give everyone what they need to make them chill out and just be themselves.
That said, there were times where I felt that I had a pretty solid and well-thought out outlook on life. What I've realized recently is that my outlook is still very much a work in progress that isn't even close to being fully comprehended. As I've gotten older, I've realized that in the same way that something like Doom mapping can be so complicated and take many years to work out exactly what about it makes for a good or bad map, everything can be examined in that level of detail. People, especially, are all very complicated. Sometimes they do and say things they don't mean because they're taking a shortcut to provoke a reaction that they want. Their motivations to do or say something are usually not obvious and it's wrong to always take them at face value. I do believe that even the worst people in the world have very normal, human, and relatable needs that make them able to connect with. Depending on the circumstances of their life, and how cooperative they choose to be, some can be much more difficult than others.
Based on your opinion of life, I think you're surrounded by a lot of people who have a very strange way of expressing how they feel, and by being exposed to it for a long enough time, you've learned to believe that they are acting exactly as their mind works. We all have the capacity to do some pretty amazing things with our minds when it comes to problem solving, but also at being deceptive. I'd imagine that if you were really as worthless as you make yourself up to be, you'd be completely invisible and absent to everyone's mind completely. Seriously, people would think about you as often as they think about whether there's enough nutrients in the earth's soil to sustain plant growth for the next 10,000 years, or if within the cold exterior of the icy planet Pluto lies a warm chocolatey center. (in other words, basically never at all.)
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40oz
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Post by 40oz on Dec 11, 2017 9:42:54 GMT -5
Sarais: I think most of us who have started mapping have, at some point, aspired to rule the Doom community by creating the best maps they've ever seen. This prospect has gotten tougher as I've realized that some people seem to have an infinite amount of time and the projects that have been released in the last 5 years are getting increasingly more original and technically advanced. However, I welcome you to this community, and I'd like to help you in any way I can to dominate this community with your mapping!
I too have very similar feelings about how important a game like Doom is. I also think its just as important to use it to express our creativity through content that people would like to consume. I understand you've had some trouble with people in the Doom community, particularly ones who have a pretty high profile too. I've had trouble with these types of people too, as has a lot of the people on this forum. Don't let their talk stop you. I've found that there are a lot of people in the Doom community who present themselves with a good moral compass to excuse their right to do some pretty gnarly things.
This isn't to say that their opinions aren't important, but I like managing this community separately from Doomworld because it's Doom that matters to me. Not the community. With that said, I'd like you to make the best stuff you think you can make so people can't help but love your work, and I'll help you in any way I can so that you can get there.
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BIG DICK NIGGA
this post is a lie about my bodily proportions
Major Arlene obsessed, 100% verified freakazoid. AKA bzzrak
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Post by BIG DICK NIGGA on Dec 11, 2017 10:22:11 GMT -5
Josh don't kill yerself yo, I like your snarky british humour (You're a Brit right?) ------------------------ As for myself, I'm enjoying a quite chill existence at the moment. I'm in my mid-teens, young beautiful smart charismatic intelligent yet still somehow a virgin, on my parents' neck, no real worries or concerns at all, insane-ass mapping skillz0rz, an adorable "awkward but kinda cool guy" reputation IRL which I don't mind (at least I'm not being beaten up), slowly becoming more and more sociable (I was terribly introverted when I was like 13, not anymore, thankfully). Ofc all this will change dramatically in about a year when I go to university in some neat badass European country, as I'll be forced to fight for myself, but that's kinda what I want, so all is cool. But that's another story, isn't it?? Overall I'd say I'm living a real-ass happy life, which is probably good?? If you think into it, my life is also kinda dusty and insignificant but at least one person is having benefits from it (me), so I don't really overload myself with such thoughts most of the time. I'm not really doing anything for some sort of greater goal or anything, which probably makes my life qualify as kinda worthless, but I'm only at 1/6 of my life, yo, everything's ahead, yet to come, right? ------------------ Seriously, Josh mate, there's nothing bad in being dust and wind. There doesn't really have to be a meaning. It'll come. And even if it doesn't, what's the difference anyway?? Just having hope is enough sometimes. :] <3 <3 thank you for being you ------------------------------------- sarais sweetheart I think you're taking it all too seriously, just relax, drink some peach juice or whatever because peach juice is delicious and makes you more relaxed and all that; Doom is really just a game, also have ya noticed that usually the most proficient mappers have the most relaxed attitudes towards all that?? Don't treat a stupid videogame communtiy as your only chance of success because that would be stupid, and nobody wants to be stupid, right??? :] <3 <3 <3 P.S. I'm quite bad at wording and I sound like a hyperactive 14-year-old because I'm quite sleepy and can't be bothered to make my posts coherent, so suffer ehehhe
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40oz
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Post by 40oz on Dec 11, 2017 10:31:47 GMT -5
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GRUG
Doomer
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Post by GRUG on Dec 11, 2017 12:49:54 GMT -5
I've been taking the black pill lately on my outlook on life. I'm in my mid twenties and not married or have any gf. This could be due to my negativity/disdain towards most people. I never really liked a lot of people during my college years. Everyone came across to me as degenerates or morons, except for my friend Tom who was always there for me during some difficult times in my life.
I come from a good household, but my extended family is a mess and it sometimes affects my immediate family. The issue always stems down to money, and ego.
Society is a mess and standards are as low as dinosaur bones.
I'm very disgusted at the mentality of people from my generation, which is why I often do not relate to them. I date women once in a while, but it often doesn't work out. This is mostly because they dislike my values, or vise versa. I don't want to be one of those MGTOW types. I want to meet the right woman and someday start a family, but I'm terrified that I might get fucked over by some psychopathic cunt who decides to leave my ass, take more than half of my money/assets in alimony, etc.. This happened to my uncle and it nearly ruined him.
I think what keeps my left foot going in front of my right foot is a small spark of a optimism. I say to myself, "I believe there will be a better chance that my life will improve if I continue to work hard and never give up."
Quote from Lord of The Rings: "Despair or folly? said Gandalf. It is not despair, for despair is only for those who see the end beyond all doubt."
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BIG DICK NIGGA
this post is a lie about my bodily proportions
Major Arlene obsessed, 100% verified freakazoid. AKA bzzrak
Posts: 2,296
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Post by BIG DICK NIGGA on Dec 11, 2017 14:49:18 GMT -5
I'm in my mid twenties and not married or have any gf. Your post and this quote in particular seems to describe the fact that you are lonely more than anything else. Now a bit of armchair psychoanalysis -- why do you think that you're still lonely and single?What's so "dislikable" about your values? What's the reason for your "negativity for most people"? Srsly man that's kinda the wrong POV to have. People can be awesome if you let yourself see them as such. As for your fear of getting fucked over by some psycho, don't you think you're looking a bit too far? In order for that to happen, you need to marry first or whatever. One wonder at a time yo. What's so messy about modern society? You don't have to actually respond, just tink ebaut it.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2017 15:15:37 GMT -5
It’s like John Lennon said, “If you go carrying pictures of President Trump, you’re not gonna make it with anyone anyhow”
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GRUG
Doomer
30 year old boomer
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Post by GRUG on Dec 11, 2017 22:21:50 GMT -5
I'm in my mid twenties and not married or have any gf. Your post and this quote in particular seems to describe the fact that you are lonely more than anything else. Now a bit of armchair psychoanalysis -- why do you think that you're still lonely and single?What's so "dislikable" about your values? What's the reason for your "negativity for most people"? Srsly man that's kinda the wrong POV to have. People can be awesome if you let yourself see them as such. As for your fear of getting fucked over by some psycho, don't you think you're looking a bit too far? In order for that to happen, you need to marry first or whatever. One wonder at a time yo. What's so messy about modern society? You don't have to actually respond, just tink ebaut it. I'll respond via pm.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 12, 2017 4:18:26 GMT -5
- John Lennon, 1968
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Post by Deleted on Dec 12, 2017 14:09:49 GMT -5
I have a lot of ups and downs, more down lately. I've been drinking a lot and smoking a lot of cigarettes. I hate the fact that society is fucking cold, because most people have become a bunch of emotionally-stunted narcissist lizard brains, with no empathy, and complete lack of morality. I feel that it's not so much my fault, as much as it is the fault of those around me. Oddly, I'm constantly making jokes all the time, and try to act upbeat. But I live by the philosophy that your life can change dramatically in a single-day, for good or for bad; but you should focus on the good.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 12, 2017 15:17:49 GMT -5
Kontra, you mention you smoke and drink while complaining about lack of morals of others around you, what do you see in the others that is so heinous? Not odd at all, making jokes can be like the first sighs of desperate cries from a man overboard and nearly drowning. Your philosophy at the end is based in reality, but how do you place fault on everyone else while giving yourself a clean sheet? Take some responsibility man, because if you like to play the blame game, eventually you would have to include yourself. I think it is you yourself who needs to play the game of empathy and humility.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 12, 2017 19:46:47 GMT -5
Guys, I don't said think I've said this but I really do appreciate the fact you take time to read my posts and engage in meaningful discussion with me, offering advice and knowledge that is really (and I mean REALLY) helpful to me in my struggles and down moments.
I simply cannot thank you enough, your posts mean more than you think.
So to cut the sop short, thanks, no really, thank you.
P.S: Yes Xeep, I am English.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 12, 2017 20:57:25 GMT -5
No worries josh bro, take care and chin up
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Post by Deleted on Dec 12, 2017 23:45:19 GMT -5
Kontra, you mention you smoke and drink while complaining about lack of morals of others around you, what do you see in the others that is so heinous? Not odd at all, making jokes can be like the first sighs of desperate cries from a man overboard and nearly drowning. Your philosophy at the end is based in reality, but how do you place fault on everyone else while giving yourself a clean sheet? Take some responsibility man, because if you like to play the blame game, eventually you would have to include yourself. I think it is you yourself who needs to play the game of empathy and humility. I think this more accurately describes my philosophy and my role in life:
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dn
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the motherfucking darknation
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Post by dn on Dec 13, 2017 2:30:56 GMT -5
Lol nope - Mark David Chapman, 1980
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Post by Deleted on Dec 13, 2017 4:10:56 GMT -5
Harsh, but fair dn.
Kontra, I want half of what you’re on haha you sound like you’re on that good shit!
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Post by Deleted on Dec 16, 2017 11:41:02 GMT -5
I'm on Team Nihilism. People mostly mean fuck all to me, aside from the ones I hate (a large group) or like enough to want to spend time with. I tend to assume the same is true for me in the eyes of others, so it's my preference to be left to my own devices, for the most part. In 1000 years nobody will have any idea who I was unless I do something monumental, which I certainly am not in a position to. So why does what I do matter? Only the immediate consequences, as far as I'm concerned. Treat others as you'd like to be treated, because it's an easier life that way. If things are shit enough to bother you, do something about it. Quit that shit job, stop hanging out with those shit people, stop watching that shit film and definitely stop playing that shit game. Likewise, if you like something, treasure it. You're not going to be happy all that often, so enjoy what you can. Without positive things in life, I'd not bother with living. That method of thinking dips me in and out of depression, but according to a couple of psychologists I've seen, that depression is sympotmatic of my lifestyle, so there's impetus to deal with it, one way or the other.
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