dn
Body Count: 02
the motherfucking darknation
Posts: 1,726
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Post by dn on May 18, 2018 12:02:46 GMT -5
Got a slight mandrill infestation. It's barely worth mentioning because the fucking harpies and the ogres are a hundred times worse. The monkeys run through the front door to steal shit and - because the only way into the central staircase is through the military's training room - they are promptly blown right the fuck back out again. THE LUNGFISH OF IMMORTALITYThe ogre wars continue. After our initial strategic failures re; wrestling, things have improved. We found obsidian (read: dragon glass) deep in the mountain and used it to make glass swords. Fucking things are sharp. There are bits and pieces of ogre splattered everywhere. So far we've killed eleven of the fuckers; I don't think the biome can support much more than that, so a species-wide genocide looks imminent. It continues to piss elf blood from the sky. The dwarves are really hurting, the constant harassment of harpies every time they go outside has left us with a lot of walking wounded. Hospital *was* able to cope with the injured, at least until our bone doctor went outside to pick up a stray xx<-pigtail sock->xx and got Ogred to death. Our new chief medical dwarf used to be a cheese maker. Fucker knows a lot about cheese, less about encouraging bones to knit / remembering to feed the patients. Fortunately, the poor dwarfs subjected to his tender care died of dehydration before they could starve to death. We also had a visitor last night. Not as bad as the last time tbh, because this one doesn't breathe fire. It can, however, fly. The military leap into action, cornering the fucking giant poisonous budgie and proceed to hack it to death with DRAGONGLASS FUCK YEAH. Captain Bitey needs no sword and decides to bite the fucking thing to death. Seeing as how it's poisonous, I suspect that Promotions will feature in the near future for some other lucky military dorf. Someone didn't get the memo about wrestling being a piss poor tactic against something twenty times your size. Enjoy your colostomy bag in whatever passes for Dorf Heaven, you dumb gutless fuck. Dorf victory! Fuck off back to hell you dead cunt.
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Post by Olroda on May 19, 2018 16:08:09 GMT -5
Heh. The midgets bite back! Literally! So how would you rate our chances of long-term survival? And just how many dorfs do we got in there? I got the impression of twenty or something, but there seems to be more...
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40oz
diRTbAg
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Post by 40oz on May 20, 2018 15:05:11 GMT -5
Dammn i wasnt sure they were gonna make it. Nice!
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dn
Body Count: 02
the motherfucking darknation
Posts: 1,726
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Post by dn on Jul 23, 2018 11:38:13 GMT -5
The Chambers of Axes part 1
* * *
The new big-fixes are in: the Dorfs have had their emotion chips reengaged. Tantrum spirals are now definitely 100% back in the game. Worse, the fucking Cyberdyne learning computer that is the Dorf brain has had an upgrade which means it... remembers.
I have never had to switch on Dwarven Justice before: my dudes always marched along just peachy, lockstep towards a socialist Utopia where the Dorfs had seized the means of production (read: shitstone mugs) and were a perfectly content fraternity.
This is no longer the case. The Dorfs are fucking revolting - their brains are mapped, not on human terms, but as receptacles for big, fat extracts from the Book of Grudges. The bastards *remember*: worse, during their downtime, they sit and fucking brood on the wrongs they have suffered.
"Cookie" was a dwarf who dreamed of becoming a master-carpenter. Which was a shame, really, because we already had a fucking master carpenter, and all the wood was earmarked for our burgeoning steel industry regardless. Cookie was told to STFU about mastering a skill and to get down to the kitchen, where he would spend his days preparing ☼Plump Helmet Roasts☼.
And there it should have ended: Cookie, the Legendary cook and Woody the Legendary carpenter, to each according to his needs and from each according to his ability. Except Cookie turned Evil, he spent his days in that fucking kitchen nursing a terrible hatred, forging incredible meals into which he poured his cruelty, his malice, and his will to dominate all life.
The first thing he did was punch a stone-crafter to death in a fit of rage. I - wishing to preserve the legendary cook and reasoning that stone-crafters are a dime-a-dozen in an economy geared to produce a million shitstone mugs a year - decided to let Cookie off the hook and funnel his RAGE into a more productive role. He wants to master a skill, he is frustrated at being unable to practice a martial art and holds warriors in the highest regard: into the military he is drafted so he may learn to temper his ferocity.
Pleased with my solution, I return my benevolent attentions back to the caves, which are infested with fucking animal men and who are not taking their internment in dwarven concentration camps lightly whilst I work on the Final Solution to the furry problem. After working some more on the Magma Pump and the channel leading into the camp, I return upstairs to my military's training room to see how Plan B is turning out.
The fucking room is DRENCHED in blood. There are bits and pieces of Administrator all over the place. Cookie is howling in savage glee.
Fuck. This. Stone-crafters are one thing, but that was my entire admin department (admittedly unwisely consolidated into the form of one idiot-savant dwarf who liked wandering the fortress when not autistically counting stockpiles down to the last grain of sand.) I cannot overstate what a rare boon this dwarf was - never before had I ever had access to my fucking stocks page, and I had grown accustomed to not having to guess if we were going to starve to death in a month or so. Now, Autism Dwarf lies in six different pieces and all I have to show for it is a fucking psychotic chef whose sole thought at the time of the murder was, "I have improved my striking. That was satisfying!"
Justice system ENGAGE.
And so it begins. Cookie - dishonorably discharged from the militia - receives the first of seventeen separate beatings he will receive in the name of Justice. He will spend *almost* as much time in the newly constructed Black Cells as he does in the hospital. My doctor will become one of the world's leading experts in fractures, sutures and surgery, based *solely* on putting Cookie back together after each and every single instance of Dorf Justice™.
And he doesn't die. Cookie emerges from the cells stronger, harder, and covered in fucking prison tattoos. He is held together solely by thread and the masterful stitching of the doctor. Twice I debate just locking the fucking door on the bastard and forbidding the other dwarfs to bring him water and food, of letting the fucking degenerate criminal starve to death. When he does get out of jail he returns to the kitchen and proceeds to bug the fucking game break the laws of fucking physics, gathering up every single raw food stuff he can find, adding about twenty barrels of raw alcohol to it, putting it all in one giant fucking pot and spending a month making a stack of ☼Mandril Roasts☼ that is worth more $Dorf Bucks$ than the rest of the fucking fortress combined.
Then, having done so, Cookie walks out of the kitchen, spies Woody the Legendary Carpenter, and promptly punches him in head so hard that the carpenter flies down the central corridor and into the anti-goblin Mincing Trap - thirty steel Swords attached to three masterwork diorite mechanisms that had taken FIVE FUCKING YEARS to come to fruition. It took a squad of seven haulers the best part of a fucking month to clean up the mess and traumatized them for life. Doubtless, the haulers will reflect upon the mess of their beloved carpenter in their down time and begin their own little tantrum spirals. 7 more Cookies were born in that exact instant.
Cookie was locked away in the black cells for life, door locked with no food nor water.
He did not live long enough to die of dehydration.
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dn
Body Count: 02
the motherfucking darknation
Posts: 1,726
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Post by dn on Jul 23, 2018 12:44:04 GMT -5
The Chambers of Axes part 2
* * *
There was, quite uniquely, a linen tent on top of the hill where the Dorfs embarked. The tent was home to three Elves - mother, father and six year old child. They were friendly to the Dorfs, right up until the moment three seconds after embark where I chopped down every tree within a three mile radius.
Elves are dicks like that.
They turned hostile, but were not so stupid as to attack the Dorfs. They kept to their little tent, eating fucking roots and worshiping the sole remaining sapling as elves are wont to do. All apart from the daughter, who resolutely remained friendly: morals are malleable at a young age, and the little elf child had not been so thoroughly indoctrinated into dumbass hippy elf culture as to give a single shit about the trees.
Soon, the Friendly tag became a Visitor tag. The girl... moved in with the Dorfs.
She spent every waking minute in the Ale Halls, being entertained by the six or seven bards that I habitually accumulated over the course of the game. She became a strange fixture of fortress life that I got used to, even occasionally checking on her well-being in a manner that I seldom bother with for the other meat-puppets that are the rank and file Dorfs.
There was also an opportunity here: practically raised by Dorfs, the elf child's moral compass would similarly be Dorf-aligned. Ideas might catch on in the outside world (yes, this is actually a thing now: Dorfs captured and raised by goblins will end up with goblin ethical values. In another example, a Dorf writes a famous book advocating DEATH TO FURRIES in the library, he sends copies out on every passing trade embassy, and the world learns to hate and persecute furries.) This child could be the beginning of important Elf-Dorf diplomacy.
Despite this, I never bothered to learn her name. It haunts me a little, now that the end has come.
* * *
There is a fucking *major* problem on the map. About six squares away there is a Dark Tower, raised by the Dwarven Necromancer Urist McDeath. Necromancers are bad: they haunt battlefields and graveyards, they raise armies of undead assholes and send them out to fuck with fortresses and elf holdings alike. Plus there is the usual goblin wars going on in the background; the goblins raided and captured the Elven tree-city of Big Fucking Tree, the elves retaliated and captured the dark goblin pit whilst their army was busy capturing the tree-city, leading to the odd situation of goblins living up in the fucking branches like faggot parrots whilst the elves grubbed an existence in a dark hole in the ground.
It's a funny old game.
But the fucking Necromancer is winning, mostly because he is a Dorf, and Dorfs are the superior ☼Steel☼ master race. Zombies are bad, bad news and zombies with access to steel on the tech-tree... well, they are nigh-on invincible. The world reports that my civilization liaison is bringing shows hordes of human refugees spilling from one town to the next. I, likewise, and reviving a metric fuckton of economic migrants bonafide refugees. We have humans by the boatload petitioning for residency in the fortress - most of them bloody bards as previously mentioned - but also an unheard of number of Axemen and Pikemen mercing for military positions. Shit, I even accepted a fucking Tapir Woman into the military, because I'm not so racist as to turn down a legendary mace fighter when one comes a-knocking.
I should have realized that civilization was crumbling at that point: I just assumed my fortress was so fucking awesome that everyone else wanted a piece, when what in actuality was happening was there was no where else in the world that had not been eaten by zombies. My first clue was when the diplomatic liaison failed to materialize in Autumn, having been eaten by zombies. The second clue was when a lowly, unskilled cheesemaker suddenly became KING OF THE DORFS despite being seventeen times removed from the throne, the entire royal family having being eaten by zombies.
This caused innumerable problems. Once again, I was distracted from dealing with the True Enemy in the caves (fucking animal people reeeee) and had to instead scramble all resources into building royal apartments / tombs for this shit-tier redneck royalty. I have never had to build an entire room out of gold before, and I hope to never have to do it again.
Cookie - currently on his second stint in the Black Cells - had forced my hand into activating the Dorf Justice™ system: this meant that every mandate that the King issued the Dorfs had to be fulfilled on pain of Death. If my legendary steel-worker failed to fulfill the King's desire for 3/3 ☼Steel Cages☼ then he would be sentenced to beatings / jail, something I could ill-afford now that I had been clued in that we were in a Total War situation. Making the king happy was paramount.
He then issued umpteen trade embargoes re; shitstone mugs and the crates used to transport shitstone mugs, teaching me a valuable lesson about diversifying one's economic portfolio. Why he decided that shitstone mugs could never be traded is a mystery; perhaps he feared that they would be used to bring aid and succour to the enemy.
This was apparently the final straw for the necromancer: denied his yearly shipment of mugs, the bastard went apeshit. From high atop the Dark Dwarven Tower, he turned his evil eye to the Fortress of the Chambers of Axes.
The elves in their little linen tent were the first to die.
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dn
Body Count: 02
the motherfucking darknation
Posts: 1,726
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Post by dn on Jul 23, 2018 13:47:00 GMT -5
The Chambers of Axes part 3
* * *
The way civilizations interact in the new version of DF is fascinating. Take the undead, for example: they have the tag HATE:LIFE, which means they will rip anything to pieces that is breathing. You'd think, therefore, that there would be no point in coding diplomacy and cooperation into undead civilizations.
Every time I play this fucking game I see something new and bizarre. This time, it was an alliance between the Plump Helmet People and the Ravening Hordes of the Undead.
Now, Plump Helmets are a dwarven foodstuff - mushrooms grown underground that can be either gnawed on raw or fermented into mushroom wine (or, in Cookie's case, made into delicious roasts.) Plump Helmet Men are humanoids in the shape of mushrooms - or is it mushrooms in the shape of humaoids? - using the same randomly generated templates as the fucking furry animal people. Choose a random animal, give it arms and legs and the LEARN tag, voila, instant civilization.
This is where the first hundred-to-one chance comes into it: that we had Plump Helmet Men exist in this world at all. The second weird confluence of events was the Necromancer's tower being built on top of the cave containing the Plump Helmet Men's primitive dwellings.
Normally this would result in extermination for the animal people in question and their absorption into the zombie hordes: underground cave swallow people are particularly obnoxious in this regard, because now they are zombies with fucking WINGS. Such should have been the fate of the Plump Helmet People except for one funny little thing: they are basically ambulant fungus. They are not alive. The undead eat brains, not mushrooms, and so the Plump Helmet men walked with impunity through the Necromancer's lair.
And they made good use of their LEARN tag. Oh, fucking yes, they did.
The first sign of seventeen thousand metric tons of shit hitting all the fans in the world was the advent of a single Plump Helmet Man, striding like nobody's business across the side of my map. One of them, a single solitary fucker with the title INVADER flashing in his profile.
There it was, I laughed, the lamest *SIEGE* ever suffered by Dorfkind. One Plump Helmet Man. Even the fucking Elves in their shitty little linen tent laughed.
And then the Army of the Dead walked in right behind him. The necromancer had turned the entire civilization of Plump Helmet Men into his apprentices.
I'd like to thank Mr and Mrs Elf for their heroic sacrifice, because it fucking saved the fortress. They ran screaming from the fucking TIDE of undead and it took the zombies valuable minutes to catch and eat them, giving me the time to OHSHIT my fortress into lockdown mode. I had five swordmasters training in the entry tunnel to my fortress and I had felt quite smug about their chances against anything the game could throw at me: I took one look at the fucking horde approaching and NOPED those boys the fuck out of there.
It took all three of my squads, more than fifteen Dorfs outfitted in steel and fuck-knows how many mercenaries to beat the bastards back. Seven of them died and here the third weird confluence of events came to pass - we would have lost if the Necromancer's apprentice had managed to raise our own dead and fling them back at us. Hilariously, the apprentices utterly failed to do so: apparently you need to speak dark words of power to raise the dead, and Plump Helmet Men, for all their ineptitude doubtless worth as warriors, do not possess a mouth.
The first battle of the Undead Wars resulted in a Dorf victory. The Chambers of Axes feasted greatly upon plump helmet that night. The Elf Child avoided the Ale Halls for the first time that evening. She instead began to haunt the crypts and temples in the deeper, darker levels of the fortress, mourning whilst the corpses of her parents moldered in a corpse stockpile 20 z-levels above her head. The stoneworkers memorialized their names unto slabs and erected tombstones outside their linen tent: this was all that they could do to offer solace to the orphaned child, for the elven dead belong with the trees; they cannot be entombed in dwarven halls.
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dn
Body Count: 02
the motherfucking darknation
Posts: 1,726
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Post by dn on Jul 23, 2018 14:44:25 GMT -5
The Chambers of Axes part 4
* * *
It's worth taking a moment to consider the geology of a world randomly generated by dwarf fortress. The surface of the world is clad in mud and sand, then dig deeper through conglomerate, limestone, marble to uncover hematite, limonite, tetrahedrite and all other marvelous minerals. Delve 50 levels beneath the ground and you will find igneous rock and cassiterite - should you need tin for bronze - and obsidian, granite, platinum, aluminum...
Deeper still - a hundred or more levels - is the lake of fire that forms the crust between the mundus and the center of the earth. Because the world's core is not, as previously assumed, made solely of molten rock: nay, the center of the world is made exclusively and entirely from procedurally-generated fucking Demonic Hellspawn.
And these Demons, upon escaping Hell, (because some dipshit dwarves dug too greedily and too deep whoops) come to the mortal world and set themselves up as Gods. And sometimes these Gods will accept the prayers of mortals.
Sometimes they will grant them gifts.
* * *
In the time after a time before time, Urist McDeath became obsessed with his own mortality and trawled the depths and hidden places of the world in his despair. There, he made a pact with Unknowable Evil and came upon a gift, an obsidian slab into which the Secrets of Life and Death had been engraved. And so, Urist McDeath became a Necromancer, forever immortal, and raised his tower upon the mundus with the help of the Plump Helmet People and began to spread his plague across the land until only one outpost of Life resisted him.
The Dwarven Fortress of the Chambers of Axes.
* * *
Victory had been won at the cost of too many lives. My military was now sadly depleted and would not be able to repel another siege. That said, the core of survivors were METAL AS FUCK, the toughest of the tough, the most bad-ass motherfuckers ever to fuck their mothers.
Interesting to note that of all the mercenaries, only the fucking Tapir Mace-woman had survived. I'm assuming this was because she was small enough to wear ☼Dorf Steel Battleplate☼, unlike the human mercenaries who were all outfitted in bronze, copper & iron - the dregs of the shit that I could scalp from traders that came in human size.
We needed to train. Hard and fast. Recruits were drafted and I set up training rooms down in the second level of the caves - a place I had previously sealed off because it was infested with fucking Blind Cave Trolls and christ knows what else, shit that was too dangerous to fuck with. I reasoned combat trains skills far, far faster than just fucking about in a training room. So I opened the cave, stationed my new military there and trusted to Steel to keep them from too much harm.
By the time the fortress crumbled, my military commander had 51 notable kills. It was a fuckin' slaughterhouse down there. I had to stop dwarfs from hauling the corpses of creatures because they were becoming actively traumatized by the slaughter: the soldiers gave not two shits, they waded through the corpses, they breathed in the miasma of rotting bodies and laughed in the face of death.
They were ready, more of less, when the second Plump Helmet Man lead the second, greater siege. I didn't even bother locking the fortress down, knowing that this was Do or Die time. My military exploded from the caverns like whirling dervishes and either lived or died cutting their way through the zombie horde in a desperate attempt to reach the necromancer's apprentice and cut him down.
He died. We died. The METAL AS FUCK core of the military survived and - because it was METAL AS FUCK - I issued them new orders. I opened the world map, clicked on the necromancer's tower, and sent my squads on an assassination mission. Taking a leaf from the elves and the goblins, I mounted a ferocious counter-attack whilst the tower was drained of resources and low on troops. Urist McDeath was finally relieved of his immortality beneath the steel blades of Dorfs and the mace of a pissed-off Tapir Woman.
Battered and bloody, the survivors returned to the fortress - with the Necromancer and his puny Plump Helmet apprentices dead, they had followed their orders to the letter and razed the tower to the ground.
I was concerned to note that they brought back the only treasure of note within the entire accursed tower: an obsidian tablet, engraved with the secrets of Life and Death, which I promptly buried at the back in the designated "Mountain of Shit" stockpile, locked the door, sealed that door behind a fucking brick wall and forbid all dwarfs from approaching upon pain of death for perpetuity.
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dn
Body Count: 02
the motherfucking darknation
Posts: 1,726
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Post by dn on Jul 23, 2018 15:27:57 GMT -5
The Chambers of Axes part 5
When the end came, it took less than two minutes for everyone to die.
Amusingly - or not, depending on where you happened to be standing at the time - it was fucking Cookie's fault. That Bastard Chef who, at the exact moment of the climatic battle at the summit of the Tower at Mount Doom, was busy collecting every single edible item in the fortress and combining them all into the World's Most Expensive ☼Mandrill Roast☼.
An explanation is probably in order here, although I'm not sure I understand it myself.
Trade goods in dwarf fortress operate on a kinda bonus multiplier system. Say that Masterwork cooking increases the base value by five. And the more ingredients that a dish has also increases the value based upon the value of the food stuff. So 5 becomes 25 becomes 250 becomes a thousand...
And this thing had like 50 ingredients. And the stack of goods produced seems to also be dependent on the number of ingredients used, meaning that not only had be produced a legendary 5'000'000 $Dorf Buck$ Happy Meal, he had produced 50 of the fucking things.
This had two effects: one, we were fabulously wealthy, at least on paper or until the Dorfs ate some of the fucking Roasts. The second effect was that beasts, demons, bronze colossus (colossi?) and fucking DRAGONS are attracted to wealth like flies to shit. It was bad enough with my fucking steel industry pumping out wealth: the Roasts of Death pushed that limit - broke that limit, fucked it, snapped it like shitty knicker elastic - and summoned every single Giant Fortress Killer in the entire world in a race to see who would kill us first.
My haulers had *almost* finished scraping Cookie's final victim from the blades of the Mincing Machine when I received the first - and last - unwelcome guest. Asnuv, Forgotten Beast, a giant salamander that spat webs, ate dwarfs and shat steel. The second cavern layer was still open, sealed only with a door, and the bastard tore through that shit on his way to the black cells to eat Cookie, who doubtless welcomed his and the fortresses destruction with a shit-eating grin on his face. En-route to murdering Cookie, the fucking Beast rampaged through the crypts and ate the Elf Orphan, completely ruining my long-term plans for Peace In Our Time between Dorfs and Elfkind. Up the fucking stairs it went, through the mincing machine which was still half-jammed with carpenter guts and straight into the counter charge of my military who ran at it in a straight fucking line, headfirst into a literal flame-thrower of fucking webs that the thing spat. It glued them all to the walls and floors like victims in an Alien hive; all their skill, all their armour and masterwork weapons proved to be JACK SHIT, providing nothing more than a fucking speedbump as the giant salamander ground straight over the top of them.
It wasn't even killing dwarfs by the end: it looked like it was just webbing them to the walls as a tasty treat for later.
So ended the Chambers of Axes. And, despite the fucking horror and absolute RAGE I felt at the end of that fortress, a day later I'm looking back at the experience as one of the best fucking games ever, bar none. And the story is - I have come to realize - complete. The Dwarves saved the world twice: First, they killed the Necromancer, ensuring that the legions of Dead will remain exactly that: Dead. Then they took the slab with Secrets of Life and Death written on it and buried it in the deepest, shittiest stockpile in the fortress - now a dead, dusty realm of forgotten catacombs, the sole permanent resident of which is a fucking hundred foot long invincible salamander that kills literally everything on sight. Anyone that comes looking for that cursed slab at a future date is destined for a fucking at the hands of the Forgotten Beast, thus ensuring that the undead plague will never trouble the Lands of the Living again.
The world is saved, and it turns out that Cookie is the most unlikely hero of all fucking time. Hail to the Chef!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2018 17:46:25 GMT -5
So, when do you start writing the script for the next Bioware game?
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dn
Body Count: 02
the motherfucking darknation
Posts: 1,726
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Post by dn on Jul 23, 2018 19:01:27 GMT -5
don't think I'm oppressed enough to land a gig like that.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2018 21:00:36 GMT -5
Ah, I had forgotten they stopped caring about good writing.
Anyway, this game seems to be one of those truly rare masterpieces where great tales and stories are completely crafted before your very eyes rather than just told to you, I'll definitely try this one.
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dn
Body Count: 02
the motherfucking darknation
Posts: 1,726
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Post by dn on Jul 23, 2018 21:37:13 GMT -5
Do it mang. Make the user interface your bitch and the world is your undead oyster, because that's a fucking thing as well when a necromancer gets into your fish stockpile.
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Post by Olroda on Aug 2, 2018 14:04:20 GMT -5
Well played, dn . Very fun to read as usual. The game seems incredibly complex and reminds me of my P&P RPG days of yore. Now stop pissing about and go and write some books! My shelf needs a few.
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dn
Body Count: 02
the motherfucking darknation
Posts: 1,726
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Post by dn on Aug 7, 2018 7:51:38 GMT -5
The Great Accidental Crundle MassacreI'm getting sieged by assholes again. The fort is on lockdown, the overworld is swarming with zombies. We haven't had a supply caravan in over two years; fortunately, I am prepared this time, and the underground farms are going great guns to feed the population. The dorfs sit behind their locked door in the dark, grubbing in the dirt and gnawing on mushrooms. The undead simply will not piss off. Our military isn't quite at the level where I'm comfortable sending them up; training weapons is fine, you can level that shit up in the training rooms, but armour skill is a different matter: you need combat for that. And so I opened up the caverns, planning on predating upon the native wildlife for delicious XP. The hammerdorfs proceed to knock fuck out of all the hostiles that come creeping through the caverns. They splatter giant toads. They mulch trolls. The occasional blind cave ogre gets battered. And, sometimes, we get roving migration waves of crundles. Huge packs of them. Now, I'm not 100% sure what the fuck a crundle is. I think it's a sort of cave troglodyte - small, wiry, claws and teeth and loincloth. And normally the family groups pass through the cavern, take one look at the hammerdorfs, and walk in the other direction as fast as their crundly legs can carry them. So I never killed any. Until about 15 of them got themselves stuck in one of the corners and I thought, "balls to innocent life, I needs my XP". This was a gargantuan tactical error. The first five died in the initial charge. Upstairs, in the fortress proper, the Patent Dorf Artificial Stupidity kicked in: information passes through the hyperverse and into Dorf brains, poor, neglected Dorfs, sad Dorfs whose clothes are beginning to go moldy thanks to the protracted siege and no leather supplies. Suddenly they *know* - down in the caverns, 5 crundle loincloths have suddenly become available on a first come first served basis. And so there is a stampede. 30 dorfs POUR into the caverns. Between them and the pants - dead man's pants - are more crundles, who are screeching and running this way and that in an attempt to escape the murderous hammerdorfs to their rear. The dorfs are pants-crazed, they attack and kill the crundles, who drop MOAR PANTS. And then the final crundle dies. The game, seeing dead caverns and thinking, 'lol nope' spawns in MOAR CUNDLES. One wave. Two waves. Fuck it, the entire crundle civilization is passing through. The Dorfs simply won't stop killing them. It's a fucking massacre. Finally, the crundles hit the extinction limit, forcing the game to spawn in non-crundle related lifeforms: it settles on blind cave ogres and trolls, who wander through the middle of the massacre and promptly pull the heads off my head farmer and my chief mechanic. Now the dorfs are running about like panicked crundles. Cookie 2.0 and his fellows from the kitchen are dragging corpses up the stairs and into the kitchen because fuck mushrooms yo. My hammerdorfs have killed so many crundles that they are fucking exhausted and keep on falling over, leaving the ogres to rampage through the civilians. I'm trying to slam the fucking door shut to keep them out but the door is jammed with bits of dead crundle. And then the miasma bomb goes off. 90 crundle corpses, all killed within a mere minute of each other, simultaneously decompose and turn rotten. A fucking MUSHROOM CLOUD of miasma billows out of the caverns and up the central staircase. END RESULT: well, everyone has more XP, except for the dead ones. The fortress is covered in stinking guts, the result of dorfs hauling corpses to the butchery and dropping them when they spontaneously turned rotten. There is vomit everywhere. My techie is dead. My brewer cum farmer is dead, which is GREAT NEWS in the middle of a siege. Everyone has pants again. Oh, and Cookie II excelled himself. Looks like meat's back on the menu, boys!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 7, 2018 22:52:54 GMT -5
It seems crundles are now confirmed to be a worthy successor to the dodo, so they have that at least.
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dn
Body Count: 02
the motherfucking darknation
Posts: 1,726
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Post by dn on Aug 8, 2018 0:45:33 GMT -5
That's it. I'm fucking locking the caverns. Non-meat Forgotten Beasts are mostly fucking terrifying. Let's review this particular piece of shit who convinced me that it is time to lock the caverns forever and ever. First off, Amber. Fossilized amber. So swords are out, they don't work. And it has no organs, meaning that to kill the bastard thing you have to smash it with hammers, break it into itty-bitty amber chunks, kill it from the kneecaps up. Because - don't be fooled - it says 'humanoid' in the discription, but it neglects to mention that the fucking thing is 20 feet tall. Fortunately I have had 3 legendary hammerdorfs, so kneecapping it is not a problem. And it comes wandering through the caverns enshrouded in a foul cloud of poison. And the effects are procedurally generated, so you don't know exactly what the poison cloud does until something is exposed to it. Attempts to herd the Emergency Ration Cats into the cavern failed, mainly because cats aren't fucking stupid. And it was getting waaaaay too close to the central staircase, meaning I had to YOLO the bastard with my precious and much beloved hammerdorfs. Take a second to guess what the poison cloud consisted of. Go on. I'll wait 'til you have an answer. *drumroll* HYDROCHLORIC ACID! Yes, that's right bob, tell them what they've won! Everyone melts! Now, credit where credit is due, they managed to kill the fucking thing whilst quite literally melting to death. Then the syndrome's second effect kicked in, which was instantaneous necrosis of the affected flesh. Which was all of it. All of the flesh. Have you ever seen aircraft fly overhead, leaving contrails of differently coloured smoke? Maybe red white and blue to celebrate independence day, or the Red Arrows, or something like that? Well, now my three hammerdorfs formed their own synchronized miasma team, charging through the fortress leaving trails of choking purple rot behind them and screaming horribly whilst their skin sloughed off. END RESULT: They lived. But they wish they hadn't. They have no face left. Their eyeballs have melted out of their skulls, meaning they are blind. I'd like to tell you that they are now Blind Kung Fu Hammer Masters, that their lack of eyes (and, for the most part, faces) have only made them stronger, that their other senses have picked up the slack and they - like bats - now kill by radar: this, alas, would be a lie. And so we settle into another two year training cycle to get their replacements up to speed. I hope nothing else hap... Top kek game. Top kek.
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dn
Body Count: 02
the motherfucking darknation
Posts: 1,726
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Post by dn on Aug 9, 2018 0:44:37 GMT -5
Frosty the snowman is no more. His wings, strangely enough, were not made of snow... I know this because his corpse was nothing more than a puddle of water with two vestigial, inorganic wings poking out of it. I did a quick XML dump of the world's population. It's... interesting. Civilized World Population
395 Dwarves 27 Humans 2 Elves 2178 Goblins
Total: 2602
Sites
1: Akon Komu, "The Shadows of Cherishing", cave 1 hydra 5 elk birds 448 cave spiders 454 bats 2: Bebmalobot Dum Vir, "Glencrack the Mouth of Humility", cave 1 cyclops 5 giant moles 477 cave spiders 405 cave swallows 3: Sethesanene, "Packecho", cave 4: N„r†blel, "Rawnessbusts", fortress Owner: The Unbridled Stake, dwarves Parent Civ: The Spears of Cloistering, dwarves 74 dwarves 73 goblins 12 dogs 13 cats 13 mules 13 horses 8 pigs 8 chickens 8 ducks 8 geese 8 guineafowls 8 blue peafowls 8 turkeys 3 goblin visitors 5: Arstrukgoslust, "Demonblots", dark fortress Owner: The Hardy Hell, goblins Parent Civ: The Tick of Assemblies, goblins lady: Kogan Glovedquakes, dwarf 1795 goblins 3 humans 1 dwarf 1 wolf devil 447 trolls 447 beak dogs 24 goblin outcasts 2 human outcasts 1 dwarf prisoner 6: Rametuthi, "Balancesable", forest retreat 7: Furiimbo, "Kisstone", hamlet 8: Arbanbufut, "Cradletusk", vault Owner: The Test of Patterns, 25 Protected Angels 50 Okosh's Minions 1 Ruination of Okosh 9: Keskalast, "Shootsabre", hillocks Owner: The West Razor, dwarves Parent Civ: The Spears of Cloistering, dwarves 9 dwarves 6 humans 39 goblins 10: Raniyathithu, "Subtlesnarled", forest retreat 11: Lebaratheg, "Plainsdriven", hamlet 12: Obaspnguslu, "Pearlterrors", dark pits Owner: The Hot Midnight, goblins Parent Civ: The Tick of Assemblies, goblins 73 goblins 1 dwarf 1 goblin outcast 13: Bemos, "Weredied", dark pits Owner: The Ashen Hate, goblins Parent Civ: The Tick of Assemblies, goblins lady: Asno Scorpionrivers, goblin 54 goblins 3 goblin outcasts 14: L–ritmedtob, "Spinesblockades", hillocks Owner: The Worthy Girder, dwarves Parent Civ: The Spears of Cloistering, dwarves 6 humans 27 dwarves 30 goblins 15: Omonapsong, "Realmgoat", hamlet 16: Smobgozru, "Conjurehells", dark pits Owner: The Ghoul of Froth, goblins Parent Civ: The Tick of Assemblies, goblins 61 goblins 1 elf outcast 1 goblin outcast 17: Oltarlir, "Giltclimax", hillocks Owner: The Trustworthy Corridor, dwarves Parent Civ: The Spears of Cloistering, dwarves 95 dwarves 24 goats 26 donkeys 22 dogs 19 blue peafowls 19 guineafowls 18: Astgeth, "Sabrepast", hillocks Owner: The Flaxen Menace, goblins Parent Civ: The Tick of Assemblies, goblins overlord: Asesm Bitecracked, goblin 7 goblins 70 dwarves 19 cats 19 water buffalos 19 rabbits 19 alpacas 19 blue peafowls 19 yaks 19 goats 19 ducks 19 llamas 19 dogs 19 geese 10 sheep 19 chickens 350 horses 19: Solozsodel, "Worshippedshields", tower Owner: The Vault of Liberties, dwarves Parent Civ: The Spears of Cloistering, dwarves administrator: `Smasher' Inkedstreams, dwarf 9 dwarves 20: Asmurpapos, "Graspingspires", tomb 1 human 21: Arthangethac, "Spinecaves", lair 22: Asungogngo Ogusploz, "Bentmines the Portentous Scar", lair 1 giant bat 23: Usmokoxut, "Fieryshafts", lair 1 troll 24: Lith‚me Yupe, "The Night of Pulling", lair 2 trolls 25: Ramafensast Ilre Dahbul, "Freescar the Tongs of Rampages", lair 1 cave dragon 26: Rushanoce, "Caverndust", lair 1 gloom troll 27: Rofelathateme, "Fataltunnel", lair 1 gloom troll 28: Rethinula, "Deathburials", lair 1 moon troll 29: Omsossut, "Umbrabones", lair 1 gloom creature 30: –strurustu, "The Dead Fate", lair 1 night woman 31: Ayanuac¡, "Abyssfaint", lair 1 dusk ogress 32: Bekor Disem, "The Twilight of Dusks", lair 1 dark man 33: Cishsath, "The Ashen Skull", lair 1 dusk ogress 34: Eddudurr‹th, "Obeyedscar", lair 1 troll 35: Disemdonu, "Duskburial", lair 1 dark man 36: Lomothgujeg, "Tombstunnel", lair 1 moon troll 37: Omsosura, "Umbradeaths", lair 1 gloom creature 38: Tuthil•mifo, "The Sable Crypt", lair 1 night woman 39: Rethinula, "Diedburies", lair 1 starved freak 40: Unuuno, "Skullsburials", lair 1 vile crone 41: Bothonr†sh, "The Murky Death", lair 1 gloom troll 42: Ithe˜i Sali, "The Prestige of Searching", lair 1 ettin 43: Gamogujeg Uja Disem, "Gravetunnels the Urns of Dusk", lair 1 starved freak 44: Sutarsedme, "Fatedmurk", lair 1 vile crone 45: Bothonngal k N”kor Ibruk, "Murkyabyss the Dead of Ash", lair 1 gloom troll 46: Ac¡ome, "The Faint Skulls", lair 1 moon creature 47: Shedim¢d Ibrukanan, "Shadowtunnels the Ashen Night", lair 1 night woman 48: Omsosgujeg, "Umbraltunnels", lair 1 moon troll 49: Oce Rushan, "The Dust of Caverns", lair 1 dusk ogress 50: Gotzut“sp Spos Rustu, "Necrotunnels the Abyss of Fate", lair 1 starved freak 51: Nirgujeg, "Necrotunnels", lair 1 gloom creature 52: Galelrakbin Ewomedri, "Squidhides the Sunken Rag", shrine 1 hill titan 53: Arido Raneci, "The Hero of Leading", shrine 1 bronze colossus 54: Bidokfikod, "Actedglazed", fortress Owner: The Scholarly Crypts, dwarves Parent Civ: The Spears of Cloistering, dwarves 47 dwarves 2 dogs 2 goats 1 sheep 4 cats 1 guineafowl 1 pig
Outdoor Animal Populations (Including Undead) 828 giant chinchillas 252 chinchilla men 1044 chinchillas 540 giant wolverines 684 giant hoary marmots 684 hoary marmots 684 giant mountain goats 180 mountain goat men 252 yetis 180 wombat men 1044 wombats 288 bobcat men 540 giant coyotes 324 wolverine men 396 wolverines 360 hoary marmot men 1080 mountain goats 972 yaks 3813 peregrine falcons 704 aardvarks 297 giant impalas 66 impala men 165 impalas 608 giant jackals 22 giant ocelots 640 giant hyenas 160 hyena men 384 hyenas 350 giant mongooses 175 mongoose men 120 giant adders 37 adder men 625 gigantic tortoises 200 giant tortoise men 750 giant tortoises 175 giraffe men 575 giraffes 960 giant rhinoceroses 224 rhinoceros men 286 giant gazelles 88 gazelle men 160 giant cheetahs 320 cheetahs 224 giant lions 160 lions 320 warthog men 12 emu men 48 kakapo men 99 ostrich men 282 leopard men 448 cougar men 800 giant aardvarks 192 aardvark men 500 giant pangolins 202 pangolin men 663 pangolins 192 jackal men 512 jackals 110 ocelot men 256 giant monitor lizards 224 monitor lizards 375 mongooses 467 ibexes 1632 rattlesnakes 104 giant hares 120 giant skunks 1221 skunks 48 porcupine men 1647 porcupines 42 echidna men 1242 echidnas 84 adders 1556 kangaroos 1287 coyotes 2120 wild boars 32 hedgehog men 644 hamster men 1367 giant skinks 648 giant lizards 292 muskoxen 512 giant honey badgers 192 honey badger men 729 honey badgers 700 giant giraffes 928 rhinoceroses 355 vultures 264 gazelles 192 cheetah men 95 giant leopards 125 leopards 256 lion men 800 giant warthogs 864 warthogs 150 giant groundhogs 215 cougars 1730 giant beetles 715 giant roaches 588 giant flies 266 fly men 1589 rabbits 768 cavies 1556 giant slugs 3896 giant mantises 510 giant bark scorpions 342 grasshopper men 294 moth men 929 eagles 380 great horned owl men 2987 kestrels 229 giant cockatiels 2046 giant wrens 1358 giant kakapo 2138 kakapo 228 barn owl men 2531 barn owls 3291 giant sparrows 161 giant ravens 440 giant crows 269 giant ostriches 285 ostriches 52 kiwis 58 cardinal men 3 giant bobcats 28 gray langurs 5 desert tortoise men 1254 dingoes 1639 giant dingoes 29 jaguar men 18 jaguars 137 two-humped camels 584 squid men 438 nautilus men 1460 frill sharks 1169 giant albatrosses 324 giant penguins 73 sea serpents 1168 gigantic squids 440 sea otters 730 giant nautiluses 540 giant harp seals 180 harp seal men 360 harp seals 540 giant elephant seals 126 elephant seal men 288 elephant seals 1241 giant sperm whales 511 sperm whale men 1241 sperm whales 25112 giant horseshoe crabs 366 horseshoe crab men 23798 horseshoe crabs 25112 giant sponges 657 sponge men 1752 giant orcas 438 orca men 1606 orcas 1241 giant cuttlefish 438 cuttlefish men 234 giant leopard seals 144 leopard seal men 324 leopard seals 1242 giant crabs 657 crab men 20805 crabs 1387 giant octopuses 657 octopus men 6643 octopuses 342 giant narwhals 144 narwhal men 324 narwhals 2263 bluefin tuna 231 great barracudas 1860 halibut 990 marlins 990 swordfish 1485 ocean sunfish 1650 bluefish 330 giant groupers 1210 opah 1302 cod 319 milkfish 1178 conger eels 1240 sturgeons 264 coelacanths 242 stingrays 264 manta rays 1595 common skates 1155 angelsharks 935 hammerhead sharks 1168 blue sharks 220 whitetip reef sharks 209 blacktip reef sharks 286 bull sharks 187 tiger sharks 1320 longfin mako sharks 1155 shortfin mako sharks 1276 nurse sharks 748 basking sharks 165 whale sharks 880 spotted wobbegongs 990 spiny dogfish 825 great white sharks 1798 sea lampreys 414 giant walruss 90 walrus men 432 walruses 792 giant moon snails 308 moon snail men 657 albatross men 1102 albatrosses 1095 giant ospreys 365 osprey men 1972 ospreys 540 giant puffins 162 puffin men 702 puffins 162 penguin men 288 emperor penguins 540 little penguins 540 penguins 102 giant lion tamarins 54 lion tamarin men 90 giant tapirs 60 tapir men 162 tapirs 54 python men 120 pythons 78 giant bushmasters 42 bushmaster men 132 bushmasters 120 giant aye-ayes 30 aye-aye men 108 aye-ayes 21 giant sloth bears 35 sloth bear men 14 sloth bears 105 giant black mambas 35 black mamba men 133 black mambas 234 giant spider monkeys 36 spider monkey men 228 spider monkeys 105 giant sloths 63 sloth men 294 giant capuchins 70 capuchin men 14 ocelots 133 giant king cobras 70 king cobra men 84 king cobras 63 monitor lizard men 231 giant coatis 54 copperhead snakes 22 bobcats 60 giant koalas 30 koala men 40 sasquatches 24 flying squirrel men 40 chipmunk men 88 giant red squirrels 20 red squirrel men 96 giant gray squirrels 36 gray squirrel men 70 giant iguanas 70 iguana men 126 giant anoles 63 anole men 42 chameleon men 112 giant armadillos 63 armadillo men 126 armadillos 294 black-crested gibbons 264 white-browed gibbons 198 bilous 192 pileated gibbons 174 silvery gibbons 156 gray gibbons 234 black-handed gibbons 138 siamangs 270 orangutans 186 gorillas 180 bonobos 204 chimpanzees 198 giant mandrills 30 mandrill men 204 mandrills 14 giant tigers 63 tiger men 14 tigers 14 giant jaguars 119 giant elephants 63 elephant men 210 elephants 52 giant red pandas 24 red panda men 32 moose men 36 badger men 12 pandas 24 raccoon men 80 raccoons 72 giant deer 40 deer men 126 blue peafowls 30 brown recluse spider men 143 giant jumping spiders 154 giant grasshoppers 168 giant masked lovebirds 63 masked lovebird men 210 giant hornbills 63 hornbill men 105 hornbills 54 lorikeet men 162 giant grey parrots 48 grey parrot men 108 grey parrots 147 giant parakeets 35 parakeet men 162 giant cassowaries 54 cassowary men 15 oriole men 28 grizzly bear men 267 black bear men 78 giant pythons 112 sloths 196 capuchins 81 koalas 63 iguanas 222 white-handed gibbons 104 giant moose 8 gigantic pandas 56 giant foxes 438 foxes 68 grizzly bears 60 giant brown recluse spiders 120 giant lorikeets 162 cassowaries 90 giant orioles 78 desert tortoises 30 gila monsters 85 turkeys 833 wolves 114 hare men 312 wild boar men 80 elk men 144 giant muskoxen 72 muskox men 260 rhesus macaque men 1300 rhesus macaques 468 monarch butterfly men 780 giant eagles 260 eagle men 780 giant magpies 40 cockatiel men 957 giant emus 1404 giant barn owls 56 white stork men 297 kea men 456 giant grackles 190 grackle men 468 worm men 343 giant wolves 99 giant cougars 1092 giant opossums 1239 giant wombats 48 ibex men 2150 weasels 513 hares 330 giant kingsnakes 880 kingsnakes 1508 giant echidnas 748 giant hedgehogs 1661 giant hamsters 607 rat men 312 skink men 232 giant elk 136 elk 1575 badgers 513 giant buzzards 171 buzzard men 399 buzzards 312 groundhog men 1404 groundhogs 236 wolf men 1768 giant rhesus macaques 708 giant fireflies 1511 giant monarch butterflies 323 horses 1271 giant snails 260 jumping spider men 1726 giant mosquitos 312 mosquito men 1846 giant thrips 1185 giant lice 1341 giant ticks 871 giant moths 1009 giant great horned owls 963 great horned owls 312 kestrel men 1144 giant peach-faced lovebirds 528 emus 468 wren men 553 white storks 952 kea 312 raven men 18072 ravens 1744 giant cardinals 1584 giant bluejays 312 bluejay men 7 vulture men 19 giant two-humped camels 6 two-humped camel men 17 giant one-humped camels 6 giant gila monsters 14 giant leopard geckos 8 leopard gecko men 8 louse men 10 bark scorpion men 374 dingo men 43 one-humped camels 104 ducks 147 alligators 12 nightwings 15 giant ibexes 19 giant chameleons 16 giant vultures 9 one-humped camel men 10 gila monster men 10 giant desert tortoises 162 kingsnake men 270 giant raccoons 270 kiwi men 54 giant grizzly bears 584 opossums 135 coati men 216 weasel men 674 giant rattlesnakes 251 rattlesnake men 1026 giant gray langurs 561 giant porcupines 243 coyote men 888 giant wild boars 324 giant flying squirrels 432 giant chipmunks 405 moose 378 giant badgers 162 fox men 873 deer 54 giant black bears 279 firefly men 189 beetle men 302 roach men 189 mantis men 405 giant bushtits 270 bushtit men 243 sparrow men 540 giant kea 783 giant kiwis 41 giant peregrine falcons 249 peregrine falcon men 7 opossum men 25 giant weasels 5 skunk men 10 gray langur men 18 giant kangaroos 10 kangaroo men 5 lizard men 10 snail men 24 giant kestrels 9 magpie men 6 peach-faced lovebird men 10 crow men 5 slug men 348 geese 192 swans 238 giant copperhead snakes 112 copperhead snake men 112 green tree frog men 112 capybara men 378 giant capybaras 49 giant alligators 63 alligator men 266 giant green tree frogs 421 capybaras 112 thrips men 126 tick men 350 giant white storks 3 lynx 16 stoats 9 black bears 44 coatis 23 reindeer 52413 two-legged rhino lizards 28808 lungfish 22558 hedgehogs 62118 hamsters 40861 rats 17817 chameleons 53002 skinks 38357 lizards 453774 acorn flies 62805 dragonflies 39262 fireflies 57057 monarch butterflies 50727 large roaches 682525 flies 17680 jumping spiders 565845 mosquitos 5120 mantises 62871 damselflies 22760 magpies 5661 cockatiels 60853 wrens 50481 sparrows 28374 crows 7277 grackles 33557 cardinals 29512 blue jays 70264 toads 2783 leopard geckos 19126 squids 4092 sea nettle jellyfish 21018 mackerel 21120 flounders 25482 sole 3642 white-spotted puffers 5433 glasseye 19471 seahorses 25544 hake 20832 steelhead trout 23936 anchovies 25792 shads 39680 herrings 11968 spotted ratfish 24916 thornback rays 27185 bat rays 19492 brook lampreys 23622 hagfish 4072 clownfish 20812 salmon 35259 nautiluses 35916 cuttlefish 1542 lion tamarins 1756 fox squirrels 789 brown recluse spiders 2177 masked lovebirds 2874 lorikeets 2296 parakeets 10896 flying squirrels 1284 chipmunks 10489 red squirrels 3304 anoles 1528 bushtits 1200 orioles 1458 bark scorpions 37719 green tree frogs 46994 moths 29394 peach-faced lovebirds 23140 moghoppers 48248 pond turtles 4906 pixies 290 fluffy wamblers 3880 blood gnats 458 knuckle worms 423 demon rats 13311 gray squirrels 3624 red-winged blackbirds Unnumbered worms Unnumbered snails Unnumbered beetles Unnumbered slugs Unnumbered thrips Unnumbered lice Unnumbered ticks Unnumbered oysters Unnumbered mussels Unnumbered moon snails Unnumbered bumblebees Unnumbered honey bees Unnumbered ants Unnumbered termites
Underground Animal Populations (Including Undead) 42345 flesh balls 1080 mud men 4175 giant olms 4930 pond grabbers 54333 crundles 4567 giant cave toads 3586 cave crocodiles 3059 gorlaks 4138 blood men 515 cave dragons 74768 creeping eyes 6095 maneras 1708 trolls 1944 blind cave ogres 2678 reachers 711 giant cave spiders 180 gremlins 3378 giant cave swallows 3202 giant rats 4654 bugbats 2296 giant bats 28005 hungry heads 5925 plump helmet men 74376 cave blobs 632 naked mole dogs 513 large rats 681 giant moles 794 elk birds 1342 rutherers 1194 green devourers 1020 dralthas 646 troglodytes 6781 magma men 6110 fire imps 5406 fire men 8407 magma crabs Unnumbered fire phantoms Unnumbered mongoose devils Unnumbered devils of snow Unnumbered olivine demons Unnumbered horned monsters Unnumbered lizard devils Unnumbered skinless fiends Unnumbered mahogany brutes Unnumbered fiends of brine Unnumbered gray spirits Unnumbered three-eyed brutes Unnumbered lizard monsters Unnumbered shade brutes Unnumbered black demons Unnumbered armadillo brutes Unnumbered demons of aquamarine 39245 cave spiders 81157 olms 102774 cap hoppers 91883 cave lobsters 85034 cave fish 69339 creepy crawlers 58284 purring maggots 100721 cave swallows 81971 bats 121517 fire snakes
Elves are, for all intents and purposes, extinct. There are two left; one "outcast" grubbing in a goblin pit and the other one is absent from the lists, leading me to the conclusion that it has been vampirised or some shit. Undead don't appear on the civilization lists, but there are plenty of undead elf zombies wandering the map, as I will attest to shortly.
Humanity has, likewise, been subjugated. Even assuming future wars don't wipe them out, I seriously doubt there are enough breeding pairs left to keep the species alive. This is annoying, because it means both 'trading' civilizations are in no fucking position to be doing any trading.
Dorfkind isn't looking great either. The goblins outnumber us 5-1, the great tower to the south containing roughly 2000 of the fuckers with attendant trolls and other nastiness. It's bloody Mordor down there. Worse, any overt military moves on my behalf will have catastrophic consequences for my own civilization: Goblins have become integrated into our society; if (when) war breaks out between the nation states, we'll have civil war in the Dorf cities even before the fight moves south. Worse, if (when) the goblins declare war on us, we'll have a sieging army outside the gates and goblin civilians inside the gates.
Plus, y'know, the whole undead thing. That needs dealt with immediately.
This world is infested with crundles. Turns out that a local extinction event isn't the same thing a a world wide one, heh. The fucking things breed like wildfire. It only took three years before their population in the caverns had returned to normal. What *is* looking more likely is the local extinction of trolls, naked mole dogs and blind cave ogres. Y'know, the natural predators of crundles.
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dn
Body Count: 02
the motherfucking darknation
Posts: 1,726
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Post by dn on Aug 9, 2018 10:20:14 GMT -5
The second necromancer siege finds us in a... questionable condition. Now, swordsmen are useless against the undead; chopping bits from living foes is an efficient way of killing, but with zombies it’s a different matter. A chop, a slash, a severed limb: these will kill a normal foe, but all it does during a siege of the undead is multiply the number of enemies you must face. A severed arm comes back from the dead in a concerted attempt to strangle you; a severed head flies into the air and ends up sitting in a tree, laughing and chuntering and giving endless cancellation spam from frightened tree-fellers. No, far better to equip everyone with maces and hammers. Think of the zombie as a kinda ambulatory sack of bone and meat: now think of the zombie - post-hammering - as a kind of bean-bag filled with chipped bones and gruel. Undead 101. Alas, then, that my hammer squad were all now blind and sans face. Legendary in skill, piss-poor in the eyesight department. The sword squad were, on the other hand, tip top, and I figured a mass charge was in order to teach the undead zombie bastards a lesson. *** The necromancers were the first to die, funnily enough.
They arrived before the undead and – stealth mode engaged – attempted to infiltrate my fort. The standard necro tactic is to get inside and into the corpse / refuse pile, the place where you store all the bones and other shit that is a natural by-product of food production. They will go crazy raising undead zombie cattle and shit, ruining your fort from the inside. Then, suddenly, ZOMBIES – you are fucked both on the inside and out.
This was one of those rare instances of shit happening in real time that I witnessed; I had placed blind-hammerdorfs in the training room that leads into the fort, because dorfs don’t like sunlight very much and blind dorfs are less likely to complain about it. I had actually forgotten about the possibility of infiltrators, creatures that don’t show up on your map screen until they are detected by one of your own troops.
Apparently the whole detection thing is based entirely upon eyeballs. Fortunately – because I am a belt and braces kinda guy – the Infamous Darknation Deathroller trap was set up behind the trade depot & the Mr Magoo training room. And, by sheer coincidence, I was farting about with the corpse stockpile at the exact moment that three necromancers walked straight past my blind hammerdorfs and straight into the mincing machine, exploding in a cataclysm of gore and drenching everything in blood.
It's a queer thing, the ASCII graphics; occasionally they look fucking spectacular. This was one of these occasions: when the necromancer hit the trap quarter of the screen was suddenly drenched in blood and vitae for no discernible reason. Then, because an exploding corpse is apparently difficult to ignore, the other two necromancers became visible to both me and the hammerdorfs, who crushed the bastards into paste.
Suddenly, the siege tag activates. Roughly 25 undead + two apprentices – one of whom was a Giant Tortoise Man – descend from the hills to fuck my fortress over. Closing the doors is not an option: they are jammed with dead necromancer guts, because I was stupid and put the necromancer gut-spraying machine right in front of the doors. I tell the blind hammerdorfs to charge up the hill and into the oncoming horde; hopefully, they will act as a speedbump, allowing my swordsdorf squad – y’know, the one that still has eyes – enough time to run up the central staircase from the caverns and out into the daylight.
And so they charged into the breach, the glorious bastards: 3 blind dwarves and 5 who could see. Up the stairs the swordsdorfs came whilst the blind dudes staggered this way and that in the general direction they were sent. And then the swordsdorfs cleared the stairs, sped past the bumbling hammerdorfs, entered the melee without support and the zombies killed them. Guide dogs. Guide dogs need to be a thing in Dwarf Fortress. I shall message the creator personally about this issue.
And so the fortress was fucked, the only thing that stood between us and doom was the Stevie Wonder Squad. And on they rolled towards the zombie horde whilst dwarves with buckets and mops desperately attempted to clear the mince from out of the door hinges to allow us to, you know, actually lock the fucking doors. The two lines finally crashed. Zombies zomed. Hammerdorfs hammered, but only if they got zomed on first. And then, like some monumental blind steamroller, the hammerdorfs rolled up the flank, rolled up the middle, rolled up the other flank and then - having killed everything on the map - wandered off in the wrong direction looking for something to eat for dinner.
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dn
Body Count: 02
the motherfucking darknation
Posts: 1,726
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Post by dn on Aug 9, 2018 11:51:49 GMT -5
Why we livedThe sworddorfs really softened the bastards up. They didn’t kill anything, but they chopped them into manageable chunks. Steel armour, unquestionably. The hammerdorfs were clad in steel, the swordsdorfs were outfitted in bronze. I really, really went all out in the early year of the fort trying to get as much steel produced as possible and I think I managed four complete suits. You need iron, charcoal, flux stone to make pig iron, then pig iron + coke to make steel. Bronze is a one stage (copper + tin ore) job that, when done well, is just as sharp and strong as iron and trains your armourers faster, because you are churning out armour like nobodies business. Better armourers = better quality armour. I think what really helped was the blindness, strangely enough. Dorfs who see undead freak out – they panic, they run in circles, they cower on the ground and die horrible deaths. Blind dorfs, on the other hand, seem to be immune to the horror of seeing the dead march towards them. They have to strike second, of course, because they have zero initiative, but when they are legendary hammerdorfs… well, striking second = striking last. Why we wish we didn’tMy entire military is fucked. The swordsdorf that survived was partially eaten and traumatized by the undead; he spent the next three months threatening to go fucking mental and then – when he finally *did* go mental – murdered my steel armourer in a tantrum. Now, I have learned a valuable lesson from the whole Cookie debacle; when a dorf goes bad, you either station him beneath a drawbridge and pull the lever, or you attempt to engender a Honourable Death for the fucker. Now, with the advent of the Civilizations sub-screen, there is the option of sending armies of your dwarves off-site to raid and pillage the enemy. Or you can make a squad consisting on a single dwarf and wave him bon voyage on a suicide quest. I call it the Long Walk, because Judge Dredd is fucking awesome. The dwarf, having reached the end of his useful service, is sent into the wastes, bringing law to the lawless, wandering until death. In retrospect this was a mistake; bear in mind that the dead don’t stay dead in this world. Urist McSwordsdorf will return; much like the undead Arnold Schwarzenegger of ancient proverb, he will be back. The hammerdorfs were the next to spaz out. One of them went nuts and put my scholar in traction for six months. Two of the three were going berserk at regular intervals; and so I opened the civ window, clicked the necromancer’s tower, had them pack their bags and told them to conquer the site or die trying. One of them was in hospital at the time because a sparring session had gotten... heated. So only two of the war-blind went on the Long Walk. They traveled to the Necromancer’s tower, they broke down the front door and they murdered everyone inside, because WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS UP WITH THESE DWARVES. I now owned a Necromancer’s tower as a kinda subsidiary enterprise to my main fortress. This odd state of affairs lasted for about three and a half minutes, because yet another border war broke out and I lost the Necromancer’s tower, possibly to goblins. The above is the best-case scenario; the other possibility is much, much worse. And more likely, because I am technically at peace with the goblin civilization. There is a chance that the Blindy McAnger Twins have gone rogue and become necromancers themselves. If the tablet of Life and Death that resides in the tower is written in brail then I am well and truly fucked. *** The third blind dwarf is surprisingly chill about the whole thing. Once she got out of the hospital (and I had realized the colossal, terrible error I had made re: The Long Walk) she retired from the military, partied hard in the tavern, got drunk as fuck and woke up in the morning to find that she was now Baroness of the fortress. Old Basher, upon her elevation to the nobility, immediately issued a mandate forbidding the export of crutches, presumably because once she breaks a goblin’s legs she wants them to stay broken. *** Artefact of the week. Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, fuck your wife on a bed made from their corpses.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 9, 2018 12:21:26 GMT -5
I'm getting the distinct impression that legendary hammer dwarves in steel armour are somewhat unstoppable. Particularly when they're blind, disfigured and losing their grip on sanity. The fact that they're basically impossible to throw away and may now be rogues in charge of an army of darkness is something to be afraid of.
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dn
Body Count: 02
the motherfucking darknation
Posts: 1,726
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Post by dn on Aug 10, 2018 0:42:15 GMT -5
This does indeed seem to be the case. The problem isn't killing shit; the problem is getting them to stop killing shit. They come home from the war with PTSD and go full animal-mother on their fellow dorfs. So, with that in mind, I trained a full squad of ten of the bastards, because we have reached the end game. That whole civil war / gates of Angband opening thing that I was worried about? The worst case scenario? Yeah, turns out I was thinking small. This ridiculous piece of shit just triggered the second Great War. The mountain homes have fallen, as evidenced by sudden PROMOTIONS! in my own ranks. The king is dead: as is customary in this case, that single molecule of nobility zipped across the map at the speed of light and BAM, long live the king, build some royal apartments sucker, ps - here's all the production mandates in the world. And here's where we stand, in regards to Dorf Power: 55 dorfs vs the apocalypse.
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dn
Body Count: 02
the motherfucking darknation
Posts: 1,726
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Post by dn on Mar 20, 2020 12:37:59 GMT -5
Whelp, I'm under quarantine. And the new DF version is released.
Prepare your anuses people. DN-DF 2020 is coming. This will be the most epic season yet.
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40oz
diRTbAg
Posts: 5,535
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Post by 40oz on Mar 20, 2020 15:53:34 GMT -5
ho boy
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Mar 24, 2020 21:24:56 GMT -5
Hype train boarded
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dn
Body Count: 02
the motherfucking darknation
Posts: 1,726
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Post by dn on Mar 30, 2020 14:11:22 GMT -5
This is Cogmeban, aka: "Bootstreams". The site contains a fairly typical Death Chasm opposite a small river. Remembering our problems in previous forts, re: Forgotten Beasts pissing acid into the faces of our Dorfs & homicidal chefs, I took the opportunity to channel out a sewer running from the river to the chasm: the artificial waterfall cascades right through the middle of the dining room / pub, simultaneously washing the vomit and acid off the poor Dorfs and cheering them up with a fine, calming spray of mist. Only one Dorf nearly drowned during the creation of this engineering masterpiece. He was displeased, but also managed to grind enough EXP during his near-drowning that he is the first Dorf in the history of the world that actually learned how to swim. Other noticeable features of the entrance to the fort include the ubiquitous trail of Dorf vomit coating the hallway and the standard DN-3000 Man Mincer blade trap located directly behind the trade depot. Above are The Halls Within. A new feature of Dwarf Fortress is fucking Bastards sneaking in to steal your shit. I have, after careful consideration, decided to counter this by turning our chapel - which houses a fucking Artifact Gem worth more than a thousand masterwork ☼Giraffe Steak Roasts☼ - into an actual bonafide Death Trap. God help the Kobold thief (two of which are currently located upstairs in the Corpse Stockpile) who tries to nick our shit. Rocks will fall. Everyone will die. Here we can also see the grubby hovels in which our Dorfs scratch their bollocks when off shift, the hospital staffed by the usual motley crew of cheese-makers and wood-workers. Stitches will be administered by leatherworkers: amputations will be the domain of the wood-cutter, chiefly because we only remembered to bring one axe with us. Let's have a look inside of the skull of a random Dorf. As we can see, Cookie the Third is 50% less psychotic than her immediate predecessors and will absolutely NOT be going on a MurderDeathKill rampage. We are also dealing with the problem of our Glorious Military spraying vomit all over the place every time they go outside; we are doing this by hiring human mercenaries. Our first squad is stationed in the entry hall and mostly consists of long-shanks, who - despite lacking the desired shortness and high biting stats inherent in the ethnically Dorfen - don't chunder when exposed to daylight. Finally, here we have the census of inhabitants. We've got a lot of fucking Baroness Consorts hanging about for some unknown reason: I'm sure that's because the civilization's health is fine and we're not drowning in fucking goblins, undead and refugees again. Absolutely fine.
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