Tired of living, but not suicidal

I used question why I keep going on, why I wake up in the morning, why I eat to keep going...

I lost too much weight, I became ill, I could not sleep, I lost focus... Until now.

I have found a purpose, something I must do, it is not for my benefit, someone is need of my help and I MUST help them.

Find your purpose, do it for them.

Yeah I can definitely relate.

It just seems like a never-ending struggle to me for a while, most of the time not even paying off, without nothing new going on... I most certainly don't contemplate or consider suicide, and I'm not depressive either, but living is just so tiring and stressful nowadays... Being directionless doesn't help either...

Search for new hobbies and things to get good at. Try to learn a language, attempt to get into poetry, get yourself a pet to take care of, look for new people to communicate with. Always keep refreshing your life. The world is full of very interesting things and even if you do your best you'll only familiarize yourself with a tiny tiny part of it. How boring is it really? There is so much to do that it's hard to even choose what to do.

Eh, I myself don't really have anything that can describe "the beginning of dehprehshun" or something like that. Occasionally, however, life gets a bit too complex and too tangled up; like a pair of earphones in your pocket. If you didn't fold them right, they are going to tangle up and your listening experience would be delayed by a lot of frustrating untangling and attempts to give as less thought as possible over how to untangle them. In the end however, you do pop em up in your ears, and listen to some music right?

That is kinda my life, when it comes to it. I would carelessly fuck up something, and it would come at my head and just cause frustration, because, if I was more smarter or more cautious, I could had properly handled things in my life and they would come out untangled and tidy later when I need them. Just so it happens, my college life is like that. I don't find work as a coder or programmer to be attractive. Nor do I want to teach brats at high school stuff I usually didn't listen to when I went to high school. That is my major right now. Either, at the end of 3 years, you go work in some computer company (is it software or hardware, it's irrelevant), or you go through 2 more years and become a high school professor of math or IT or something like that, or maybe a college professor at the most of the most.

And I kinda don't want to go anymore, so I just... unwillingly sabotage myself on every step, tangling up the metaphorical earbuds in my pocket, and when the time comes to get down to business, I screw up, get frustrated and just... blah. The frustrated time passes, and I am back at the casual mode again, only for the timer for the next stressful period to reset and hide itself from my sight.

And before the frustration gets dispelled, I get incredibly nostalgic and go through a bit of a trippy phase. I suddenly wish I could dial back the clock for a several years, back to the time where my main concern wasn't my future, but something really trivial in comparison. There is something the younger Korbi found delightful and worth fightning for, and what older Korbi seeks to relive yet again. Simple scenes, at most. Sunsets. Clear blue skies. Vast mountains. Birds chirping. Trees dancing by the wind. Fresh scent of the evergreen vegetation. That bizarre but nice scent often heard in the bathroom of the house. Wind playing it's theme song like a video game. Thoughts of adventure and journey. Fantasies of travelling to distant lands. The way my muscles would feel tired after a long day outside. Small, but incredibly meaningful stuff for me.

As so, during this nostalgic phase, I go through my old stuff. Old drawings, old stories, old music I listened to. Old shows I worshipped. Diary entries from that time. Sometimes, I might even install and play a game I haven't touched from that time. I feel like my definition of nostalgia is vastly different from other people. Most people describe and relive nostalgia through old games, old movies, old music, stuff like that. There was some content they enjoyed during that time. No one wants to bother describing the endless summers or harsh winters. No one wants to relieve spring rain again. No one wants to dance amongst the falling leaves of autumn. If they want to, then they are hiding it for some third reason I cannot comprehend.

And so, there I would be, rummaging through the old stuff again, until I would fall into thought. At this point, I cannot remember what does it, but whatever it was, it does it right. I start slowly snapping back to reality, to present time. There is a big challenge in front of me. Life has definitely gotten more tough. And this isn't the time to debate on the meaning of it all, but it is the time to catch up and move just as the world does. And it is time to accept what I had done and what I am going to get out of it, and keep a straight face through all of it. No one to blame but myself. No one to congratulate but myself. No one to thank but myself. To not take the glass that is in front of me would be contradictory and would be considered an act of cowardice, at least for me.

I usually feel good after all is done and cleaned up. I make a note for next time. 99% of the time I follow the note. Unless it's college, and then at that point I just... ya know, do the whole shit over and over again. I just don't feel good at this major, that is all. Everything else about my life; fine and dandy.

Any advice from me? I dunno, if someone is here a type of guy who would rather hide and/or run from their problems, I can only suggest not to. It's going to suck, yeah, it's probably going to suck all the way through and after, but, some problems just cannot be fled from. And this often piles up and causes trouble and stress. It is good to build up endurance for soaking up the shit as well. Other than that... I find... well, uh, I would say "routine change", but that all depends on context. Maybe... a smol project on the side? Like saving up money for something, or adding small daily challenges and objectives... stuff like that. I kinda think in pictures so it's hard for me to describe what I do, without providing pages and pages of context first.

That's a good point. This isn't the first time I've heard of parents either kicking their kids out at a certain age or demanding they help with the bills. I had friends where they were working full time jobs at the age of 15 because their parents were struggling to pay the mortgage. I couldn't believe it when I heard it.

I've personally never lived this way, and I never knew I had it so good. My parents never involved me or any of my brothers in the finances except to tell us to cut down on the electricity and water consumption. They never asked a dime from me or any of my brothers for rent, and my oldest brother didn't move out until he was 31. I intend to do the same for my own kids.

I don't know how other people think about this, but I think being a parent is supposed to be a thankless job. I can't imagine requesting my kids to work and help me pay my own bills.

(spoken like married 28 year old with no kids)

My stance on adult offspring living with their parents and paying rent has me between a rock and a hard place. On one hand I don't want to be a freeloader, I take pride in working for what I have to the best of my capabilities...but on the other hand, it is so hard to save money and get ahead in my own life because I am pretty much paying rent so my dad can more easily afford his fucking Mercedes that he just had to have...as a second vehicle...his other car is a Cadillac...so yeah, I'm a little sore about that.

I actually was just asked by a friend if I wanted to move in with someone else for $300 a month...the only thing that's stopping me is that my dad will actually lose the house if I go...at least, that's what he has told me.

While I'd rather not think of him in those words necessarily...I agree that he should get rid of the Mercedes if his owning it is reliant on my income.