Random

I feel like I am trapped in a loophole of sort. NOTE: I DON'T SUFFER FROM DEPRESSION OR SIMILAR SHIT, NOR DID I HAD ANY SUICIDAL THOUGHTS OR CRAIPS LIKE THAT JUST READ AHEAD ThANK YOU.

I mean, so far I had disturbingly similar three Mondays. Go to the city from the countryside via bus, get to the apartment, take a shit, lollygag for 10 minutes, put on my earphones, listening to synthwave. There is a umbrella in my hand due to a promise of a rain. And so I went.

I got, of course, 10 minutes earlier, and just lollygagged with some of my colleagues until the teacher came.

I try to focus at class, but ultimately get distracted as these people from another group (that I happen to be close to) wanna draw shit and compare drawings. Again, I get a prompt from the same long haired guy, and I drew Hades... as a anime schoolgirl in a sailor uniform. With the dual pitchforky thingy (trident missing the central piece), and a badly drawn Cerberus pupper. This girl who is kinda strangely well talented to draw animals (and only animals) takes my drawing, and fixes up Cerberus. It was kinda fun. Fun things come to a end, I didn't listen to the class really (I did know what was the topic about and I got the clues I needed to progress further tho).

So, lunch time, I go with this same fucking guy to pick up his smol girlfriend, and then we have lunch, I talk about my weekend, then the smol gf complains about some college business. Same fucking guy, of course, is kinda distracted. Lunch time over, we drive the smol gf home, and we drive back to college.

Then we go to the library, and of course, he studies physics while I dick around and just copy whatever he writes (I learned this stuff in high school, I just need to remind myself). Another class comes up, this professor theorises shit again, and then we split, and I go home.

Rain, of course, didn't fall. I take a hike and get myself yogurt and bananas. I get home, see grandma and brother's waif talking about something, I fuck off into my room, and for dinner I had cheese and eggs.

THREE MONDAYS LIKE THIS!

I feel like I am stuck in a Endless Eight episode. There are only but small variations to these Mondays. Say, stuff like: smol gf suffers from a diffrent but kinda same issue every Monday due to college work, same fucking guy is bored out of his mind, and when I draw with the guys at Programming (the morning class) I had another prompt: last week it was... diffrent. I knew I had drawn a samurai villain though, was awesome. Still, its pretty much the fucking same, and its the variations that kept everyone blind to this I presume.

Tomorrow is Tuesday. Tomorrow, some change will happen, but this change won't be enough. I have a seminar in the early morning, but that is all that will be different. I can safely bet that tomorrow, the dude who does the Programming exercises will be late again, I will sit next to the big german cross-eyed dude again (even though we can sit whenever we want), and I will have to listen to some engrish at the English class tomorrow.

This sucks dong.

Every day in so far was the same. I know it. Fuck. I want something new! Argh! I was pissed off whole day because I realized it. Always the same shit! And it is because of this guy! Yeah! I need to expand my horizons, this repetitivness will drive me nuts eventually. I cannot just do the same thing over and over until the exams and not go nuts. Urgh. Its always the small details that make loopholes like these unnoticeable, but once you realize you have lived through a week multiple times already it gets... agitating.

I don't feel sad or depressed about this though. On a cosmical scale of things this is just yadda yadda yadda. I am sure you are tired of the same pep talk coming from people stuck in a loop. I will bust through this, I just have too... have too... reconsider my schedual! I have to somehow... have a opposite day. Yeah. I have to fight this phenomenom. Wasn't I who I was, I would say fightning was worthless, but I know that is far from the truth as is the night from the day!

So, I am still in a planning phase for this. One of the possibilites I am reconsidering now is... to skip a class. I don't like the sound of that, but I have to think of a way to distance myself from the same fucking guy and his smol gf and stop being a third wheel. I have to budge myself somehow. I must take over the helm. I am going to win, and I will win!

I have to... think... do you guys have a idea? I don't want to fight with the authority or something, but I need something major that will turn the focus of these days. I am thinking, we are going to have exams in two weeks or something. Maybe if I fuck off to home as soon as possible, and just study? I know I need to focus and study, but I cannot really think about studying when I keep hanging around with the same fucking guy and the older students who just keep spelling doom to me. I need to sit down and do my shit. Without him near me.

I know that was the ending to the Endless Eight. And I am seriously considering that being the ending of my own arc here as well

Either way, I am tired of this loop. Just... hate this "good monotony" as the SFG (same fucking guy) says. I know I know, when people wish for a change, it usually goes for the worse. I watched enough shows and read enough books to see that trope from afar. But here is a challenge to that certain trope: What is worse, being stuck in the same cycle of events for prolonged periods of time, or get fucked by something random? Either way... tips?

That would be all.

It's that late time, again,
Dark and black, not sure when,
No other choice, let's do it then.

It's so late, want to sleep?
Too damn bad, in again I creep,
Your horrors, a Poison I seep.

You are bad, you are a villain,
Why'd you do it, what'd you gain?
Did you simply plan to cause pain?

I hear that, your tired scream,
What, did you want to dream?
You didn't expect this, it would seem.

Ha, that is quite the turn,
Calm to crazy, your storm I churn,
Maybe now you will learn!

Not thinking straight? Head in a cloud?
You're quite the mess and I'm quite proud,
For in that chaos, your past I unshroud.

You see it now, what you've done,
Your sins against them, every one,
You see it now, and hope is gone.

I'm always within you, that self doubt,
You want me out, you scream you shout!
But do remember, you cannot be without!

You understand now, you'll suffer alone,
This is your fate, how you will atone,
A demon in your head, taunting upon his throne.

You deserve this, you monster, you beast!
Your self harm, it's my favourite feast,
And with each bite, I rise like yeast.

You still weep and you still cry,
God won't save you, he'll let you die!
But you're ready to end it, I can see why.

You call me monster? But I'm you!
This hatred, this anger, all yours too,
You hate yourself, admit it's true!

You're your biggest foe, the true enemy,
Now you get it, now you see!
Your path is clear, first time in history.

Come on, place the gun, count to three,
finally destroy us, you and me,
Unburden the world, how better it shall be.

Claw, scratch but I'm deep in your head!
Precious freedom comes only when your dead!
Now please, do listen to all I've said...