dn
Body Count: 02
the motherfucking darknation
Posts: 1,726
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Brexit
Jul 9, 2018 12:35:25 GMT -5
Post by dn on Jul 9, 2018 12:35:25 GMT -5
We live in interesting times. Boris Johnson, international man of spergotry, just resigned from the cabinet. This happened 24 hours after the fucking minister for Brexit also resigned, presumably so he could spend more time counting his pubic hairs. It looks like this is either an attempt to topple the current government - May out, to be replaced by Boris' amazing clowncar of piss-drinking incompetents - or it's a tact announcement that Brexit is fucked and the architects of it was nothing to do with whatever abortion of trade deals and concessions May's team have cooked up.
It's actually looking possible that Brexit will cunt this country completely by trying us *closer* to Europe, but not in a good way. Johnson's resignation letter stated that May's trade deal would reduce England to, "...the status of a colony."
The lulz, the lulz, the lulz.
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Brexit
Jul 9, 2018 12:49:14 GMT -5
Post by Olroda on Jul 9, 2018 12:49:14 GMT -5
Do you think that you would be better off on your own as a country? Or are the local alternatives laughable in equal measure?
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dn
Body Count: 02
the motherfucking darknation
Posts: 1,726
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Brexit
Jul 9, 2018 13:21:15 GMT -5
Post by dn on Jul 9, 2018 13:21:15 GMT -5
Scotland absolutely cannot remain a part of the UK after Brexit; Westminster would pull us to pieces and sell our component parts. The other two options are Scotland in the EU or Scotland out. At this point I actually don't give a shit which one it is; figure that shit out once we actually have some sort of democratic agency.
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BIG DICK NIGGA
this post is a lie about my bodily proportions
Major Arlene obsessed, 100% verified freakazoid. AKA bzzrak
Posts: 2,294
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Brexit
Jul 9, 2018 14:23:45 GMT -5
Post by BIG DICK NIGGA on Jul 9, 2018 14:23:45 GMT -5
pull us to pieces and sell our component parts. Mind if I ask you to elaborate? I'm not really versed in UK politics because we don't really give a damn over here lol
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dn
Body Count: 02
the motherfucking darknation
Posts: 1,726
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Brexit
Jul 9, 2018 18:10:31 GMT -5
Post by dn on Jul 9, 2018 18:10:31 GMT -5
Honestly, cataloguing the sheer fucktitude would be the work of a lifetime.
POST 1 - DRAMATIS PERSONAE
Conservative / Tory Party (Lawful Evil)
Margaret Thatcher (deceased), She Bitch, The Goat With A Thousand Young. Cunt demagogue, Thatcher was the first of the Lawful Evil to figure out you can just change the Law and be as Evil as you want to avoid breaking character. Operated a creed of Privatize Everything, dismantling public services and placing them in the hands of private business: by sheer coincidence, the private companies that profited from this fire sale of the nation's inheritance just happened to be other Good Tories. Began the process of deregulation (those pesky laws again) and died a demented, piss-soaked revenant.
David Cameron - Oily cunt. Cameron was the Tories' answer to Tony Blair and inherited a party full of swivel eyed lunatics who demanded the Brexit referendum to begin with. It was his monstrous ego that lead to this current crisis: having unleashed the greatest constitutional crisis since the second world war, Cameron promptly abdicated and ran like fuck. Succeeded by: -
Theresa May - Cretin. May thinks she is Thatcher's second coming. Hates three things: the Internet, Privacy, and Boris Fucking Johnson. This is despite neither knowing nor caring how either of these three things actually work. Thinks people should have to register at their local Post Office in order to watch internet pornography. When people laughed in the sour cow's repulsive fucking face at the sheer impossibility of this idea, she retaliated by privatizing the Post Office and telling people to buy UK INTERNET PORN PASSES from Pajeet at the Corner Shop instead. Absolute fucking rocket.
Jeremy Hunt - The man with the most punchable face in politics. Hunt was tasked - as Health Secretary - with fulfilling that last and greatest Thatcherite dream, which is the privatization of the NHS. His plan was to starve the NHS of money and add so many layers of bureaucracy to the system that it would collapse, allowing his rich chums to swoop in and 'save' the NHS by buying the deliberately sabotaged sectors piecemeal. Is now Foreign Secretary, where doubtless he will attempt to privatize MI5 by selling it to the Russians.
Michael Gove - No homosexual piss-orgy is complete without him. Department of Assless Chaps & Spunk Gargling.
Boris Fucking Johnson - Dangerous cunt masquerading as an incompetent cunt. Was once caught on tape ordering a journalist's legs to be broken, an incident that has mysteriously vanished from his Wikipedia page when I went looking for it. Friends with such Eton luminaries as Darius Guppy, last seen attempting to organize a miliary coup in a banana republic after being jailed for faking a $1.5 million bullion robbery.
Fluffy Mundell - Scottish Secretary, also known as Snackbeard. His brief is to protect Scottish Devolution: he has achieved this by outsourcing power back to Westminster. : Ruth Davidson - Tank commander, lesbian, pregnant. Head of the Scottish Tories and darling of the unionist press.
Labour Party (Chaotic Stupid)
Tony Blair - Thatcher's true heir: took deregulation to it's logical extreme and crashed the fucking market. War criminal. Smiling psychopath. Successfully privatized the fucking Labour Party.
Gordon Brown - Autistic Scottish Cyclops. Sad-faced psychopath, was Tony's #2 until Tony left the fucking country to avoid any inconvenient war crimes tribunals / the fucking 2008 financial crash. Endorsed the infamous Vow during the Scottish Independence referendum, Traitor. He and his entire family line will be exterminated ad extremum fetum come the revolution.
Jeremy Corbyn - Mad, useless waste of skin. Tirelessly fights against the Tory menace by ordering his party to abstain on every single vote. Has installed more trans people into women's positions than any other politician in history: jury is out if this is because he is extra-super progressive or just blind AF. Supports Independence for Palestine, Catalonia, everyone apart from Scotland. Supports nuclear disarmament everywhere except on the Clyde.
??? - Leader of Scottish Labour. Has been in the position for six months or so and no one can remember his name.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Brexit
Jul 9, 2018 18:49:44 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Jul 9, 2018 18:49:44 GMT -5
Truly beautiful and outstanding writing!
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BIG DICK NIGGA
this post is a lie about my bodily proportions
Major Arlene obsessed, 100% verified freakazoid. AKA bzzrak
Posts: 2,294
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Brexit
Jul 10, 2018 7:16:49 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by BIG DICK NIGGA on Jul 10, 2018 7:16:49 GMT -5
^ I agree, I hope that "post 1"in the beginning implies a sequel because damn, this is incredible and almost makes me interested in UK politics (I never thought I'd ever say that)
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dn
Body Count: 02
the motherfucking darknation
Posts: 1,726
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Brexit
Jul 10, 2018 9:30:00 GMT -5
Post by dn on Jul 10, 2018 9:30:00 GMT -5
POST 2 - PRELUDE TO FUCKERY, ENGLAND, 2008
Tony Blair is in captivity. The Labour Party is at peace.
Only joking, the Labour Party is actually on fire and Tony Blair has taken all the money (in a wee Foundation, as these things are always done) and run for it. He will spend the rest of his life hiding in the Middle East, running the Tony Blair Faith Foundation - Mission Statement, To make Globalization Work for the Many, not the Few.
That is really, really the slogan on their website. I am not making that up.
Gordon Brown ate the contents of his medicine cabinet and is no longer fit for office; Prozac'd off his face, he walks away from Downing Street, having won as many elections as Sidney the Shit-Shoveller; which is to say, fucking none. New Labour are dead: their neo-liberalism has caused London to fucking melt down into the largest financial crisis since the Wall Street crash and councils have just started getting the bills for the new Private Finance Initiative infrastructure projects: turns out the interest payments from getting private companies to build schools and hospitals will take about *50 fucking years* to pay off. The private companies tasked with Making Britain Great Again decided unilaterally to take a Chinese approach to architecture and material procurement: this means that, in addition to putting and entire generation in hock to eye-watering interest payments, the PFI buildings begin to collapse just in time for the *next* general election.
Another of Labour's great innovations of this period was their solution to the West Lothian Question: the Scots were agitating for home rule, as Scots are wont to. The quote from the period is "Power devolved is power retained" - Blair & the Sainted Donald Dewar build the Scottish Executive, a satellite parliament of Westminster, in Edinburgh, and give it almost enough powers to make itself look useful. Blair buggers off back to England, Donald Dewar spends a few years as Scottish First Minister before getting drunk and falling over and killing himself with a brain hemorrhage.
His death - though quintessentially Scottish in nature - sounds the death knell of Scottish Labour. He will be replaced by a series of incrementally more useless bastards because no one of talent in the larger party wants anything to do with Scotland. It's seen as what it is, the Executive is a fob to keep the natives happy and has no *real* power. No one wants to be sent to the colonies.
Which was pretty fucking stupid, in hindsight - Glasgow is *key* to keeping Labour in power. It's a population center with more voting potential than most of England and, hilariously, it's fucking socialist. It has been this way ever since the events of Red Clydeside after the war, an event where the city nearly rose in fucking revolution and England had to invade us with fucking tanks and English troops (mainly because it was feared Scottish troops would take the side of the rebels). Ignoring Glasgow - or, more accurately, taking Glasgow for granted - is going to fuck Labour royally in the next decade.
So, Labour are out of power. Worse, they have lost their seats to a combination of Conservatives (their words - "We Do Not Sow"), Liberal Democrats (out of power since 1908 - their words, "Blowjobs for £5, a tenner for my arsehole") and the Scottish Nationalist Party (their words - "you're going home / in the back of an ambulance"). The Conservatives enter a coalition government with the Lib Dems in the first Lib Dem betrayal of the electorate - it was taken as read that the Lib Dems were a progressive, center-left party that had absolutely nothing in common with the right-wing Tories - and David Cameron promptly turns London into Mordor.
Evil seeps out and into the countryside over the next four years. Orcs burn Manchester during a friendly football match. Hobbits are raped. Students are suddenly saddled with debt (the Second Great Lib Dem Betrayal - bear in mind that students made up the overwhelming majority of the Lib Dem electorate and you can see just how mentally retarded the Dems were during this period). At some point the Scottish Executive was renamed the Scottish Parliament, because ambulances if refused. The SNP get a *slight* majority in the parliament, forcing an Independence Referendum that no one in their right mind expected to get even close to succeeding.
And then the polls come in. It is at this point that the entire fucking establishment loses it's fucking mind.
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40oz
diRTbAg
Posts: 5,535
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Brexit
Jul 10, 2018 12:24:40 GMT -5
Post by 40oz on Jul 10, 2018 12:24:40 GMT -5
Thank god this place has at least one good writer in here. Jeremy Hunt - The man with the most punchable face in politics. omfglol
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dn
Body Count: 02
the motherfucking darknation
Posts: 1,726
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Brexit
Jul 10, 2018 14:16:30 GMT -5
Post by dn on Jul 10, 2018 14:16:30 GMT -5
POST 3 - DRAMATIS PERSONAE CONT.
LIBERAL DEMOCRATS (Treachery for trechery's sake) Charles Kennedy (deceased) - Former Leader of the Scottish Dems. Successfully drank himself to death, eroded the inside of his throat over the course of a lifetime drinking whiskey mixed with pipe cleaner. The artery inside his neck was thus exposed and burst, spraying vitae in a 8ft hose all over his office. Nice guy by most accounts. Nick Clegg (might as well be) - Former Leader of the Dems. Climbed into bed with David Cameron post-election in 2010 and promptly broke every single manifesto pledge he had ever written in a desperate lunge for power. Oversaw the electoral annihilation of the Dems in the 2015 elections as a result, putting them out of contention for the next one hundred years. Currently living someplace in the outer hebrides with a goat named Paddy. SCOTTISH NATIONAL PARTY (Mostly Ginger)Alex Salmond - Hasn't drunk himself to death, although you'd be hard pressed to tell just by looking at him. Former leader of the SNP, architect of Independence, hilarious troll, caused almost as much diarrhea in Westminster as the IRA did. A man made entirely of butter. Nicola Sturgeon - Leader of the SNP, continuing the long and great tradition of Scottish nationalist leaders being named after fish for some reason. Like most Scottish women she is absolutely fucking terrifying in combat, the political equivalent of a small Jack Russel that has developed a taste for human flesh and has been trained to bite people exclusively in the balls. THE WELSH (Welshing Welshers)Lyyddrrchthchspit - Utterly inconsequential. SINN FEIN (Irish, not the IRA. Definitely not.)Gerry Adams - Not the leader of the IRA. Led Sinn Fein to electoral victory in Northern Ireland then promptly declared that the entirety of his party would never set foot inside Westminster because Fuck the English. Perhaps the only political party in the world to maintain federal power in a colony by telling the government to go and fuck itself for twenty years straight. Semtex O'Malley (deceased) - Not a member of the IRA. Memorialized in Irish pubs across the land because he Exploded for the Cause in 1979. A potent reminder of why Westminster is actually quite happy that Sinn Fein refuses to show up and vote but keeps a seat warm for them on the understanding that they will never, ever actually use it. SCOTTISH LABOUR (Branch Office)Jim Murphy - 2nd worst leader Scottish Labour have ever had. "Socialist" in the same sense that Tony Blair was, his campaigning strategy was to stand on a juice crate with a megaphone screaming at passers by. Over saw the joint celebration of the 80th year of Glasgow being under Labour control, coincidentally also marking the 80th anniversary of Glasgow being the poorest part of the UK. Joined politically with Conservatives on a joint Unionist platform because nobody ever learns and joined Nick Clegg in exile a year later, having managed the impossible feat of losing Labour the entire fucking country. Keiza Dugdale - The worst leader Scottish Labour have ever had. "Socialist" in the same sense that the average five year old is, her campaign strategy was to do exactly the same shit as Jim Murphy did and hope for a different result. Principle responsibilities included bailing liquid shit out of the Scottish Labour lounge using her bare fucking hands. Was breastfed well into her early thirties.
PART 3A - INSTITUTIONS OF NOTE, A PRIMER IN CORRUPTION
THE CONSERVATIVE PARTYBorn to rule pony-fuckers, the modern day Conservative party is a diverse melting pot of various ethnicities with a slightly higher pot of white people simmering away on a higher shelf and telling the pot of darkies what to do. There are two factions to take note of when it comes to Brexit: there is your common, generic garden variety Tory, who doesn't give a shit so long as the money is coming in and the plebs aren't revolting; and then there is the Euro-skeptic, a faction that will be henceforth referred to as the Swivel Eyed Lunatic Party. The Swivel Eyed Lunatic faction yearn for the days of Glorious Empire, when Britannia ruled the waves and the foreign Jonnies paid proper obsequence to their obvious Imperial masters. For Britain to rule in Glorious Isolation requires the collapse of the EU and perhaps another one of those spiffing World Wars that we're so bloody good at, and if the EU is to collapse, then perhaps we'd best not be in it lest it pull us down in its wake. In fact, perhaps we could help the EU to fucking implode, that would certainly speed things back up again. Tally ho by jingo bloody Indian electricians health and safety gone mad etc.
THE HOUSE OF LORDSI guess the American equivalent the the House of Lords would be the Senate, if the Senate was formed from unelected Lords that the current government frantically stocks every time it looks like they are going to get fucked over in a critical vote. Lord serve for life, there is no way of getting rid of the fuckers, there are currently over 700 of the bastards meaning we have twice as many unelected life-peers as we do elected members of Parliament. I take it back, the House of Lords has more in common with the Supreme Court. But, you know, there are 700 of them. THE BBCThe BBC is - in theory - apolitical. Its charter specifically forbids it from getting into bed with any one political party and it is meant to report on news in an impartial fashion. Unfortunately, the BBC charter turns out to be made of lies, damned lies, and fucking bullshit. The BBC has become the active propaganda arm of the British state - in truth, there isn't much evidence that it was ever anything but the propaganda arm of the British state. I'm not sure what Pajeet in India thought of the BBC World Service, but I find it doubtful that those warm, perfectly English radio voices were telling the natives about the prime minister's catastrophic erectile dysfunction, or the strip-mining of everything of worth from the UK's former colonies. The Director General of the BBC is a political animal - they have to be, being elected to the position by labyrinthine methods and are usually a close confidant to the current PM. Plus, the BBC is utterly beholden to parliament for money - if the BBC starts causing significant shit, then a motion is put forward to fuck with the license fee and charter and the BBC simply has no choice but to get back in its box and toe the party line.
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Brexit
Jul 10, 2018 15:22:17 GMT -5
Post by Olroda on Jul 10, 2018 15:22:17 GMT -5
Very uplifting write-up. I thought that things were bad where I come from, but it seems as if the world's politicians have some sort of race with one another - proving who is the biggest, most useless liar. I don't think the land that sells itself as the world's conscience qualifies for a medal yet. Not with such fine competition. The states are, of course, worse, but still. You brits do a swell job.
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dn
Body Count: 02
the motherfucking darknation
Posts: 1,726
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Brexit
Jul 10, 2018 18:15:02 GMT -5
Post by dn on Jul 10, 2018 18:15:02 GMT -5
POST 4 - BREXIT, WHY? (TORIES, ENGERLUND)
Egoes, incompetence and hubris.
For five years, the Tories were in a coalition government with the Lib Dems. The devil's bargain that the Dem's struck with David Cameron had actually turned out to be good business for the Conservatives: the Tories, being the fucking evil poor-fucking pricks that they were, could institute all the evil policies they wanted and the Lib Dems invariably acted as a lightning rod for the outrage that followed. The Dems would promise to repeal or institute a policy, the Tories would laugh in the electorate's face and decide to tax people with spare bedrooms because it's funny, the Dems would get the blame because they failed to do anything about it.
Fucking ingenious.
Cameron got somewhat attached to his pet canaries. He also had the problem of a growing resurgence of Swivel Eyed Lunatics, Tory Euroskeptics demanding that the UK hold a referendum on the EU. And Cameron was in no fucking position to refuse them: the whole Scottish referendum debacle had shaken the fucking Tories to the core: Cameron had nearly been the man who oversaw the dissolution of the United fucking Kingdom. Every time he turned around he saw Boris Fucking Johnson sharpening the knife in perpetration for the inevitable fratricide. Cameron was weak, and I have no doubt he would have been ousted if it weren't for the fact that the perennial Tory coup tends to upset the electorate if done prior to a general election.
So Cameron needed to get rid of the people threatening his premiership. He also needed to appease his coalition partners, who were beginning to get a little bit green around the gills about the whole 'betraying everything you ever stood for' thing. There was an acute chance that Nick Clegg might suddenly be tempted to grow a conscience and go into collation with fucking Labour, for christsake - clearly, something needed to be done.
CUNTS, RAMPANT
Cameron's plan was actually quite clever, and would have worked if he hadn't been sociopathicly blind to the voting intentions of the electorate. He stood Swivel Eyed Lunatics as Tory candidates in Lib Dem held boroughs, separating them from party support apparatus and thus ensuring that the Lib Dems would defeat them comfortably. He was simultaneously ridding himself of the Euroskeptics (and the people who wanted his job for themselves) and ensuring the groveling loyalty of the Liberal fags to their Tory school masters for a further five years. And he would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those meddling plebs.
The Liberal Democrats achieved their status as the third largest party at Westminster through careful grooming of select groups: Students, for the most part, though vegan lecturers and those without access to a Green candidate were also prime Liberal material. They had positioned themselves as the party of the youth - a party of protest for people who weren't 100% sure WTF there was to protest about.
Wasn't just poor students either: St. Andrews, the place where Prince fucking William went to Uni, had voted Lib Dem for an age, languishing for years under the stewardship of a man named Ming the Merciless. Funny old world.
Alas, then, for David's Cameron's plan: the students turned out to be PISSED THE FUCK OFF. In the ensuing massacre, 49 Lib Dems lost their seats. There were a grand total of 8 Lib Dems left in the entire fucking country. And - because Labour are basically incompetent - the majority of those Lib Dem seats went to the Swivel Eyed Lunatics, people placed in that position by Cameron with the express purpose of ejecting them through the airlock and out into the wilderness of electoral space. Except the Lib Dems had been ejected instead. And now David Cameron's majority depended on the support of Euroskeptics, essentially placing him in the position of having to appease the Lunatics by forming a coalition in his own fucking party.
Oh, and Scotland choose this precise moment to have their own little bonfire of the vanities. The next bus down to Westminster contained Alex Salmond, Cameron's personal nemesis, and 53 pissed off hairy Highlanders with SNP badges, grinning bloody and wearing the scalps of all the Labour MPs they had just defenestrated.
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dn
Body Count: 02
the motherfucking darknation
Posts: 1,726
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Brexit
Jul 13, 2018 12:56:15 GMT -5
Post by dn on Jul 13, 2018 12:56:15 GMT -5
POST 5 - MEANWHILE, IN SCOTLAND (PART 1, cuz longpost is long)
I have a distinct memory; I am standing in the pub, just prior to the announcement of the Scottish Independence Referendum. The air is heavy with debate - we all think we know what is coming, but the taste of uncertainly sits oddly on the Scottish palette.
Gordy is going fuckin' mental about the BBC, calling them agents of Imperialism, a bigger bunch of bastards than fucking Goebbels, the whole shebang. He sounds, quite frankly, more than a little bit deranged.
I voice the opinion that, on the whole, I quite like the BBC. The charter they run to (impartiality in all things) is agreeable, the fact that they are free from corporate influence (no adverts, natch) means that at least we had a news source that wasn't run by the fucking Murdoch empire.
Gordie laughed. He had studied the Irish situation. He *knew* what was coming.
It took about a week before I agreed with the BBC only in *theory*; I still considered the words of the charter to be a noble endeavor, but I was utterly despondent in the face of the lies, damned lies and utter propaganda being piped out of the fucking organization. After two weeks it had gone from despondency to utter rage.
I cannot overstate the sheer giggling contempt that the BBC treated Scotland to. The lies and the spin... My God, it was unbeliveable. People online was equally aghast: we watched as independence marches were decried as Nazi rallies. We watched as the fucking Orange Order (motto: Death to Catholics) was paraded as the Face of the Unionist Silent Minority. Disbelieving, we watched as the Lib Dems, Tories and Labour formed a fucking *coalition*, champagne socialists and champagne shitlords walking lockstep against even the thought of Scotland determining it's own future.
That was what did it for me. There was no debate; BBC simply never even pretended to allow a debate. One side was presented. The unionists were marched on screen for weeks at a time with no opposition and spoke utter shite about the economy, how Scotland would instantly combust if it went independent, of how the oil in our oil fields would turn to fucking water and our whiskey would turn to piss in the barrel without the beneficent oversight of our English overlords.
And the presenters nodded and grinned and said, "Yes, these are the facts. They cannot be argued with. Tell us more about how shite Scotland is."
I've used the word disbelief too often in the previous paragraphs. But it's the only word I can think of. The behavior of the BBC wasn't a redpill, it was a saturation bombardment of complete shite, it was more shite than any one person could be expected to swallow in ten thousand years. They were literally filling buses full of English party plants and driving them up here to stock the audience of Scottish Question Time. And they got caught and *kept on doing it anyway*.
Then the MSM broke electoral law and, because they are apparently part of some dark-globalist cabal alongside everyone else on the fucking Unionist side, not one outlet objected.
(Next up: THE VOW)
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