dn
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the motherfucking darknation
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Post by dn on Aug 1, 2017 6:04:53 GMT -5
In which I recount the tale of the Dwarves of Kulet Or - The Abbey of Drink.
For some reason their sigil features one thousand anchovies swimming in a sea of yellow. I chose to interpret this as auspicious, because anchovies are fucking awesome. Is the yellow piss? Who knows!
Things have turned to fucking shit already. I equipped my fearless seven with two pickaxes, a copper battleaxe, what I assumed would be enough plump helmet mushroom seeds, and over 400 casks of dwarven ale. Miney and Shafty are the designated miners; Woody is the dwarf carpenter. Drunky is the brewmeister and Goatfucker is the designated farmer, who will grow the mushrooms that Drunky will turn into yet still further ale.
Or would have done, if you could make beer out of mushrooms. Apparently that's a loophole that was closed in the latest version of the game.
The plan was simple; strike the earth and fuck the dwarves. Setting up temporary accommodation for the little fuckers is a pain in the ass - better to wait and let them move into their fully furnished hovels as and when I am good and ready to let them do so. Hence loading the wagon with all the Ale in the world; I figured that, although they were sleeping rough in ditches, they would be too drunk to give much of a shit.
It seemed to be working; peering into their limited brains revealed thoughts of pure euphoria brought about by inebriation. Nevermind that they had spent the past six months sleeping in the ditch next to the wagon; the wagon was where the booze is, so that makes sense.
My miners, meanwhile, tunneled deep into the earth.
Too deep. Too soon.
I wanted to leave a layer of unmolested rock inbetween each level of my fortress, either for plumbing water for sanitation or plumbing molten lava for sanitation. Either or; if I could get a cistern running with fucking magma then that would make the most awesome dwarven shitter ever. Alas, then, that this caused my intrepid miners to hit the underground caverns too soon, and a horde of fucking troglodites spilled forth.
The Abbey of Drink was fucked from that point onwards.
The bottom half of the Abbey is now a no-go area; fortunately, I installed a few doors upstairs prior to the fucking troglodite invasion, and the little prehistoric cunts haven't quite figured out the mysteries of door handles yet. Alas, then, that the actual living quarters are on the bottom floor of the abbey. The awesome living quarters. With the smoothed stone bedrooms, the fucking kitchen, the fucking BREWERY.
Oh. And the beds. Dwarves GTFO, the fucking troglodites have moved in.
Upstairs, things go from bad to worse. Arguments are breaking out amongst the dwarves because, you know, they are drunk as fuck, it's been six months since they've seen either a table or a chair and there are asshole cavemen sleeping in their bunks. Oh, and they've been eating nothing but raw mushrooms since spring, because I'm fucked if I'm going to waste all those fucking plump helmets.
And then, suddenly, Capybaras. Those giant, gentle guinea pigs of the Serengeti plains.
Who are apparently dwarf mincing machines.
Stoney the mason was the first to feel the rabid teeth of the Capybara plunge into her throat. She bled out in moments, conveniently right in front of Goatfucker who promptly lost his shit entirely. I laughed in disbelief when the death notice came in; slain by a what? What sort of fucking freak accident is this shit?
I zoomed to the corpse just in time to watch Woody and a new migrant approach the scene of the 'accident'; dwarves can't keep away from dead bodies, they fucking see a dead-man's clothes going begging and they go fucking mental for socks.
I watched the capybara rip the migrant's fucking face off before turning to savage Woody the woodsman / carpenter.
They killed each other. Woody chopped the fucking thing with his axe, the capy ripped Woody's arm wide open and the two are in a race to see who can bleed to death the quickest.
This fucking thing killed THREE DWARVES. The other dwarves are so fucking shit scared of the fucking thing that they have given it a deed name like some fucking horror out of a viking saga. Quail, brief mortals, before before the wrath of Numor, the fucking capabara from hell.
And there, on the other side of the river, are a bunch of brown c icons staring down at my defenseless, drunken dwarves.
Capybaras move in herds.
And downstairs, back in the fortress, I have just noticed a large T skulking around the caverns...
Lord of the Rings style, the troglodites... they have a cave troll.
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dn
Body Count: 02
the motherfucking darknation
Posts: 1,711
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Post by dn on Aug 18, 2017 6:37:18 GMT -5
Take 2: The Digested Masonry Started a new fortress. I have provided helpful annotations for those who can't read the matrix. I have set the fortress up on the cusp of two biomes; on the left-hand side of the screen is the 'Good' Biome, ie; the Biome that isn't actively trying to kill me. Shit grows here; plants are green, not that we are going to be harvesting any of them, because of fucking UNDEAD GIANT HAMSTERS / ECHIDNAS / FUCKIN' COUGARS. These come from the right-hand biome, which is EVIL AS FUCK. Of particular note is the DEATH CHASM. 5 urists deep with a rocky stream at the bottom of it. Undead will strike at dwarfs. Dwarfs will dodge. Dwarfs will dodge straight into the DEATH CHASM and dash themselves to pieces on the rocks. It happens every time, it is known, Khalessi. So the entire surface is a fuckin' write off. Even if I wasn't worried about the occasional rains of Dwarf Blood that some falling down from the sky thanks to the Evil Habitat. And I am *very* worried about that. If it does something horrible like rain acid, then dwarfs will die. And if they die on the evil side of the map then they don't *stay* dead. So, the dwarfs are confined to quarters. The fucking front door is locked. The catflap is NAILED FUCKING SHUT, because I brought a cat along with me on embark, and I don't want it spontaneously turning undead and eating my legendary mason's face off. This is where the little fuckers will be staying for the foreseeable future - there is an aquifer 7 urists beneath embark that I need to somehow punch through before I can get to the stone layers. The dwarfs are currently living in mud. It is a Mud Fortress. That is some fucking weird-ass purple wood, by the way. I have never seen wood like that before. It only grows on the evil side of the map. I probably shouldn't have made beds out of it. Anyway, immediate goals; 1) get through aquifer, probably by collapsing a good 70% of the map into it and digging through the rubble. 2) Get farm up and running. 3) Make mugs for trade. Like, hundreds of mugs. Hope you like mugs, bitches, because shitstone mugs are going to be our sole export good. 4) Don't turn into a zombie. This fucking thing was what finally convinced me to GTFO the surface. Fucking cougars are bad enough, but fucking zombie cougars... Oh, we have dwarfs. Like, an excess of the little fuckers. As is tradition with these things, you may request a dwarf and I will name him after you, informing you of any heroics / his untimely demise.
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dn
Body Count: 02
the motherfucking darknation
Posts: 1,711
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Post by dn on Aug 18, 2017 22:05:51 GMT -5
Just found some underground caverns whilst digging a central stairway, about 50 urists below sea level. It's a fuckin' slaughter house down there. No idea how it started, but one zombie must have gotten in down there and quickly became two zombies, then four zombies, then a hundred zombies. There are no fewer than 50 active undead down there, everything from fucking Gorlaks to Helmet Snakes to fucking Giant Cave Swallows. There are over 200 registered casualties that will probably be coming back to life at some point. Oh yeah, flying zombie shitehawks. One came barreling up the central stairway as a kinda 'welcome to the fucking caverns, bitch' welcome party. Thing totally fucked up my legendary carpenter before I could bring my military round to wreck face. Carpenter is in the hospital right now. The doctor, in an amazing display of priorities, diagnosed him as 'bleeding to death' then promptly left him on the table and fucked off for a snooze. Carpenter's big toe is currently festering on top of the garbage heap. Bricks are being shat, I have no idea on how to deal with this. Will post some screenies tomorrow, need to go for a lie down myself. The fucking stress of this game is actually killing me.
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dn
Body Count: 02
the motherfucking darknation
Posts: 1,711
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Post by dn on Aug 18, 2017 23:04:36 GMT -5
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40oz
diRTbAg
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Post by 40oz on Aug 19, 2017 8:26:51 GMT -5
Holy lord
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dn
Body Count: 02
the motherfucking darknation
Posts: 1,711
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Post by dn on Aug 19, 2017 9:06:01 GMT -5
I write now of the final day. Our beachhead was a massacre. I set up a temporary staging ground for our brave dwarf militia by the cavern entrance, moved supplies of food and armour (and even beds, because I knew this would take a while); what had saved us before was the fact that we breached the zombie cavern through the roof, which meant that only flying fuckers could assault us. We could have plugged the hole and dug around them. We should have, but I was worried about my framerate dropping to near unplayable because of a fucking 200 strong zombie horde all trying to pathfind their way into my fort. Plan B, conceived during in a total panic during the Beachyhead Massacre, was to breach the aquifer and flood the caverns, drowning the horde once and for all. Never happened, because my miners were amongst the first to die, and I'm pretty sure zombies are drowning resistant. The massacre itself; My brave militia fucked it all up and all decided that they would rather pray than be the first down the hastily constructed wooden staircase, meaning that the civvies doing the building labour got ripped into pieces. Then I discovered the sheer folly of building a central spiral staircase straight down the middle of my fort; conducting a running battle across more than 50 z-levels turned out to be fucking impossible. I'll admit this one made me wince. At least the fortress died before I had to contend with zombie baby reanimating, if there was enough of her left to fucking reanimate. The battle was short, but it crippled my fortress. The militia mostly survived, mainly because they didn't do much other than pray and eat and refuse to fucking charge into the breach. Three of the starting 7 also came out intact, I assume because I had armed them for combat on embark; there really needs to be an option to arm your dwarfs as standard, rather than having to draft them into temporary military squads. Woody, legendary carpenter and survivor of the first giant cave swallow attack, minus his foot, went down under a storm of zombies, a crutch in one hand and his wood ax in the other. In the end, the score was roughly Zombies; 15, Dwarfs; 30 before I called it a day, abandoning fort to try and save as many dwarf lives as I could. It looked salvageable, granted, but the hospital had run out of beds at that point and if a zombie troll walked into a room where half my valuable dwarfs were lying unconscious then... well, the massacre in there would make Beachyhead look like a fucking picnic. Hopefully some of them made it out and I will receive them as migrants for my next Fortress. Not the zombie ones, though. I don't want them. R.I.P Fort. You sucked so I could learn some valuable lessons about not using central staircases. Plans are already afoot for integrating speedbumps / kill zones into my next fortress. /me plays the bagpipes, sadly.
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dn
Body Count: 02
the motherfucking darknation
Posts: 1,711
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Post by dn on Aug 19, 2017 11:52:53 GMT -5
After-action reportSo I'm going through legends mode to see who the heroes and villains are of my last game. This bit is pretty cool, piecing together exactly who was killing who whilst I was trying desperately to order my defense. HEROES + First, massive props to 'Bitey' Girderlance, who totally lived up to his name. He first came to my attention when, as new recruit to the militia, he immediately gathered his new colleagues and promptly organized a Biting Demonstration. He was nicknamed accordingly. Turns out this fucking dwarf was the only thing standing between the fortress and complete obliteration. He single-handedly killed 16 (!) undead zombie bastards, including two of his former friends and allies and he lived to tell the tale. Bitey still wanders the world with his massive steel spear, moving from place to place like the Ronin of old and biting fuck out of the wildlife wherever he goes. + 'Weed' was the nickname I gave to my gentle farmer cum brewer, the dwarf responsible for making sure the dwarfs were suitably... lubricated. He also apparently liked battle axes. As in, he *really* liked battle axes, so much so that he stole into the weapons depot and helped himself to the biggest fucking axe he could find without me even noticing. Weed killed *two* legendary zombie bastards with the axe. One of them was a fucking cave troll. This is more than half my militia managed to achieve, and they spent three years in training, so Weed confirmed for being OP. He also survived the fall of the fortress, because nothing fucks with this dwarf. + 'Dodger' was a hunter who arrived during my final migrant wave. I immediately disarmed him because there was no fucking way I was letting him go up to the surface with his crossbow; he'd hunt a rabbit. shoot the rabbit, bring the rabbit back into the fortress to skin and cook it and then get his face bitten off when the dead rabbit reanimated in his hands halfway to the stockpot. So I gave him a bronze shortsword, chucked him into the militia and thought the zombies might be slowed down enough from eating him that the other, more professional, soldiers might get a couple of easy kills. 'Dodger' killed 9 zombies with a shit-tier sword before the retreat was sounded. He was the hero we needed, not the one we deserved. + HOLY FUCK Jut noticed that Dodger and some random mook called Erush were the parents of my fortress' third child, Ingiz. He has obviously inherited her father's sheer badassery. Ingiz is one year old and a bit. He has two kills to his name - one zombie gorlak, and one zombie dwarf (doesn't say who the poor dorf was). This fucking child psychopath must have been running through the battle, putting down wounded zombies whilst screaming something about the Kwisatz Haderach. Fucking hardcore, man. Fucking hardcore. The mother, Erush, has a kill under her name as well, and she wasn't even fucking armed. FAILURES'Slicey' Manorslid was my militia commander - then promoted to Baron - and one of the original seven. She was the one who spent the entire fucking zombie invasion hiding in the temple with her squad doing precisely fuck all. The dead echidna on embark? That was her doing. And that was the only thing she killed for the entire lifespan of the fortress. A fucking waste of magma. + 'Chips' Doorear was one of my engravers. She was killed, and rose again as a zombie. Then she was killed again. And again. Three times some poor bastard had to put the fucker down, only for her to rise up again and continue the assault. She is still humping around down there in the dark, an eternal limbless torso waiting for someone to step on her so she can bite their feet off. + 'Doc', my chief medical dwarf, who sewed more dwarfs back together than I can count. She also bravely stemmed the tide of undeath by heroically chucking both of her children into the onslaught (ages 2 and six months, respectively). Her husband got eaten as well, so she's single again, boys.
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deathevokation
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Post by deathevokation on Aug 19, 2017 14:07:17 GMT -5
Jesus Christ, there's some good writing in here, I need to set a night aside with some coffee to read this. haha
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dn
Body Count: 02
the motherfucking darknation
Posts: 1,711
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Post by dn on Aug 19, 2017 16:42:19 GMT -5
Honestly, it practically writes itself. This game is fucking incredible. All I do is add swearing.
I just started a new embark and I am raring to go again, but I don't want to fucking spam this thread anymore because it's starting to look like I am a lifeless hack who does nothing other than play dwarf fortress, which has been kinda true this month.
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dn
Body Count: 02
the motherfucking darknation
Posts: 1,711
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Post by dn on Aug 19, 2017 18:18:24 GMT -5
UVARODDOM: LULLCLOISTEREDFuck it, let's go round again. I'm sorry for spamming this shit, but I need to get it down as it happens or I'll fucking forget half of it. This time, I'll speak more about the technical aspects of the game, as well as the zany homicidal antics of the dwarves themselves. We are setting up another fort in the same world as our last complete disaster; seven more dwarves have, uh, "volunteered" their services. We have set up a little too close to a goblin civilization for my liking, but I doubt they'll move to lay siege to us until We've actually made enough money / goods to make it worth their while. We have also selected a site that has metal and isn't intrinsically evil, so the zombie problem should be minimal. + A note on the world in which we live; it's a pocket world, small as these things go. Dwarf Fortress can generate planets up to eight times bigger than this one; problem is that, as much as I would love to do it, my computer couldn't handle it and would choke on the background calculations early on. Those other civilizations? They move, they do shit, they war against each other and yourself. The simulation keeps track of populations, of named characters as they move from place to place... Goblins steal children, and those children grow up on the Goblin site; twenty years later, they may send an army of beakdogs led by your own stolen generation against you, father v.s son. DARK SHIT YO. So. by necessity. we need to keep things on the down low. Interesting shit should still happen; in fact, with the lower world population, it actually gets more personal as the AI moves dwarves you previously knew and loved about the world on their business. And the zombies. Those fucking things will probably show up again as well. But *this* time we're fighting in a non-evil biome, so once the fuckers are dead, they should stay dead. + Other stuff about the embark; I have named the seven dwarves to keep track of who is who in the fortress and what jobs they should be doing; Shaft and Pick should be mining, Woody II is named after the tragic figure of Woody the First, one-legged carpenter of our previous fortress. The dwarf named darknation died of a zombie to the face the last time round, so not cursing anyone else with that name for the time being. Again, if anyone wants a dwarf, just ask. Our fort is going to be using the smallest embark-footprint we can. Again, save the frames; this means we'll be building a mostly vertical fortress, one layer on top of another, all the way down until we hit molten rock / zombies / the Hidden Fun Stuff. Suffice to say that, as every geologist knows, the core of the planet is comprised entirely of magma, screaming death demons, the legions of hell and Cthulhu himself. So digging into that is probably a bad idea. *This* time round, however, we will NOT be using a single central stairwell that zombies can use a fucking high speed superhighway to the all-you-can-eat dwarven buffet. No, this time we will ZIG-ZAG. Here, have a cross section of the fortress. Using this INGENIOUS AND CANNOT FAIL schematic, we will force invaders to walk through rooms filled with MECHANICAL DWARVEN DEATH MACHINES before they can chew upon our delicious gooey center. And so, with this as our plan, we embark. Strike the Earth! + Aaaaand immediately we are fucked. Another fucking ravine with a river at the bottom of it. It might even be the same river. Only this time, because DF does nothing twice without making the second time exponentially more HILARIOUS, we have fucking Alligators swimming at the bottom of the cliff this time. It's that bit out of Indiana Jones. You know, where everyone gets eaten. By Alligators. After falling off the cliff. We really don't have much room to move here. But the plan is still a good one; once we tunnel underneath the river, we will have much more space to play with. /darknation digs like a motherfucker, because he has just spotted the EVIL CAPYBARA HERD HOVING INTO VIEW ON THE HORIZON...
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dn
Body Count: 02
the motherfucking darknation
Posts: 1,711
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Post by dn on Aug 20, 2017 10:40:43 GMT -5
UVARODDOM: LULLCLOISTERED PART 2Did you know that if you retroactively designate a thread as a 'Blog', you can post in it as many times as you want and never be accused of spamming? Behold, the view from the top of the world. Beautiful, no? Two things of note; - first, the evil herd of capybara rampaging through the wilderness. Do not be fooled by their meek looks and guinea pig-ish playfulness - these fuckers are the Rodents from Hell and will actively fuck up any dwarf who happens to stray past them. Second, the flight of the lungfish, soaring through the sky 12 urists above sea level. And 10'000 urists away from the sea. Now, I did check this. IRL, lungfish can't fly. They *can* move over land and sea, but the power of flight is not mentioned on the wikipedia page. I assume they are bugged and have the bird tag active on them for some reason. Nevertheless, they might be the only creature capable of traversing water, earth, and air, and as such I am paying them a weary kind of respect for now. + Inside we have the first spire descending into the bowels of the earth. Upstairs, downstairs, mincing machines in the middle, reverse order per floor, repeat all the way down. Now, the problem with this design, as opposed to the central stairwell I used the last time, is the dwarves are having to walk *a lot* further to reach their destination. With the central stair, the dwarves were seldom more than 50 - 70 urists away from any other part of the fortress. It takes just as many steps to move vertically as it does horizontally in dwarf fortress. And we have added about 10 more steps PER FLOOR for the workers to traverse. The added security provided by a series of 17 bronze hammers attached to a repeating bludgeoning mechanism should make it all worthwhile, however. I'm building the hospital over the river, which should provide more then adequate opportunities for my dwarves to have a drowning accident or two during construction. Why? Because we need a well for fresh water. The well will be in the hospital, for ease of washing patients / providing them with shit to drink whilst they recuperate from whatever hellish injuries the capybara inflict upon them. This does mean that there will be a fucking hole in the middle of the fort leading directly to the river, however. And that river has alligators in it. I don't think alligators can climb, so we should be safe enough. Then again, I didn't think Lungfish could fly, and I am being proved completely wrong about that. I will give the doctor on duty a really big fucking axe, just in case. + For trade, we already have Mugz McMugmaker making shitstone mugs to sell to the caravans that pass through. This serves two purposes; we give them mugs, they give us steel, and food, and booze, and socks. It also serves to clean up the fortress of useless stone, making the place look like less of a fucking Syrian bombsite of rubble and improving the framerate to boot. Once those stone mugs move off the map they are NMFP (not my fucking problem). This does mean that the world is being slowly flooded with shit mugs. Fortunately for us, the economy, and the laws of supply and demand (at year 5, I estimate there will be more mugs in the world than there are people...) have not been simulated yet, although it *is* coming at some point. Diversifying trade goods... /me shudders + Things are afoot in the world abroad. Our first migrant wave contained a trio of very welcome faces. Yes, that's right, it's *DODGER!* the second-greatest hero of the zombie debacle that was our previous home. He rolled through the door with his wife and psychotic child behind him, put up his legendary bronze sword and is ready once again to wreck fucking face. That child of his worries me, however. Alas, then, that for every triumph there is a tragedy. Shaft, the sole surviving miner from Fort Zombie, also arrived as part of the refugee flood. He was beyond my ability to save, however. His wounds were too much and the fucking hospital isn't built yet. Also, we have 0 wells, 3 alligators, 0 buckets and 0 ways to bring the poor bastard water. We don't even have thread to stitch him back together again. A shame, because he was a legendary miner; he carved through rock like butter, though how efficient he would have been at mining with only one leg, well... we'll never know now. R.I.P Big Man. + Another face has made itself known to us. Our diplomatic liaison arrived and dropped something of a bombshell on me; Holy. Fucking. Shitnipples. That's right, our former doctor, (she who managed to drop a baby on the breast right into the path of the zombie horde, she whose other toddler and husband were ripped to pieces by the undead) is *BACK* and, because incompetence is rewarded, she has raised her own AI dwarf squad and is in active competition with us. And, yes, she's going back to Fort Zombie. She plans to reclaim it in the name of, and for the honour of, the great Dwarven Civilization. Maybe she's looking for her children and husband, only one of whom was ever reported as dead. We know better, however. Or maybe she is motivated purely by revenge. Maybe the mad bitch is just a mad bitch. Who knows! Fucking cunt better not step on our mug monopoly. The mugs are ours, we will go to the mattresses over that shit.
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40oz
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Post by 40oz on Aug 20, 2017 12:36:38 GMT -5
Ive never played df before because I'm afraid I'd get too hooked and not find enough time in a day to enjoy it. But god damn, your enthusiasm for this game is hella contagious. I feel like I'm watching a south park episode. I love it!!
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dn
Body Count: 02
the motherfucking darknation
Posts: 1,711
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Post by dn on Aug 20, 2017 18:37:11 GMT -5
The learning curve is steep and the UI actively hates you. Still, if you can handle it, there is no other game out there that even comes close. UVARODDOM: LULLCLOISTERED PART 3The Fortress continues to grow at a steady rate. Summer is here, the birds are singing, the Lungfish are nesting in the trees and the countryside is littered with the gently steaming corpses of the verminous capybara. There has been *one* worrying development; I never noticed at first, but any mud I uncover is soon colonized by various underground cavern fungus. Nothing surprising about that, really, except... I haven't uncorked the fucking caverns yet. They should still be sealed, so no spores should be leaking out. It’s a closed fucking environment. Turns out, after a quick gander at the wiki, that the cavern system *has* been breached... hold on, more fucking killbaras have just appeared even as I type this. Fucking hell. Ah, where was I? Right, cavern breach. Turns out these are some really, really monstrously huge interconnected caverns; in fact, the cavern system beneath this site must be connected to the one underneath Fort Zombie, as evidenced by the leaking cave spores. This is bad news, because that place is fucking infested. So we may well not be as finished with zombies as I thought we were. Also my traps are taking an age to produce; we simply don't have enough wood to turn into charcoal to smelt the Hematite to make the iron to make the stabbing implements to attach to the machines to chop the Crundles into smaller Crundle chunks. We are in desperate need of wood; we're producing a mug / sword ratio of 200 to 1. Here's hoping the caravan gets here with my requested supplies. + SUDDENLY CAPYBARAS I have no idea what happened here. Actually, I do; - fucking capybaras happened. My trapper - a key, nay, VITAL component of traps and trapping – was outside because he had an axe and I needed wood, bugger what the lungfish thought. And so he went to deforest what meager trees remained when a giant kill-crazy rabid rodent ambushed him. He jumped away from the capy, cunningly diving headfirst into the one place even the insane capybara would not follow; ladies and gentlemen, I give you THE DEATH CHASM. It’s a loooong way down. The only actual eye witness to the attack was my legendary wrestler, “Randy Savage”, who had apparently never seen blood before and was therefore too busy throwing up everywhere to be of any assistance or use whatsoever. You are FUCKED, my son. And I would have let him go as well, because I assumed that fucker was dead meat. It’s a fast river and he’s barely conscious, any rescue attempt would doubtless endanger more dwarfs and… Then my book-keeper descended from the sky like fucking spiderman. I don’t have any screens of it, but this fucker… who can’t count worth a shit by the way, he’s the worst book-keeper ever, all my stock sheets mean fuck all because they are so fucking inaccurate… anyway, this MAD BASTARD actually climbed down the cliff in an attempt to pull Urist McTrapper out of there. So now there are two dwarves down there in the raging rapids, one bleeding out, the other just insanely, heroically, legendarily stupid. I resolved to save them. I think Spiderman reminded me that #dwarflivesmatterSpeed miner to the rescue. I can’t tunnel any lower to the river than this because I will flood the fucking fort. Even this is dodgy as fuck because I’m risking (a) my miner, who is actually one of the most important dwarves in the fortress, and (b) I haven’t forgotten that there are fucking alligators down there. It worked. Miner reached down and pulled him out. Spiderman fucked off to wherever Spidermen fuck off to (in this case, his book-keeping office). Now, this looks like a happy ending. It isn’t; - we have a hospital, but we don’t have a fucking doctor. My chief medical dwarf moonlights as a carpenter. Trappy has survived the fall and he has survived the river. Now he has to survive his fucking woodwork teacher performing major invasive surgery on him. Our prayers go with him. God speed, Trappy.
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dn
Body Count: 02
the motherfucking darknation
Posts: 1,711
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Post by dn on Aug 21, 2017 0:02:32 GMT -5
Randy Savage continues to suck. He sucks so bad that my dwarves have started erecting statues mocking him for sucking.
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dn
Body Count: 02
the motherfucking darknation
Posts: 1,711
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Post by dn on Aug 21, 2017 17:40:49 GMT -5
UVARODDOM: LULLCLOISTERED PART 4I thought today was going to be mostly housekeeping. For anyone who thought I was jesting about Spiderman’s bookkeeping abilities, just take a look at this shit on my stocks page. We might have 2000 plant stores, we might have 6 plant stores. Nobody knows, especially not Spiderman! Good to see he’s taken interest in the POWDER supplies, tho, whatever the fuck they are. That shit is locked up tight and counted down to the last granule. + Promotions! The mountain home came calling, wanting to make Lullcloistered an official dwarven outpost. As opposed to the barely-registered mudhole it had been previously. This means raising a dwarf to become Baron of Uvaroddom; - in light of his sterling service, his recognized bad-assery, and the fact that I didn’t really think the consequences through, I nominated DODGER, 2nd best hero of Fort Zombie and leader of the newly minted Rape Squad. I will come to regret this decision in the very near future. + Elves! Baron Von Dodger’s first diplomatic session did not end well. The dirty hippy fuckers are getting uppity about me cutting down every single tree in a 500 urist radius of the fort. Because the wood situation is now completely dire, the furnaces are cold and the Hematite lies unsmelted for want of fuel. The elves, dropping by for their yearly uptake of shitstone mugs, have decided to place an edict of No Tree Cutting upon me. This includes the giant mushrooms down in the caverns, apparently. And probably most plants that look a bit tree-ish. To refuse them means war. They will return next spring for an answer. Appeasement means only further restrictions come the following year. We will not have our economy strangled by the backwards tree-worshiping ethics of a bunch of unclean savages. War looks inevitable. + Interior redecoration! The ‘murder-room-in-between-every-staircase’plan has failed, for two reasons. First, it was simply adding too many miles to the fortress’ floorplan, and wearing out the soles on my poor dwarves’ shoes. We rely upon the elves for our clothing requirements; *Real* Dwarves spend their days making steel, not fucking about shaving goats and making mastercrafted goat wool socks. Alas, then, that soon all the elves will be stabbed to death, for reasons completely beyond my control. Shoes will shortly be at a premium. Wasting boot leather now is short-sighted in the extreme. Second, there is the trap situation. Now, I previously never bothered with traps; most critters can be seen off by the generous application of steel and sharpened bronze provided by my military. My recent exploits with zombies have challenged that perception somewhat. So, I made plans to throw the entire weight of my metal industry solely into the production of traps and trap components. It was a long, hard road, beset by critical wood shortages, unsuitable mineral wealth, (fucking copper and cobalt, man, with a smattering of hematite on embark. WHERE’S MY FUCKING TIN FOR MAKING BRONZE YOU FUCKING SADIST TROLL ENGINE?) but, finally, after leveling the mountain in search of iron, we had everything we needed. By my estimate we have made over 200 sword blades. 10%, the really good stuff, is kept back for the military. The rest are going into spinning blade death traps. I had never made these before, and wasn’t quite sure what to expect. What I *wasn’t* expecting was the screen blinking lustrously at me, asking me how many swords (1 to 10) that I wanted to use for each individual trap. Oy vey. Now, one sword per trap would be sensible. I have hundreds of stone mechanisms, I could make 180 of the fucking things, spread the traps out over a wider area, ensure that every route is covered. Better to wound EVERYTHING and let them bleed out as they climb the never-ending staircases of my fortress. But fuck that. 10 swords per trap. I want to see the explosion something makes when ten short-swords hit it simultaneously. I want my dwarves scraping that shit off the walls for the next decade. And so, 18 EXTERMINATUS grade murder-mincers have been placed in the corridors of my fortress. Dwarves have been told to STAY THE FUCK AWAY from them. Anyway, the point is, I don’t have enough traps to fill every planned kill zone. So compromises have been made, re; central stairwells. We now have two, alternating every 5 z-levels, with a mincer in the middle as per the original plan.. + Baron Von Dodger has banned the export of goblets and shitstone mugs. Because FUCK YOU, that’s why. This is a complete catastrophe for the economy. We actually have nothing else to sell and the supply caravan (population: CHARCOAL and WOOD) is due in a month. Normally, I’d just say suck it, Baron, and sell them anyway. But every time the law against trading in precious, illicit shitstone is broken, the Baron will get incrementally more angry. And I have over 18’000 urists worth of mugs sitting in the stockpile, gathering dust. I can’t tell you exactly how many mugs we have, because *Spiderman*, but if I just sold them anyway and to hell with the consequences the Baron would go fucking MENTAL. Tantrumming dwarves are bad news. I’ve seen mothers pluck their own babies from the breast and beat another dwarf to death with it, then go *even more fucking mental* when their child accidentally breaks on the other guy’s skull. And Dodger is… well, he’s put on some muscle since the last time we saw him. I have been working him hard in the training rooms and he is a fucking BEAST of a dwarf. Worse, he has ditched his bronze sword and equipped himself with a superior quality steel blade, armoured himself in the best quality plate we had and… Well, if he looses his temper, then he will kill every single other dwarf in the fortress. I have zero doubt about that. This is why I am regretting making him my Baron. Because if I don’t do what he says, carnage will follow. And I can’t dump him headfirst into the river, as is recommended procedure with most troublesome nobles, because I used all my blades and iron and wood making hilariously OP weapon traps. I *need* his elite zombie killing abilities. Basically, if he goes down fighting heroically against the zombies soon-ish… well, tragic as it is, that might be the best case scenario for the long-term health of the fortress. He has a son to whom the barony will pass to upon his death, so no problems about the succession. Other than… his son… that’s the little psychopath who killed two zombies when he was one year old… Fucksake. + Ask for death, Dwarf Fortress will provide. I hit the caverns at roughly the same level as I did last time, further reinforcing my suspicions that these are indeed the same fucking tunnel system. 190 corpses suddenly appear on the Carnage-o-Meter. It’s another massacre down there. But it’s a… kinda different looking massacre. Not so much blood and guts. Lots of ash and burnt fungus. Not so much meat, more bare skeletons and charcoal. More like the lair of some monstrous… Now, I am not going to lie. Every time, without exception, that I have gone up against a Forgotten Beast in the caverns, the fortress has died. Every time. These titans are fortress killers. Fuck, these things are CIVILIZATION KILLERS. Set the FB count too high on World Generation and it causes an extinction level event, no exceptions. These things are the Big Bads of Dwarf Fortress, procedurally generated demi-gods created when the world was young with kill-counts 20 pages long. And this one, as well as being encased in a nigh-impervious gastropod shell, also breathes fire. This is a problem. This is a major, major, “sucking-air-in-between-the-teeth-I-think-your-boiler’s-fucked-mate” kind of problem. The good news is that the God-Beast has burnt its legs quite severely when killing all those hundreds of crundles and gorlaks down there; it mut have walked back and forth thru the firestorm it created and it got burned. Ergo, it *isn’t* fire proof. All the fat has burnt off because fat is flammable – also, the presence of fat is actually a good sign, because it means the beast is made from bones and meat, as opposed to, say, raw platinum, diorite, diamonds or something equally as impervious and horrible. Also, I don’t think it can fly. Always find the positives in any situation. For those who are wondering - no, the caverns are never usually this bad twice in a row. We’ve either had exceptionally good luck or exceptionally bad luck, depending on which side of the ‘dwarves burning to death and setting all your wooden furniture on fire = FUN’ equation you happen to side on. I’m about to put on my dwarvern helmet (the larger of my two cooking pots), turn off the lights, and wage war against SIMO, FORGOTTEN BEAST. Win or lose, this shall be Epic.
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dn
Body Count: 02
the motherfucking darknation
Posts: 1,711
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Post by dn on Aug 21, 2017 20:52:31 GMT -5
UVARODDOM: LULLCLOISTERED PART 5Doom and blood and fire. Shadows and smoke pour forth from the caverns and death walks the dark places beyond these halls. + We tunneled down into the Great Beast’s lair; - Simo, Scourge of Uvaroddom, kent of our coming, and breathed searing gouts of flame into the exposed caverns above. Staples, treasured barber–surgeon (and occasionally carpenter), did not duck his head quick enough, and verily his mighty beard caught fire. A great gout of smoke erupted from the stricken dwarf, removing us from each other’s sight and destroying our squad’s coherency. Our formation was destroyed. The smell of burning hair will haunt me till my dying day. + We regrouped at the breach; ten and one stout warriors stood against the Great Beast as it roared and bellowed further flame. Dodger, our Baron, knew that this would be his dying day. Two mandates did he speak before he charged into the belly of the Beast; first, he named his shield Eguramal and he charged the spirit of the steel with guarding his body this day, and his soul thereafter in the afterlife. His second mandate was to lift the trade embargo on goblets. Verily, he regretted the pettiness of his former actions, and charged our craftsmen to make ten-score more and charge a glass in his name and memory. + We charged. Humie was the first to die. Humie. Brave Humie. A mercenary who begged her leave to stay with us, to train with us and, finally, begged her leave to die with us. And die she did, for she had no steel to fit her frame. Aflame and burning, still she launched herself into the Great Beast Simo, stabbing the monster deeply in the guts before relinquishing her sword, the coin of her life thus spent. + Fire. Fire and fear. Killbara burned alive when the booze in his backpack exploded in the heat. The Beast came on. Stabby lost first his shield, and then his life. The Beast came on. Randy Savage tried to wrestle; the Beast sat down and squashed him. Cheesy was the next to die. Clad head-to-toe in steel and wreathed alike in flame, Cheesy panicked and was thus undone, but he too left his iron in the Great Beast’s guts before he left this mortal coil. Hamster died alone in the dark with none to see him meet his end. And so five stood where once were eleven, five against the Beast. + Baron Von Dodger charged, and the world collapsed in smoke and fire. Mangrodzart, the Baron’s artifact steel sword, lashed forth and cut the Beast a mortal wound, collapsing a lung. The beast struck back and Eguramal was his life guard. The two traded titanic blows as they stood amidst the burning caverns and soon all sight was lost. + The smoke has cleared. The ashes, though hot, will burn no more. Tears cut through the grime upon my cheeks, for I see the Baron has fallen, wounded unto death by the Great Beast Simo. And beside him, hacked into ruin, lies the corpse of the Devil in Red, the Doom of Uvaroddom Averted. Glory to the Baron. Tell his wife that he has fallen, and deliver unto his son the mantle of his birthright. Go, now, and tell the folk of Uvaroddom that the Baron died so they might live. Tell them that the Great Beast Simo is dead.
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dn
Body Count: 02
the motherfucking darknation
Posts: 1,711
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Post by dn on Aug 22, 2017 20:04:42 GMT -5
Well, there it is. I thought that would be a good place to leave off, for the time being. I played for a little while longer, but the fortress was pretty much running without me at this point. The caverns were secure and walled off, the dwarves were (mostly) happy, there was enough food and booze to last a ten year siege and everything was fine, nothing was broken. And so I signed off, leaving the fort alive yet beyond my meticulous care, and leaving the world a better place for my intervention. May the AI treat the dwarves better than I did. Anyway, hope you enjoyed reading this drivel. Moreover, I hope this has encouraged a couple of you to try the game for yourself. It really is a unique experience. I will return to this thread the next time the yearning for Dwarf Fortress strikes me. As is, I'm going to go and play a game that isn't actively trying to give me a grand mal seizure. Maybe I'll go play something with graphics.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 26, 2017 16:56:39 GMT -5
I have no idea what is going on in this thread, but it is beautiful.
I need to try this game some time.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 26, 2017 17:03:20 GMT -5
Also, based flying lungfish.
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dn
Body Count: 02
the motherfucking darknation
Posts: 1,711
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Post by dn on Aug 27, 2017 11:19:34 GMT -5
if you are going to jump in, then I recommend this book. There is nothing worse than pausing every thirteen seconds and looking up the wiki. Don't get me wrong, the wiki is an excellent resource, but checking a book always feels more natural somehow. Closing programs, opening programs, it breaks the immersion that is a vital part of the DF experience. Whereas pausing the game and thumbing through a dog-eared copy of a book because you can't remember WTF Galena ore smelts into... well, it just feels better, somehow, like you're not trying to outfox a bunch of zeroes and ones, but are actively learning something about a living, breathing world. Everyone should play Dwarf Fortress. You need brains, you need retro skillz and you need balls the size of fucking dump trucks. Fuck the filthy casuals. Get your fucking Dwarf on.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 27, 2017 12:24:43 GMT -5
Cool, thanks for that. I'll definitely be trying this out some time. Though it looks very time consuming, so I'm not sure when just yet. Maybe I'll post some experiences in here? This could become a Dwarf Fortress Fun thread or something. Not sure if you want it contained to just your own experiences or not though.
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dn
Body Count: 02
the motherfucking darknation
Posts: 1,711
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Post by dn on Aug 27, 2017 12:45:59 GMT -5
Not fussed, do as thou wilt. I'm not going to get precious about people actually posting in my tumbleweed DF thread.
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Post by Olroda on Nov 25, 2017 5:47:39 GMT -5
I've read through all of this more than once now, and it sounds really crazy! In a good way! Very entertaining. Love the Cannon Fodder reference, and the Moria one too. The part with the stone mugs was hilarious. You know how to paint a vivid picture, dn - I can really imagine the squalor and grim conditions which the dwarves live suffer in. Reminds me plenty of my roleplaying (paper & pencil kind, of course) days. So, is there a possibilty of more tales of high adventure? And could one of those wretched creatures bear my name, so that we may know how he gloriously died for nothing?
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dn
Body Count: 02
the motherfucking darknation
Posts: 1,711
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Post by dn on Nov 25, 2017 7:12:16 GMT -5
Yeah, in about a week or so I'm starting again; there is a new version of DF out that I'm itching to play. Just have to wait for the inevitable post-release bugs to be ironed out.
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Post by Olroda on Mar 5, 2018 1:36:11 GMT -5
There is currently a shortage of dwarven adventures. I can't take it any longer!
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