Boring life

What's stopping you? Honestly go do it before you grow too old and have responsibilities, lest you look back on events that never came to be with a sad nostalgia desperately wishing you had taken action when you could.

You think "oh I don't care I just won't think about it" but you will, yes you fucking will and there is diddly piss squat you can do about it if you don't just go out there and make some actual real memories, I am very close to your age and I already have so many regrets due to my lack of actions.

Lemme give you an example aight, in high school there was a girl that was it ya feel me? big fuckin titties, naturally beautiful, fucking pleasure to be around aight, she didn't have no fellas in her life. So a few lessons together and we chat, across a few lessons in the week we share tables and we shoot the fucking shit right, she ain't ever this talkative with dudes right yet I have no end of good conversations with her. Years go on, we keep chatting ya know, I remember the controlled assessment for English right, we had to fuckin talk in front of the class to demonstrate crowd speaking capabilities (I was in set 2, set 1 is high grade, set 2 is regular ass folks, set 3 were dumb and set 4 were fucking retards so that is how that worked), puberty had hit and I was over my cowardly social phobia and would give a fucking speech on literally anything to anyone so my turn comes up and I speak like a fucking salesman, I killed that shit (Got an 11, fuck knows what that means but the average was 8 and lowest was 3) and all the way through me explaining what records I'd be stuck on a desert island with and why I see her, hands in head wide eyed loving every second of it.

It keeps going, I notice her looking this way every now and then, started smiling back and shit.

Somewhere, somehow we get to the pivotal point aight, she asks me for the number... I, being apprehensive and shit scared of such a shock said, and I quote "I don't have a phone" because I was a punk bitch who didn't wanna experience new shit as it scared me.

Every waking hour this haunts me, what the fuck did I do? I hesitated, that's what! I would've loved to do that shit, I just couldn't be fucked to put the effort in and that spooked me, if I could go back in time I wouldn't so much as slap myself as much as shoot myself, about 70 times in the dick I could've been using in my virgin years.

Don't be me G, go do that shit and do it good, you don't need no boomer to tell you that.

sounds like you have lost faith in a reason to exist

No problem, my dude. Much love.

Going by the tune of your post, it seems like you definitely don't want to be a burden on anyone, which i'd guess might be inhibiting you from getting the help you need. And I can relate to that. Depression and executive dysfunction don't really feel like real problems. They're not killing you, you're not in any danger, and sometimes they just go away. It's like non-existent fuzz that stands between you and your own willpower, and that it's your own fault for not powering through it.

Maybe it is your own fault? I don't know. But if it the issue is so pressing that you made a thread about it, it's probably more serious than anyone is giving it credit for.

I've read about people going through this similar nameless phase of no motivation, always tired, and being unhappy when they functionally have no reason to be. It sucks and its very confusing.

For what it's worth, the internet does have a tendency for making people feel like they are just another number in a very massive group all surrounding the same thing. Just from reading this thread, you've told a lot about yourself I've never known about you before. It sounds like you think your thoughts are mindless drivel, but you're actually way more interesting to me and probably others than you might think. It might actually be really fulfilling for you to start small. Just do something simple like open up about yourself here on this forum. Here's some dope thread opportunities you could start with:

Urban exploration? Cool! Where have you been? Do you have pictures? Did you ever almost get caught trespassing? What happened?

You've read books? What have you read? What were your favorites? What did you like about them and what would you be interested in reading about if you had the motivation? Is there a style of book you wish you knew about? Would you open to recommendations?

You like to travel? Where have you been? What places do you want to go to next? What is the best part about traveling? Whats your best/worst travel experience?

You draw? What things do you draw? What do you draw with? Pencil, sharpie, oil pastels? Would you show me something you made? Are you trying to get better? What skills do you think you want to work on?

p.s. for anyone else lurking on this thread who thinks they have boring pointless interests that no one cares about, you're wrong and you should definitely talk about it.

I said it more in jest.

for some reason i'm taking everything super seriously today

Also, I used to love exploring abandoned, and supposedly haunted places too at your age. Fun times.

I get it sometimes too but it's in cycles. There could be few weeks or a month or two or sometimes more where I want to spend time on creative hobbies (and it's mainly coding, wish I also did mapping), or I dream of starting new hobbies or do some positive things in my life, but I succumb in negative cycle of being lazy, overeating, not want to do anything than social media, youtube, gaming, masturbating, etc. This came and hit me hard during the lockdown because of suddenly being 24 hours inside home (well, technically I can still take a walk but when stores were all closed, there was less incentive), I was heavy, more lazy, and just doing my worse (got 6kgs, food snacking is my vice). But I was out recently, started a diet, bought an Oculus Quest that helped me being active even when at home.

Now, making some of these positive moves, improved my overall mood and started making me more motivated for other stuff. I suddenly started working on coding projects too. Lost 3kgs so far, intending to continue before the next cycle takes me down. But I noticed again something. I've read in a book ( www.amazon.co.uk/Hacking-American-Mind-Corporate-Takeover/dp/1101982586 ) how Dopamine and Serotonin relate to each other, how instant gratification activities (from snacking on food to checking twitter) will increase your Dopamine (fucking your Dopamine receptors in the process) but decrease Serotonin (the one from what I understand related to willpower to do the creative things that don't give you instant gratification, but fulfilment after some time).

So, I guess the goal for me is to identify those dopaminogenic activities and try to reduce, then maybe the ones that you can't get into because they need more willpower (a concept I don't know if it really exists, but use the word here to mean that fuel which makes you do those more creative but harder/not instant endeavours that you fail to want to do) will naturally come into your life.

I noticed few things related for example:

I am feeling the mood to start working on a creative work I was desperate to start the previous days. There is a good feel, the dreads that push you away (makes you lazy or don't want to start) feel to be far away. But as I start, something pops up in my mind, "ohhh let's check something on twitter before I start!". And I say "It's only gonna be 5 minutes, then I will work for 1 hour, I promise it will be just 5mins". Even if I didn't end up to be more than 5mins, that fast dopamine (instant gratification from positive/negative emotions from little tweets, like shots of a drink) suddenly makes me feel different. Now I return back to work on my creative projects, and "I Just Don't Feel Like". I end up looking more tweets or play Doom. That's 5 mins!!! 5 mins ago, I was feeling the positive willpower to start working on my creative projects. This is your brain on Twitter!

Second thing I felt, the day I bought junk food from the supermarket, instead of healthy food (for me it's some meat to cook and salads, I avoid carbs, but it could be different for you). I noticed, after I snacked on the high carb or sugar stuff, I instantly get more depressed, more feeling down, more not want to do anything. Try to persuade myself (still pretty hard, I understand) to change diet the next days, get into the plan, makes me less depressed and combining with avoiding social media for a while and other instant gratification activities (yes, even reducing masturbation, I am not a nofapper, but lol), it all comes together and I am more into positive mood of doing the right choices, and less probable to fall again (although after several days, I fall back for some reason).

I don't know of a holy grail to fight our vices. I only know of the things that fuck me up, the dopamine/serotonine connection, and my constant struggle to get out of the negative cycle and do the best of my time before I fallback again.