Importance of self-preservation and growing as a person.
Jul 1, 2021 5:38:04 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Jul 1, 2021 5:38:04 GMT -5
This post is somewhat a post mortem for me. Not gonna lie I'm extremely tired of all the shit that happened to me in last 5 years of life. A lot of wrong decitions, some of which were mede under mental sickess, were made, previous year I tried to establish somewhat of a normal life in reality, went to a lot of therapist for heal the damage caused by army service and constant stress I live with for 26... well, almost 27 years. And this year is the last nail in my internet coffin. Because I'm tired of bullshit, of accusations, of shit happening in community I was so passionate about, everything just crumbles and I do not want to deal with this anymore. Hell, I have a life to live, after all...
So what's the point. Have I come to here to make a topic and just rant like a crybaby? No. That's not the intended path. I've come to say my last words, the truth, and to leave all that mess surrounding my name at last. For be in peace with my mind, my life, and become somewhat a valuable in my life, for myself, not others.
===
I don't know if some of you remember who I was before starting wearing this nickname or you do not, but... I was a guy that was known as CWolf. Impulsive, rather annoying edgy person that sometimes acted like a jerk. I was like that beffore it come to the moment when I was sent to serve my motherland. While I was in army service I revaluated a lot of stuff, I found myself a purpose to move forward, despite slowly degrading into a psychic husk because of a stress and conflicts I had during army service. It wasn't plce I've supposed to end up in but, was there any better alternative to get some money? no. Not at the time I went here...
Two years ago I've got a colossal mental breakdown that led me into half-insane state. I was put into mental asylum in Rostov (because I served there) and send here a few months. During that time I supposed to get better but my state have got only worse. Being in a place that resembles a prison cell does not help you to get healphier, see?
Because I had signed military contract I was able to have some communication with outher world. That was a mistake, and the main reason to why I'm getting out of places and internet overall. Because of that I've had shared a lot of pain with people, hoping that they will help me somehow, to stop feeling like shit.
But as I said my situation worsened and I've did a thing I still regret about. At one day I wrote very controversial shitpost to get attention of people. It was very, very fucking dumb idea that was born by ill mind, accompanied with mental instability. Although people were aware where am I and why they took my words too serious. They thought I wrote a real shit and that I do somewhat of a revelation\coming out\whatever you'd call it. After that people started to accuse me in fuckery I'd never perform in real because I'm critically against such atrocities and people who do really commit these should be mutilated, burned alive in my opinion.
These fucking morons accused me in pedophilia. And till this they they keep carry this shit over the places lying to people that I'm into this shit.
Was there anything proving that? No. There were only words. Words that were clearly a shitpost for the sake of shitpost. Have these people ever thought otherwise? no. No they haven't.
They still don't. But who the fuck will care, right?
You may ask "wait, why the fuck you haven't done anything about back then, haven't proved them to be wrong?!". Well the answer is simple. I haven't been able to, because I had no idea how to fix this, and honestly I haven't cared for it. Like I said, during army service my mentality got crippled, hard. The only fucking thing I worried for was to get back to my family and forget this fucking nightmare. After some time after I finally got released from that hellhole I went to therapists. I had to go for a lot of recovery and safety therapies to prevent my behaviour becoming chaotic and straight up harming not only myself but people surrounding me. During these therapies I suddently realised what have happened and what have I done but it was already late for doing anything about that. Words have spread quite wide already and I was in no ability to prevent it. The cost was a very high for the lessons I've learned from that. I analysed everything, made right suggestions and thoughts from this mess. and just... kept to work on myself.
I learned a lot of painful lessons from army time, realised my mistakes and accepted them, had many feelings over all the bad stuff I've got myself into, including great regrets. I grew up, I did my homework and moved forward, leaving that bad experience behind because I have a life to live. And family to care for.
During last two years I tried to establish a life on both sides of reality. I've got deeper into art, I learned a lot of things I haven't knew, had helpled a bunch of people, developed good behaviour and overall, I just faced the truth as is, not denying that what happened - happened, and let myself to just move forward and keep tinkering what I was passionate about.
I do feel bad for how all this is going to end. But from the other side, maybe it's for the best. I'm having a hard, but overall good job now, I've got new friends, restored some of old connections. Met my friend from institute and we plan to try a thing and try out to make our friendship something a bit more than just a friendship.
And I have my parents and blood brother to have care for. They matter to me much more than all this shit happened in web, and so, the only reasonable way is to get myself a full go off internet. Because everyone deserve his own happiness, after all...
Wereknight signing off. It was a pleasure being a part of community. I wish you all good luck.
So what's the point. Have I come to here to make a topic and just rant like a crybaby? No. That's not the intended path. I've come to say my last words, the truth, and to leave all that mess surrounding my name at last. For be in peace with my mind, my life, and become somewhat a valuable in my life, for myself, not others.
===
I don't know if some of you remember who I was before starting wearing this nickname or you do not, but... I was a guy that was known as CWolf. Impulsive, rather annoying edgy person that sometimes acted like a jerk. I was like that beffore it come to the moment when I was sent to serve my motherland. While I was in army service I revaluated a lot of stuff, I found myself a purpose to move forward, despite slowly degrading into a psychic husk because of a stress and conflicts I had during army service. It wasn't plce I've supposed to end up in but, was there any better alternative to get some money? no. Not at the time I went here...
Two years ago I've got a colossal mental breakdown that led me into half-insane state. I was put into mental asylum in Rostov (because I served there) and send here a few months. During that time I supposed to get better but my state have got only worse. Being in a place that resembles a prison cell does not help you to get healphier, see?
Because I had signed military contract I was able to have some communication with outher world. That was a mistake, and the main reason to why I'm getting out of places and internet overall. Because of that I've had shared a lot of pain with people, hoping that they will help me somehow, to stop feeling like shit.
But as I said my situation worsened and I've did a thing I still regret about. At one day I wrote very controversial shitpost to get attention of people. It was very, very fucking dumb idea that was born by ill mind, accompanied with mental instability. Although people were aware where am I and why they took my words too serious. They thought I wrote a real shit and that I do somewhat of a revelation\coming out\whatever you'd call it. After that people started to accuse me in fuckery I'd never perform in real because I'm critically against such atrocities and people who do really commit these should be mutilated, burned alive in my opinion.
These fucking morons accused me in pedophilia. And till this they they keep carry this shit over the places lying to people that I'm into this shit.
Was there anything proving that? No. There were only words. Words that were clearly a shitpost for the sake of shitpost. Have these people ever thought otherwise? no. No they haven't.
They still don't. But who the fuck will care, right?
You may ask "wait, why the fuck you haven't done anything about back then, haven't proved them to be wrong?!". Well the answer is simple. I haven't been able to, because I had no idea how to fix this, and honestly I haven't cared for it. Like I said, during army service my mentality got crippled, hard. The only fucking thing I worried for was to get back to my family and forget this fucking nightmare. After some time after I finally got released from that hellhole I went to therapists. I had to go for a lot of recovery and safety therapies to prevent my behaviour becoming chaotic and straight up harming not only myself but people surrounding me. During these therapies I suddently realised what have happened and what have I done but it was already late for doing anything about that. Words have spread quite wide already and I was in no ability to prevent it. The cost was a very high for the lessons I've learned from that. I analysed everything, made right suggestions and thoughts from this mess. and just... kept to work on myself.
I learned a lot of painful lessons from army time, realised my mistakes and accepted them, had many feelings over all the bad stuff I've got myself into, including great regrets. I grew up, I did my homework and moved forward, leaving that bad experience behind because I have a life to live. And family to care for.
During last two years I tried to establish a life on both sides of reality. I've got deeper into art, I learned a lot of things I haven't knew, had helpled a bunch of people, developed good behaviour and overall, I just faced the truth as is, not denying that what happened - happened, and let myself to just move forward and keep tinkering what I was passionate about.
I do feel bad for how all this is going to end. But from the other side, maybe it's for the best. I'm having a hard, but overall good job now, I've got new friends, restored some of old connections. Met my friend from institute and we plan to try a thing and try out to make our friendship something a bit more than just a friendship.
And I have my parents and blood brother to have care for. They matter to me much more than all this shit happened in web, and so, the only reasonable way is to get myself a full go off internet. Because everyone deserve his own happiness, after all...
Wereknight signing off. It was a pleasure being a part of community. I wish you all good luck.
