BIG DICK NIGGA
this post is a lie about my bodily proportions
Major Arlene obsessed, 100% verified freakazoid. AKA bzzrak
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Post by BIG DICK NIGGA on Sept 30, 2020 13:45:31 GMT -5
Every single time I go to take a shit, it ends up taking me fucking millenia to wipe my ass without any poop remaining. My asshole is always shitty and no matter how much I wipe there always seems to be some left. It drives me insane because other than that I love taking shits, it almost feels orgasmic. I feel like I'm getting raw dogged by a muscular black guy to whom I'm just another manwhore that he'll use for a night only and idk I find that kinda hot. It fulfills some primal instinct and desire for humiliation deep within the lizard brain. Um, no homo. Anyway I've tried everything. I've started wiping sitting down (yeah I used to be a standing wiper), it helps a bit but not a lot. It's also quite inconvenient since I either have to lean only on one asscheek and my ass bone hurts later, or I have to do like a half-stand and my quads get a fucking workout from that shit. I mean I guess that ain't bad, but I have to take more frequent pauses between wipings. I've also tried shaving the nearest surroundings of my asshole hoping that the shit got caught on the hairs, but I think I have even MORE shit down there now. Not gonna lie tho my inner asscheeks are silky smooth now. It feels nice to run my hand down there sometimes. I even dampen bits of TP hoping to wash the shit away but believe it or not it somehow doesn't help. As a result of the above described struggle, my asshole is in smithereens right now. Not only have I not bought proper paper so I'm restricted to the cheapest shittiest recycled TP that they sell on my dorm's reception, but I also have to wipe for SO long that there's blood by the time I'm done. Might also be because I like the way putting my swiss knife's handle into my asshole feels, but I doubt it, it's pretty smooth by now. Used to be a lot worse. I've even had some weird goddamn bubble of some shit form down there and I had to pop it by squeezing it, it hurts a lot and idk why does that happen. Happened only twice yet tho. I'm desperate at this point. I don't know what to do. This post serves as a plea to the anal shit gods to ease my suffering and grant my asshole shit repellent powers.
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BIG DICK NIGGA
this post is a lie about my bodily proportions
Major Arlene obsessed, 100% verified freakazoid. AKA bzzrak
Posts: 2,295
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Post by BIG DICK NIGGA on Sept 30, 2020 13:49:17 GMT -5
Appendix: this post is a massive shitpost but the premise is based on a true story. It genuinely drives me crazy.
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40oz
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Post by 40oz on Sept 30, 2020 15:47:48 GMT -5
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Post by joe-ilya on Sept 30, 2020 16:07:23 GMT -5
From the title I thought this would be a suicide note.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 30, 2020 16:24:22 GMT -5
Everytime I take a fucking shit I sit there ferociously cleansing my ass and shit still hides there, I should start wiping my ass on a canvas and start selling it as it's like a fucking box of brown crayons have been rammed up my arse and I just wanna be clean but nah I gotta paint the Mona Lisa.
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Post by thundercunt on Sept 30, 2020 22:00:47 GMT -5
try shaving your anal hair
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 30, 2020 23:30:33 GMT -5
remember to eat your greens
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 1, 2020 1:15:10 GMT -5
Have you tried spreading your ass cheeks with your hands while the poop comes out? It was a game changer for me.
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BIG DICK NIGGA
this post is a lie about my bodily proportions
Major Arlene obsessed, 100% verified freakazoid. AKA bzzrak
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Post by BIG DICK NIGGA on Oct 1, 2020 2:29:28 GMT -5
MegaPancakeStrategist good point, I moved in recently and I still haven't bought too much food so this might help. @memfis with the hands??? I'll try that thundercunt you didn't even read the post did you? Although I can't blame you tbh
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Post by joe-ilya on Oct 1, 2020 2:50:38 GMT -5
The classic toilet goatse.
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Post by thundercunt on Oct 1, 2020 15:34:19 GMT -5
MegaPancakeStrategist good point, I moved in recently and I still haven't bought too much food so this might help. @memfis with the hands??? I'll try that thundercunt you didn't even read the post did you? Although I can't blame you tbh sorry, I only read the first sentence
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Lobo
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Post by Lobo on Oct 1, 2020 16:23:24 GMT -5
So after reading the OP I have just one question: When are you gonna come out of the closet?
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dn
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the motherfucking darknation
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Post by dn on Oct 1, 2020 18:06:02 GMT -5
blackpill: there is *always* some shit left. After wiping, after showering, after scraping that shit clean with a fish slice. After firing a fuckton of x-rays up your ass...
The shit - protons of shit - remain.
There will always be be an atom of shit in there. It is your ass. Dealing with said ass is part of being a dirty, shit-encrusted human being.
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BIG DICK NIGGA
this post is a lie about my bodily proportions
Major Arlene obsessed, 100% verified freakazoid. AKA bzzrak
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Post by BIG DICK NIGGA on Oct 2, 2020 5:44:18 GMT -5
Society moment
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Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2020 8:30:04 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Oct 8, 2020 6:55:58 GMT -5
Have you ever heard of bidets? They're great for getting around this problem. Most closed-minded western cunts seem to be pretty opposed to them because they have their weird pride wrapped up in cleaning their asshole by rubbing tree bark on it "as god intended" rather than having some water assist in the cleanup, but I got an el cheapo one and what would sometimes be an eternity-long struggle rife with pain and bloodshed is now a couple pleasant minutes tops. I use like 3 squares of TP to dab the wetness and bam, fresh as fuck.
This video starting from 2:40 makes me laugh my ass off:
It doesn't usually spill over the edges like that if you use it like a person who doesn't have severe brain damage. Twenty-one century people know what's up.
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BIG DICK NIGGA
this post is a lie about my bodily proportions
Major Arlene obsessed, 100% verified freakazoid. AKA bzzrak
Posts: 2,295
Member is Online
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Post by BIG DICK NIGGA on Oct 8, 2020 10:07:03 GMT -5
A bidet has been a dream of mine for years now. However I live in a dorm rn so tough luck.
Even my fucking toilet is of the so called German type, the one with a DRY FLAT SURFACE so your shit stinks a lot, until you flush it, which personally cold-shocks my massive gorilla sized balls. I live in a toilet hell.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 8, 2020 10:50:34 GMT -5
That's tragic, man. Just Googled "German toilet"... I couldn't cope!
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Post by Deleted on Oct 8, 2020 16:08:59 GMT -5
Better that than having water splashing at you every time your drop another turd.
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dmdr
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Post by dmdr on Oct 8, 2020 17:01:59 GMT -5
there is a middle way between germans and yanks and that's just to not fill the bowl so full of water. Works p well tbh (and you can still see your poos if you're from hitlerland and enjoy that sort of thing)
ANYWAY
Can confirm this works as well as advertised. The even better news is you can just use a milk crate or sturdy bucket or waste paper basket or whatever rather than spending money on a commercial product. You don't get that annoying "there's still a bit left" feeling either, it all just slides right out. mmm poos
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dmdr
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Post by dmdr on Oct 8, 2020 17:03:26 GMT -5
Actually I did a 'no wipe special' yesterday using this technique. I won't say that's typical but it did make my day
(double posting because I couldn't resist the urge to share this thrilling tale of adventure)
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Lobo
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Post by Lobo on Oct 8, 2020 17:13:46 GMT -5
dmdr That video wins the prize for best video I've seen all year. Still giggling.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 9, 2020 0:06:08 GMT -5
Better that than having water splashing at you every time your drop another turd. This aversion people have to a couple drops of water hitting the spot emitting stinky fucking feces will never make sense to me, but dmdr is right. Australian toilets are much like US ones but they just have a very small bit of water at the very bottom. The toilet is flooded for a brief moment when flushed and it takes everything down. No splashes and no "sitting right above a hot steaming stinking fucking turd for 10 minutes". Best of both worlds!
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BIG DICK NIGGA
this post is a lie about my bodily proportions
Major Arlene obsessed, 100% verified freakazoid. AKA bzzrak
Posts: 2,295
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Post by BIG DICK NIGGA on Oct 12, 2020 10:49:40 GMT -5
Can confirm this works as well as advertised Didn't have any suitable replacement so I just put my toes on the base of the toilet. The delivery process was surprisingly indeed as painless as advertised, but the damage control was maybe a little less tricky than usual*. I'll try finding something big to give it a proper chance.
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40oz
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Post by 40oz on Oct 12, 2020 11:26:51 GMT -5
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