Address tae the DildoJesus! Check thae size ae that;
Thon veiny, thrummin’ puddin: black,
Twel’ inches lang fae front tae back;
Gies me the fear!
Ae suction cup up’oan thae sack;
Ae pair ae rabbit ears!
In thae sock drawer – deftly hidd’n
Lurks this fearsome fuckin’ zeppelin,
Pittin’ paid tae aw erection;
Ah’m disgraced!
Puir boyfriend - fearin’ insurrection
- Soon tae be replaced.
Ain, Jesus, hoo kin men compete
Wie wullies measured noo in feet?
Wie bunnies thit kin go fir weeks,
Wi’ Energizer?
Whin thae only Lightnin’ in mah breeks
is Tesco's value cider?
This puir wee grizzl’t, shrivil’t sudjer,
Oot thae dair ain oot tae pasture:
Noo replac’d by better hardware,
Pity, pity thee!
Yir pensioned auf – yer war is ower.
P.T.S.D.
So whit, min - s’sair! - but better aff,
If - whin yir revered better-haulf,
Wid rather take the wrapper auf
The (content removed) uncannae!
Yi kin deek the fuckin’ reek shi’s caused
By stretchin’ oot ‘ir fuckin’ waws
Ain turned intae ae parkin’ lot;
Thon mess shi
caws a fanny!
Naw, mon, dinnae faw tae rage:
It’s no yir fault yi’ve bin replaced
By modern, mair efficient ways
Ae’nobblin’ boabie!
Wi marvels o’ the modern age
Like Aga’s verus microwaves
Jist think o’ aw the time yi’ll save,
Ain mibbie…
Git a hobby?
Like… mibbie sittin’… goin’ fishin’…
Outae hoose. In rain. Thit’s pishin’.
The lass at hame wi’ plastic piston
Jesus help mi.
Whilst standin’ in inclement weather
Shi’s at hame - goan hell fer leather
Ruinin’ yir fuckin’ sofa;
Gien it laldie!
Fir me, the DIYs the mission:
Get some wid. Ain nails. Fer bashin’
She’s upstair wi Dildo thrashin’;
Goin’ yeldie!
Fuck these shelves kin tak a burton,
Hammer oot tae end her passion,
Up thae stairs I’ll come ae-crashin’ -
Dildo!
Meet the Malkie!
Ach - yi canne kid yirsel,
Yir beat, min – best resign yirsel.
This mental angish best be quell’d
So lit’s be frank:
Yi canne beat ‘em, trith be tel’,
So mibbie join ‘em – be as well -
Thae’s ain job thit yi do you excel
Upstairs, min;
Hae a wank.
