Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 7, 2018 23:40:01 GMT -5
So, this is a bizarre situation, to say the least.
I'm probably mentally ill, probably, I've always had this internal conflict forever raging on between me and myself and myself, like my emotions and thoughts are all separate people and are always debating and arguing over everything all the time.
Anyway, I've always had the constant attacks from doubt involving the girl I care about, I've always thought I would fail her and that I'm nothing to them and the other classic self defeating shit... I've always (eventually) persuaded myself that's not true, I can't fail them, no, I won't fail them!
A romantic thought, sure, but er... I was just informed that I already have failed them, in fact I failed them ages ago and they just didn't want to tell me, I never wanted to hurt them and tried so hard not to yet I already have, I've fucked up bad, they needed me and I've fucking failed mate.
But this isn't normal, this is the part where I'd lose it all and cry in a messy pile but no, I feel nothing yet also smug in a way, that doubt in me was right all along and the terrible things I thought were right, I really shouldn't have tried, they were angry at me and wanted me gone but they were persuaded otherwise, I wish they did get rid of me.
I feel no sadness, I haven't shed a tear, I'm not sad I'm just lost and confused. That was the last thing to keep me going, I couldn't fail them but no longer do I have that drive... I've never been so ready to die, they were why I'm still alive, I've tried to die before but I couldn't do it to them, fail them like that... But I already have, dying is nothing now, I went to do it but rather than flee in fear I just started laughing, why am I going to kill myself? I'm nothing, what would this accomplish?
I've stopped my weight gain routine, why try and fix myself? yet I won't stop eating, why destroy myself? I have an important meeting today regarding the act of turning my life around, I need sleep but it's half 5 in the morning, why bother securing this worthless future? I'm going to go anyway because why would I throw it away?
I don't care anymore, I'm so oddly empty inside, how do you escape this? I'd rather be a depressed wreck then feel this nothingness, do you have any tips to feel something again?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 7, 2018 23:47:41 GMT -5
I post this here because, by all intents and purposes, you are a neutral view on the situation, neutral parties usually tell you what you need to hear rather than what you want to hear, if you'd like to have me stop with this stupid shit then I will.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 7, 2018 23:57:39 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2018 0:16:00 GMT -5
I poorly worded that, apologies for that, I've long since accepted my place and I'm not upset about being just her friend, I'm upset that I changed myself and put copious amounts of effort into preventing something I've already done, I'm upset that despite my best efforts not to I've still hurt them.
I'm upset that I've proven myself right, proved that I am harmful and that I am a failure, it's not just them Glen, I see what I've done everywhere now and I know I can't stop what I am.
I know now why I'm malnourished, it wasn't personal neglect after all, I've been doing this to myself on purpose all this time, I've been doing this for years, I think that deep down inside me there is a part of me that thinks I deserve to suffer.
I don't like this, I want out of this mess, what is the best course of action to escape this madness?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2018 0:26:49 GMT -5
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dn
Body Count: 02
the motherfucking darknation
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Post by dn on Aug 8, 2018 1:10:13 GMT -5
Just out of morbid curiosity, how old are you?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2018 1:11:01 GMT -5
You could see it that way, yes, but I kind of want to suffer, it feels like the only good thing I can do and will do, whenever I try to help I just hurt people, by hurting myself I feel as though it stops me doing it to others...
But I know that it is bullshit, I know I'm harming people even more by doing this to myself, it's a lose lose situation and now I'm trapped in the middle with no way out, I'm in hell and don't know what I should do.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2018 1:11:22 GMT -5
Just out of morbid curiosity, how old are you? 21
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2018 1:24:15 GMT -5
Oh fuck I regret doing this, I'm sorry I really am.
I'm not gonna wipe this, It'll serve as a good warning to anyone else looking to air their crazy on the internet to stop and rethink, it's best not to do this.
I'm gonna just stop, you, no we don't want this mess, I'm just gonna vanish for a little bit, I'll be fine don't worry but what I'll not do is continue this shitshow for the betterment of all of us.
Again I'm sorry, let's just stop this right here and laugh it off another day.
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Justince
Doomer
Professional Face-Puncher
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Post by Justince on Aug 8, 2018 2:03:37 GMT -5
I don't mind you venting here if it makes you feel a little better.
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agent6
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Post by agent6 on Aug 8, 2018 2:39:48 GMT -5
Me neither, but geez some sentences really do remind me of myself when I'm disappointed by my poor performance at something.
I'm VERY critical of myself and when I fail at something, even if it's probably insignificant on a larger scale, it's like the sky collapsed on my head.
Also, whatever it might be, there's always something to live for. In this case, it was apparently simply not meant to be, so nothing to be sad about or mourn.
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Post by Olroda on Aug 8, 2018 6:58:26 GMT -5
Years ago, I too reached the absolute bottom, where a choice presented itself to me. I could choose to give up, and that would be the end of it, or I could stop feeling sorry for myself and fight. Well, I'm still here, not queer, get used to it! It is quite liberating once you've made up your mind, I assure you. But life is a struggle and wallowing in self pity (easy as it is) gets you nowhere. Doing something - anything about changing your situation does! I'm probably mentally ill, probably, I've always had this internal conflict forever raging on between me and myself and myself I think not. The people I've met who I would label as insane would never, ever question or contemplate their own behaviour. they needed me and I've fucking failed From what you've written about the matter here (which may not be the entire picture, of course), I'd say that your girl is using you. If that feels true, you should ask yourself if you find it worthwhile to be the target of a parasite. Find a job. It really helps! If you are exhausted in your free time, you won't have the energy to be negative. You will feel better as time goes on and you achieve some things in life. There will always be problems though, as nothing good ever comes without a price. Summary: Get to the point. No hesitation. Destroy yourself right now or get busy living!
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40oz
diRTbAg
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Post by 40oz on Aug 8, 2018 7:23:10 GMT -5
If he's genuinely concerned about his mental health, i'm not sure "just get over it" is going to work here. I'm not saying I know the answer, but I'm inclined to believe being told to do something that simple is probably an idea mrthejoshmon would have thought of on his own. If it's still not working, there's probably something deeper worth understanding.
Anyway, any self harm you do to yourself is far more destructive to you than it is destructive to anyone here. In fact, knowing that you're cutting yourself off from us to figure out how you are going to make yourself suffer for this is more uncomfortable to us than it is for you to stay here and acknowledge that there's a real problem going on that is separate from who you really are.
We come to this forum looking for the things people have to say. If you are getting any response at all, its because we can certainly afford to listen and empathize with you.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2018 11:17:57 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2018 12:41:04 GMT -5
So, this is a bizarre situation, to say the least. I'm probably mentally ill, probably, I've always had this internal conflict forever raging on between me and myself and myself, like my emotions and thoughts are all separate people and are always debating and arguing over everything all the time. Anyway, I've always had the constant attacks from doubt involving the girl I care about, I've always thought I would fail her and that I'm nothing to them and the other classic self defeating shit... I've always (eventually) persuaded myself that's not true, I can't fail them, no, I won't fail them! A romantic thought, sure, but er... I was just informed that I already have failed them, in fact I failed them ages ago and they just didn't want to tell me, I never wanted to hurt them and tried so hard not to yet I already have, I've fucked up bad, they needed me and I've fucking failed mate. But this isn't normal, this is the part where I'd lose it all and cry in a messy pile but no, I feel nothing yet also smug in a way, that doubt in me was right all along and the terrible things I thought were right, I really shouldn't have tried, they were angry at me and wanted me gone but they were persuaded otherwise, I wish they did get rid of me. I feel no sadness, I haven't shed a tear, I'm not sad I'm just lost and confused. That was the last thing to keep me going, I couldn't fail them but no longer do I have that drive... I've never been so ready to die, they were why I'm still alive, I've tried to die before but I couldn't do it to them, fail them like that... But I already have, dying is nothing now, I went to do it but rather than flee in fear I just started laughing, why am I going to kill myself? I'm nothing, what would this accomplish? I've stopped my weight gain routine, why try and fix myself? yet I won't stop eating, why destroy myself? I have an important meeting today regarding the act of turning my life around, I need sleep but it's half 5 in the morning, why bother securing this worthless future? I'm going to go anyway because why would I throw it away? I don't care anymore, I'm so oddly empty inside, how do you escape this? I'd rather be a depressed wreck then feel this nothingness, do you have any tips to feel something again? Man, just this morning, on the way to the bus I saw so many bums and junkies sleeping on the sidewalk, next to piles of putrid garbage in bustling city streets. You know what they would give to have your problems? Cheer up dude! You may think your life is bad, but there's people who have it 1,000,000x worse. Also, some people can be very terrible. But somewhere out there, you can meet good ones. You might have to go through a lot of them to find one. When I was 21, I too was in some pretty toxic relationships and friendships. But now I see these people on social media, and I can't help but think how much better off I am without them. Also, how miserable they currently are. It's them. If you're a good person, eventually you'll find people that will recognize that. Don't let these rotten losers corrupt your character.
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BIG DICK NIGGA
this post is a lie about my bodily proportions
Major Arlene obsessed, 100% verified freakazoid. AKA bzzrak
Posts: 2,294
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Post by BIG DICK NIGGA on Aug 8, 2018 17:30:18 GMT -5
A romantic thought, sure, but er... I was just informed that I already have failed them, in fact I failed them ages ago and they just didn't want to tell me, I never wanted to hurt them and tried so hard not to yet I already have, I've fucked up bad, they needed me and I've fucking failed mate. ok look People can generally see your intentions regarding them. In your case, it was the very best goddamn intentions any man ever has had. Apparently you didn't orbit her like some beta asshead, desperately hoping to get laid. No, you legit wanted to BE THERE FOR HER. That's husband material, if I've ever seen it. And you did it just out of kindness, not expecting anything in return. And, uh, she very likely sees that. Maybe you've "failed" her somehow, but trust me, she knows that you appreciate her. Like holy shit man. Don't obsess over that whole "I failed her" shit, because "failing" someone means not living up to the expectations. True genuine friendship isn't based on expectations, so you can't "fail" anyone, especially the way you think you did. If she's still hanging around you and tolerating you and stuff, she GODDAMN CARES about you. She feels real bad about seeing you like this. And so do we all. Like for example take me, I'm some asshead that lives 2000 km away from you, I'll never meet you IRL nor will you ever affect my life in any way, yet reading these really destructive-ass rants of yours hurts. Can you imagine how does someone who appreciates you IRL feel? Trust me, there are lots of such people. Nobody needs you to be like this Josh my guy. Including you. The only person that you are letting down is you. But you can change it, like you really can, for real-ass realistic reals. Just... make a push. Make that goddamn push. Eat red meat and shit. Go to the important meeting thing and impress the shit out of them. Look up. That shit gets rewarded even if you can't immediately see it. Like yo, it really does. Stop pitying yourself like this, you don't deserve it. Speak of yourself in a better light even if you (temporarily!) disagree. Fight that bitch called life and beat the living shit out of it, Josh my mate, we all love you
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2018 17:41:40 GMT -5
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Post by Olroda on Aug 9, 2018 3:19:18 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2018 19:31:38 GMT -5
Thanks for the words lads, they mean a lot actually. I found it hard to see everything, see through the eyes of another because I was too clouded in my own rage, I must admit at one point I lost myself to my own guilt and will definitely have the scars to show it but it made me reach out to someone, the smartest thing I've done in years.
I see things more clearly now though, things have also changed, she would like to keep distance from me for a while and I respect that decision, they hate what I did but (well, more specifically what I failed to do) but don't hate me (and I can live with that) they just need a while.
In that moment of anguish I found myself to be wrong, people do care, regardless of what I've persuaded myself to believe, there is hope out there but you have to be willing to look for it and be ready to let yourself have it. When I reached out I learned more about myself than I ever thought possible, I learnt what I actually meant to people outside of my twisted thoughts. It's odd though, I still hate myself and probably always will but I know I can't just give up because people want me here, need me here, even if I can't understand why people like me.
I have to change, I need to stop punishing myself for what I've done and work towards fixing things, fixing myself, making things better for everyone. I need to stop focusing on what I did and the outcome but more on why I did it, there were good intentions so that has to count for something.
Everything sounds so cliche, so stupid almost, this really is the darkest time in my life huh, a living cliche... God help.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2018 20:25:17 GMT -5
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BIG DICK NIGGA
this post is a lie about my bodily proportions
Major Arlene obsessed, 100% verified freakazoid. AKA bzzrak
Posts: 2,294
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Post by BIG DICK NIGGA on Aug 11, 2018 16:33:44 GMT -5
If the mods haven't removed likes, I would've liked But they have so I'll pollute the thread with another "GOOD JOB MAN GOOD LUCK YO LOVE YOU FOR REAL" ( 40oz think about it.) So um if you don't mind... GOOD JOB MAN, GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR REBIRTH YO RISE LIKE A PHOENIX LOVE YA <3 you’re in good company with us here. debatable
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2018 17:58:00 GMT -5
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BIG DICK NIGGA
this post is a lie about my bodily proportions
Major Arlene obsessed, 100% verified freakazoid. AKA bzzrak
Posts: 2,294
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Post by BIG DICK NIGGA on Aug 11, 2018 21:24:34 GMT -5
I was thinking more along the lines of allowing only the 30 year old boomers in order to make this place as orthodox as possible, but spitting down cunts sounds kinda appealing, even though I don't understand at all what it's about
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2018 21:29:55 GMT -5
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Post by joe-ilya on Aug 14, 2018 0:27:31 GMT -5
You're too selfish and always talk and think about yourself, do something for someone else with no thoughts of benefits for yourself.
Just like how I did with this post.
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