dn writes personal statement, goes to University.
Apr 26, 2018 6:16:08 GMT -5
Post by dn on Apr 26, 2018 6:16:08 GMT -5
When I was seven years old I was bitten by a radioactive alcoholic. Needless to say, this changed my life completely. Now, by day, I am <darknation>, a meek and mild-mannered SWAP student studying at <redacted> College, UHI. But, when the moon rises, I undergo a terrible metamorphosis and become the incredible Captain Ethanol - catastrophic in spandex - a hero with superhuman drinking capacity who selflessly helps the local constabulary with their inquiries on a semi-regular basis.
Soon, you will be visited by three spirits: this is a very convoluted way of saying here’s some stuff that I have done, followed by some stuff I am doing, followed by some stuff I want to do.
The Ghost of Arseholes Past: I wrote a book that will never be published because it breaks at least 3 articles of the Geneva Convention. I wrote (and continue to write) poetry that will never be published because it’s basically crap. On the positive side, I wrote the script for a computer game that was published, but only in Sweden, and I don’t think they speak English in Sweden, so I don’t think it really counts.
Work-wise, I spent a year eviscerating chickens in Coupar Angus (£6.20 per hour). This was a rewarding experience because I don’t really like chickens very much. Then I spent seven years scraping shit off the demented denizens of a nursing home (£7.00 per hour). This taught me to revere and respect my elders. Then I spent two years working in a pub (£7.60 per hour). A man died in the pub toilet once; this taught me not to shoot heroin in the pub toilet.
The Ghost of Arseholes Present: we find our hero to be diligently and persistently hiding from his psychology lecturer in the library. He is passing Higher English like a Boss. He is passing Higher History and Politics like the guy who is not the Boss, but could one day become the Boss if he continues to apply himself and attends carefully to his studies. He is definitely not failing Higher Psychology and staring helplessly into the textbook, experiencing a sensation that is 90% anxiety and 10% diarrhoea.
He is writing an ill-conceived personal statement. It is either, a) - the greatest personal statement ever written, or b) - an academic suicide note.
Outside college, I perform spoken word, poetry and prose at various pubs and inns throughout the land. I am never invited back. I also invented a new form of performance art which involves sitting on a barstool with my head in my hands, silently screaming into the face of the existential void that awaits to swallow all of mankind upon the very instant of our demise. This, coincidently, is exactly how I plan to tackle the psychology exam.
The Ghost of Arseholes Future: why do I want to study literature? It’s because I am good at two things and two things only: I can either write literature or I can gut chickens in an industrial evisceration plant. I choose to do literature because literature smells better.
Why you should let me onto your course and potentially befoul the fine reputation of your university? I’m not going to sit here and tell you how absolutely amazing I am at English: you can look at the reference from my English lecturer for that. I think she quite likes me, she sees in me a source of raw talent that can be molded into a great and terrible vase, although she thinks my metaphors are occasionally a bit shit. So, I suggest you look at that for insight into my many qualities and doubtless ability, unless she totally slags me off in the reference, in which case I think she’s a vindictive cow who is blinded to my genius by seething professional jealousy.
Thank you for taking the time to consider me. I really, truly do appreciate it.
Soon, you will be visited by three spirits: this is a very convoluted way of saying here’s some stuff that I have done, followed by some stuff I am doing, followed by some stuff I want to do.
The Ghost of Arseholes Past: I wrote a book that will never be published because it breaks at least 3 articles of the Geneva Convention. I wrote (and continue to write) poetry that will never be published because it’s basically crap. On the positive side, I wrote the script for a computer game that was published, but only in Sweden, and I don’t think they speak English in Sweden, so I don’t think it really counts.
Work-wise, I spent a year eviscerating chickens in Coupar Angus (£6.20 per hour). This was a rewarding experience because I don’t really like chickens very much. Then I spent seven years scraping shit off the demented denizens of a nursing home (£7.00 per hour). This taught me to revere and respect my elders. Then I spent two years working in a pub (£7.60 per hour). A man died in the pub toilet once; this taught me not to shoot heroin in the pub toilet.
The Ghost of Arseholes Present: we find our hero to be diligently and persistently hiding from his psychology lecturer in the library. He is passing Higher English like a Boss. He is passing Higher History and Politics like the guy who is not the Boss, but could one day become the Boss if he continues to apply himself and attends carefully to his studies. He is definitely not failing Higher Psychology and staring helplessly into the textbook, experiencing a sensation that is 90% anxiety and 10% diarrhoea.
He is writing an ill-conceived personal statement. It is either, a) - the greatest personal statement ever written, or b) - an academic suicide note.
Outside college, I perform spoken word, poetry and prose at various pubs and inns throughout the land. I am never invited back. I also invented a new form of performance art which involves sitting on a barstool with my head in my hands, silently screaming into the face of the existential void that awaits to swallow all of mankind upon the very instant of our demise. This, coincidently, is exactly how I plan to tackle the psychology exam.
The Ghost of Arseholes Future: why do I want to study literature? It’s because I am good at two things and two things only: I can either write literature or I can gut chickens in an industrial evisceration plant. I choose to do literature because literature smells better.
Why you should let me onto your course and potentially befoul the fine reputation of your university? I’m not going to sit here and tell you how absolutely amazing I am at English: you can look at the reference from my English lecturer for that. I think she quite likes me, she sees in me a source of raw talent that can be molded into a great and terrible vase, although she thinks my metaphors are occasionally a bit shit. So, I suggest you look at that for insight into my many qualities and doubtless ability, unless she totally slags me off in the reference, in which case I think she’s a vindictive cow who is blinded to my genius by seething professional jealousy.
Thank you for taking the time to consider me. I really, truly do appreciate it.
End result? I got into one the the most exclusive & over-subscribed University Courses in the entire fucking country.
Glory to dn. Glory to the Greatest Personal Statement Ever written. Death to cucks who play by the rules.
