Wizard School
(aka: If JK Rowling can make a Billion Dollars writing about Wizards then why can't I?)
I hud a mate cawed Rabbie Potter,
Just a wean; adopted by ae
Pair ae tracky boatumed neds,
Whae kept him in thur gairdin shed;
Ain fed the bastard tattie peels,
An table scraps; a wee bit sprout
Oan Chritsmas day! Nae sign o' goose;
A fucking tradegy.
Un so he grew, aw lice ain shit;
Wi nae Nintendo; play'd sticks!
Nae swaggart duds: nae Nikey gear:
Ainstead the threads ae yesteryear.
Ae fashion sense strait fae Beiruit:
Ae pair ae breeks wi arse blown oot!
A manky sweater; dunlop boots,
Ain gray, gray, gray.
Ain school - fir him - a livin' hell,
He's battered daily by oorselves
The breaktime bell wid ring ain'd we'd
Chairge oot the class wi evil feelin'
Tae lavvie - aye we'd rush
Ain catch the bastard zippin' up
Ain Rabbie's heid wid surely flush
Ain teeth be brushed wi toilet brush.
They nichts pair Rabbie lay ain prayed
Beneath his moldy tattie sack
Tae God or Stagecoach: -
Tak me away!
Tak me away ain niver back!
Ain oot thae stars; thae flap ae wings,
A Hoolie flutter't tae the windae.
White it wis! Ain red of ein!
Ain magic! Aye, thon's surely plain
Deliverin' tae this pittied ween
Salvation clutched within' ae beak
A letter biddin' Rabbie hasten,
Tae a certain railway station.
Rabbie Potter, thou's bin chosen
Tae commence yer education!
Come ain join us doon at Eton;
Join the Wizard School!
Ain so it wiz that Rabbie Potter
Packed his sack ain gave the finger,
Thumbed ae lift up'oan ae truck
Ain telt us Muggles: "Get tae fuck."
Ain oot ae toon by unkent roads
Ain vanished then: his fate unknown
Ain left behind the plebs ain fools
Tae tak his place ait Wizard School
An noo we come tae yesterday
When Rabbie Potter reappeared
As if by magic! Him an friends
Piled oot a fuckin' camper van
Thir's two score men aw clad in dresses
Pointy hats like pencils; standing
Gathered now upon my lawn!
Wi' summoned fire! Swaying, chanting;
Said to them; 'It's Robbie, san!
- How goes the wizard school, my man?'
He sais: -
- "Thir's nae such thing
as fuckin' wizards;
- I joined the Klu Klux Klan."
Ain sure enough, I checked my phaine
His Facebook: "Graduation day -
Likes: "Adolf Hitler, Racial Purity.
- Daily Mail an' Maxwell Mosley."
Dislikes: "Homos, maist equality,
- Blacks an' spics an' gyppo's, mainly.
- Zionist protocals, Anne Frank's diary,
- Israeli Social Housing Policy"
It was at exactly that moment
That I knew that we were fucked.
They went aboot the fuckin' toon
Wi torches oot and burnt us doon!
Ain set about the fuckin' wa's
Wi swasticas! Pulled doon the school
Ain ram-raided the HBC
Wi two-score stolen JCBs
Thin set aboot the Tesco, min
Wi blastin' caps; ain glycerine
They ripped apart ma fuckin' pub
Ain crucified ma neighboor's dug
Defiled the church when untold squatters
Shat intae the holy water
Emptied oot the guns they'd loaded
Mr Tesco's shop exploded!
Outraged screams came fae the Argyle
"Oh mah goad! The fuckin' booze aisle!"
So oot the pub comes aw the Irish
Ain oot the mosque comes fuckin' Isis
Three mobs meet oot in the street
Ain clash the-gither: stairt tae beat
ain stab each ither; "Moan the Turks!"
Then BOOM! The fuckin' sewage works!
Ain there it goes! The mushroom cloud
Blots oot the sun! Ain doon it comes
Ain pish rains doon from up on high
As fountains blast into the sky
Ain slowly Blair begins tae sink
Beneath a sea of putrid shit
Whilst mobs o' folk aw stab and kill
Ain battle oan ain oan uphill
As sewage rises; ran an' ran ais
Blair turns intae shit Atlantis
Nae escape; the risin' tide
It closes ower heids like mine
Ah sink intae the shitey water
Thumbs up - like the terminator.
There is no moral to this story
Beware the fuckin wizards.
